Thanksgiving thoughts

You would think a fat person like me would love the holidays because of all the food. There's always an excuse to be eating: family gatherings, candy canes, baking Christmas cookies and candies, and holiday parties. Actually, I rather hate that entire aspect of the holidays.

Since I started being conscious of what I weigh, I have come to dread holidays. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but really, all holidays. I have a large family (on all sides), so every holiday is an occasion to get together for a delicious pot luck meal. Yes, the food is always amazing, the desserts are delicious, and the nachos or candies or other snack foods left out are tempting and wonderful, but the whole idea of buffet-style, out-all-day freedom is sometimes too much for someone who has a hard time with self-control. 

My husband and I have tried putting limits on what we eat. We've tried saying just 1 plate and 1 dessert. But somehow, I have a really hard time staying away from the dessert table and not picking up a cookie or brownie, or a handful of M & M's every time I walk by. 

I am resigned to the fact that I will overeat at these gatherings, and I will gain, or at the very least, not lose any weight during these times. I know some people will think I'm a loser with no will power, or that I'm too dumb to take my own healthy snack or meal, but I've tried these things, and for me, they just take the joy out of the holiday.  

Part of knowing it's Christmas is getting to eat Grandma's peanut butter fudge, or my cousin's authentic Italian pizza. Thanksgiving, it's the stuffing and mashed potatoes.

I'm not willing to give those things up, when I only get to have them this one time of the year. 

I guess I could approach it like I do my finances: sacrifice now so I can enjoy them later, but I'm not prepared to do that right now, so I can't really do much about it today. I will try to only have one helping of all of my favorite things, and add some of the healthier options (if there are any). 

I also realized a day or two ago, as I was looking through our photos for a Christmas project, that when the twins were born, I didn't lose the baby weight until they were 6 months old, when I started Slim4Life again. I am still heavier now than I ever wanted to be, and I know the longer I stay at this weight, the longer it will take to get down. I will still try to lose weight before Sam is 6 months old (he'll be 3 next week!), but I'm no longer worried I'm not making my goals. I was hoping to be 278 by today, my birthday, but I'm still at 292. 

Another reason I dread Thanksgiving is my birthday always falls on or around the holiday. When I was a kid, I knew I would see my family and get to open gifts, but since I outgrew that, it's like no one even remembers. I never got to have birthday parties with my friends around Thanksgiving because they were always busy or out of town. 

This year happens to be one of those years when my birthday is on Thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be grateful for, I have a heavy heart. My Dad, whom I wrote about in this post, is in the hospital with an infection. The cause of the infection is the tumor in his stomach leeching all the fluid that comes in to his belly, and before they can siphon it out is getting infected. They are fighting the infection with antibiotics, but so far have been ineffective. The infection has to go away before they can start chemo back up, which is hopefully to kill or at least stop the tumor from growing. 

It is an awful cycle, and probably won't be resolved at a rate that is helpful to him. That being said, this very well might be my last Thanksgiving with Dad. His health is steadily declining (he's coughing up blood and can't keep anything down, not even water), so I don't even know if he'll get to make it to Christmas. I want to spend every moment I can with him, to try and comfort him, but nothing I say or do can make things better. So I just hold his hand and cry with him. I took the boys over Tuesday, and he read to the older ones and held Samuel most of the time we were there. When we left, he said good-bye like he didn't expect to see us again. 

I hate to be such a downer on Thanksgiving, but this is what's going through my head right now. I feel better putting it down in writing so I don't have to think it over all the time. If you've read to here, thank you for your time. We would appreciate your prayers, for healing and comfort in this horrible time. God bless you and your family this Thanksgiving.

Dad with Samuel, his 4th grandson

Isaac, Tyson, Samuel, and Dad

Time to tell...

I wish it weren't always 10 pm when I have time to myself to collect my thoughts and write. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only time I have to get anything done that isn't laundry, dishes, nursing the baby, taking a shower, bathing the twins, or breaking up arguments between them. By the time I get to this point in the day, it's always a battle over the things I know I should do (spending time with my hubby, reading and praying, sleeping) and the things I want to do, like putting my thoughts down in print.

I have a little time tonight, so I thought I would share what's been going on that is consuming most of my mental and emotional energy right now.

My dad has always been a big guy. Not just tall (he's 6' 2" or so), but large. He's always been over 200, and in the past 10 years since his parents died, his brother died suddenly, and he had two major injuries that kept him from working for months at a time, he has put on many more pounds. He got up to just under 500 last summer and injured his back from carrying all that weight around.

Last October, after he had lost about 15 pounds preparing for his surgery

We prayed, prayed, and prayed some more that he would seek help for his weight problem, because they refused to do anything to help his back due to how heavy he was. He couldn't stand to be on his feet, which is what his job requires him to do every day for 8 hours, so as soon as he got home he would plant himself on the couch and only get up to go to the bathroom and bed. He couldn't play with his grandchildren because he hurt so badly.

I had mentioned to my mom several times about bariatric surgery because I knew at least 4 people who had undergone the procedure and had amazing results. Finally, my husband and I got up the courage to talk to Dad about it, and even brought over some brochures to share with him from one of my friends. He was thinking about it, as a last resort, and decided to look into it.

Praise God, in February (the day after our first ultrasound for Samuel), he had gastric bypass surgery and everything seemed to go great. He lost over 200 pounds between last summer when he went to the informational meeting and started making changes and when we moved in July. Then he started having trouble keeping food down.

He had a minor procedure done to stretch his muscles, which is somewhat common after bariatric surgery, but after the 2nd time having it done, he was still having the same problems. It got so bad that he would vomit even after having just water to drink. This went on far too long (nearly a month) and he was becoming dehydrated, so he finally admitted himself to the ER at the beginning of October. After a week of being on IV fluids and running a few tests, they started looking for other causes of his vomiting and found his white blood cell count was high.

We learned a few days later that he has stage 4 stomach cancer, which is apparently treatable but not curable or operable. He started chemo yesterday and is going every 2 weeks for 6 months to fight it.

This has been heartbreaking, especially after all that he's gone through to live healthier. He looked so good this summer, better than I can remember him looking since I was little. He had energy, he walked with his head held high for the first time in many years, not shrinking back because of his weight. He played with his 3 grandsons and most importantly, was not in pain. After the month of failed attempts at rectifying the issues, now he looks almost eerily thin, his muscles are weak and deteriorating and his skin just hangs off him.

One year later, just after learning about his cancer

My mom is barely hanging on. She is so strong, because she has to be, but I know it's killing her inside to see him go through this. She is a Christian, so she has her faith to help her through, but we are still not sure whether Dad is truly saved or not. We have presented the Gospel to him many times, have prayed with him and for him to know and have an eternal relationship with the One True God, but we have never gotten reassurance that he is in fact saved.

If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for my family. For my dad, for complete healing and for his spirit not to be broken, and for his salvation; for my mom, that she has the energy to keep encouraging him and to help him get through this. Thank you so much and God bless.

Monday again...

I need to get a nap in while the baby is sleeping, but I wanted to stop in for a quick post.

Life is hectic, and maybe I'll write about it later this week, but in the meantime, could you please pray for my parents? They are both having major health issues and it doesn't look like things will improve for a while.

At least I'm not gaining weight, due to the amount of chocolate chip cookies I've been scarfing for days now. Stress eating is a real thing! I hope to make it back to my pre-baby weight of 278 by my 6 week doctor follow-up. I know 278 doesn't sound that desirable, but at least it's progress...

I'll leave you with this week's photos. Grumpy the dwarf was at our house again this morning, as the baby had just eaten 30 minutes before my hubby had to leave for work. I was so tired...

Week 4 Weight: 288.5 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

Monday check-in

I know I don't technically need to check in every Monday, but it is a nice way to keep myself accountable by doing it this way. I have been doing photos on Monday since I first started Slim4Life (nearly 4 years ago!), so it is a bit of a habit now.

I am pleased with how much I've lost so far after having Samuel. I am almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is still what I weighed when I first started Slim4Life, but at least I know that the pregnancy didn't affect me too poorly. Now I have the task of eating well and exercising to get down to a weight that I do feel good about.

So far, I feel like I've been eating pretty well. I know I have to keep up my energy so I can nurse Sam and be aware for my toddlers. I've been eating far more veggies lately than I did when I was pregnant, and drinking over a gallon of water a day to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hardly ever need to pee, so I know it's going somewhere...

My toddlers are taking this all in stride. I can't say I "chase them around," because, honestly, I'm on my rear most of the time they're playing. I'm usually either eating, watching Thomas, nursing, or sleeping, so I don't have to chase them around the house. I'd like to say it's because I just had major abdominal surgery (c-section), but really it's because I don't lead an active lifestyle. 

I am not one of those people who just has to be up moving all the time, and I don't know what I can do differently to change that. I'd like to take walks with them regularly, but Isaac has had some majorly weird reactions to mosquito bites and I hesitate to even take him outside sometimes. We were out for about 45 minutes today and he came in with 2 bites and Tyson had 1. I know I can use bug spray, but I tried the DEET-free stuff and it didn't work, and I can't stand the feel or the smell of the other stuff. I have to figure out something though, because our backyard is too large to spend all our time indoors.

It's one of those precious moments when all the kiddos are asleep, so I better hang it up as well. Here are some photos from today. I'm glad I've lost what I have so far, because I have to fit into a pair of uniform pants tomorrow, and they just barely fit. I'll definitely have to watch my stress eating that is creeping up on me, or I'll never get down to my goal. 

Please excuse the funky hair. Newborn Mom hair...

Week 2 Post-partum Weight: 286 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

A New Me

Part of the whole premise of this blog was to make myself accountable to lose weight and to become essentially "a new me." In my mind, I consider that to include everything physical about me, from weight, to vision, hair, skin, teeth, and general wellness.

I had an eye-opening appointment last week that shed some light on an area that I've been sorely neglecting. We regularly visit the dentist twice a year, as recommended, and every time I go, I always dread the feeling afterward of the soreness of my gums from the hygienist digging in with her tools and then flossing. I always tell myself that I will continue to floss after that appointment, since I've gone through the initial pain of starting, and it will eventually feel better, my teeth will stop bleeding, and I'll be one of those people who never have problems with their teeth. 

My world was shattered this past time. I got a poor report that I am on a slippery path to gum disease if I don't change something about my routine and quickly. I've never been good at flossing regularly. I've always put it on my list of things to add to my daily routine, but I've always avoided it, due to the bleeding, the soreness, and the fact that I have a permanent retainer and I have to use one of those floss threaders every time. It's inconvenient. It's painful. I will never end up as one of those people. Well, I might be one of those people. 

Luckily, she told me that if I floss every day until my next appointment (and beyond, of course), I might improve the shape of my gums, or at least maintain the current status. I have never gotten a bad report from the dentist. Maybe a cavity here or there, and I had braces for 2 years in school, but never a bad report. I've always been told I needed to floss and brush twice a day, but always got by with brushing once in the morning and skipping flossing altogether. Now, for some reason (possibly pregnancy), my gums are receding at an alarming rate and I have to change something. 

So far, I have flossed at least once a day since my appointment, and brushed twice a day nearly every day. And it's not terrible. I have to give myself a little more time to get ready in the morning (not so easy to do with a newborn and the pokey toddlers that need extra attention right now), but I've done it. It might get a little trickier next week when my hubby goes back to work and isn't there to help dress and feed the kiddos, but I plan to continue. This is something I've always known was good to do, yet didn't see the purpose of it for me, who has always had pretty healthy teeth. 

This is just another aspect of my physical transformation over the next couple of years to a healthier me. I'll keep you posted and let you know if I've had any improvement at my next appointment in March.

Post-partum

Ideally, I would post on Mondays continuously, so I can be consistent, but considering I just had a baby 12 days ago and major abdominal surgery, I'd say 2 days late on a post is a miracle.

Life with Samuel has been an adjustment for all of us. Thankfully, it hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared (2 am feedings, being awake and active with my toddlers, and keeping up with cooking and cleaning for 5 instead of 4 had me quite intimidated), but it still hasn't been a walk in the park either. I am regularly getting about 5-6 hours of sleep, which is only possible because my hubby is still home this week and has taken some of the graveyard shift for me. The twins are having a hard time coping with sharing Mom and Dad with yet another person, who happens to interrupt their sleep with wailing a few times a night, so they are acting out and generally cranky for much of the day. 

One of the few things that seems to be going right is that I'm eating much better than I did when I was pregnant. We have a freezer full of delicious meals we've been slowly digging into, as well as eating tons of salads for lunch. I've actually enjoyed eating salad. It's been so long since I did that regularly, and through most of my pregnancy I was so tired and, for lack of a better word, lazy, that I ate whatever junk I could get my hands on. With the help of my hubby, I've been able to get the twins fed and get myself a delicious and balanced lunch every day, and we've had steamed veggies with our pre-made frozen meals almost every evening. 

Nursing is also going okay. Sam was a pro right from the first try, so my body is already back in "dairy" mode. It's almost working too well, as the poor kid has choked more than once on the massive amounts of milk my body is churning out. I guess I don't have to worry about supply with this one! I assume it will acclimate soon, but after nursing 2 kiddos for 2 years, all it knows is make, make, make. At least I can build up my storage supply for rainy days.

I am not too concerned about it right now, because I want to make sure my newborn is getting enough  good nutritious milk, but I have also lost a fair amount of weight so far. I was a little disappointed to discover after delivering him that I had only lost about 10 pounds (what about all the fluid they took out of me?!), but I weighed myself again on Monday and I am now down 20 pounds from my last OB appointment. I don't know if my body will keep this up or if I will plateau like I did after the twins were born, but I'll take whatever I can get right now while it works!

That's about all my tired mind will generate at this point. There isn't a whole lot more to tell. Until next time...

It's time!

He's here! Our little boy is perfect in every way, beautiful, and healthy. We are so proud to be his parents. Presenting Samuel Brodrick Patterson, weighing 9 lb 15 oz, 22 inches tall, he joined us on Friday morning, after a stressful week of decisions and uncertainty.

I'll write more again once we get home and settled somewhat. For now, he is doing great, and after a couple of rough days recovering from a c-section, I am too!

Until next time!

Surprise!!

No, he's not here yet. That's the surprise! 

As of my OB appointment on Wednesday, my doc didn't think I'd have him before my next appointment, this Wednesday. He even said to me, "Does this guy know he's due soon?" Apparently, I'm doing a good job of keeping him comfy, so he doesn't want to leave. Truthfully, I think my due date is off and that he was just measuring big for the ultrasound. I'm not surprised. I was over 11 pounds when I was born, and I'm obviously still quite large. We just have big babies in our family.

That's all there is to tell right now. I feel pretty good still, it's been cooler here the last couple of weeks, and most of my maternity clothes still fit. I think I'm done gaining weight, even though it fluctuates a pound or two every week, I don't think I have to worry about topping out at 315 or anything. So we're just waiting. The freezers and pantry are completely stocked (seriously, I can't even open the ads this week--I don't have anywhere to store anything else!), the house is somewhat clean and most of my little projects are either not exciting enough to get motivated to do, or so trivial I don't care whether they get done now or a year from now. Laundry is caught up (I do it about every 4 days instead of weekly, mostly out of boredom...) and the kitchen looks great. 

I know I'll have Blessing within the next couple of weeks, whether he comes on his own or I end up getting induced. It's weird to think that our lives are going to change so much so quickly. We've been enjoying spending time with the twins. We've watched movies together, played together, wrestled (at least, my hubby has), tickled, read, and snuggled. I will miss these days once the baby comes. It has been nice to have so much time to give them our attention. I hope they will remember how much we love them when we can't cater to them 24/7 anymore.

Here's to a September baby. Only 50 more hours to go. I'll try to let you know when he comes, at least with a note to say he's here. What a journey!

Please forgive the grumpiness in the photos. I was having a rough time with my body. I may write about it in the next couple of days, but I'd rather just forget it.

Until next time, we appreciate your prayers for a healthy delivery. Take care and God bless!

Getting there...

The baby's still happy and safe inside, so I thought I'd give probably my last update before he comes. Watch me eat my words and not have him for another 2 weeks or more...

The OB said he wouldn't be surprised if Blessing had come this weekend, which would have suited him, since he was the on-call doc for the clinic. I told him the weather was going to be too nice to spend it in the hospital, and luckily, the baby agreed! Instead, we spent the weekend putting the finishing touches on our new home, tidying up and finding a space for all the little random things, and spending much of it outside and relaxing! 

I even took the boys for a walk on Friday, something we needed to do, but I was so scared to do anything physical for fear of initiating contractions. Now that the house is put together, I don't care when he comes, I just want it to be on his watch, not mine. We rode tricycles (by "we," I mean my children) outside, weeded the flower bed out front, and just sat out on the porch enjoying the 75 degree weather. 

Today, I even took the boys to the zoo! Instead of just riding all the rides (they have 5 options for getting around), we walked a fair way and I barely broke a sweat. It was great! We definitely needed that, just a little bit of our old "normal" life before the baby comes and disrupts things again. The boys were so excited to ride the train and see the giraffes, it made the wait worth it.

I don't know what else to do while we're waiting for the baby. My nesting instincts have all been fulfilled since we moved to a new house: new paint on the walls, everything is clean from ceiling to floor, my freezer is stocked almost to overflowing with tasty meals and snacks, and the baby clothes and items have all been washed and put away. I guess now we just do. If we want to go somewhere (within reason--I don't want to be too far from the hospital with the boys by myself), we can. If we want to sit outside and play all morning, we can. This is such a switch from the way we've been living for the last several weeks.

I started knitting a sweater for a family member of mine that asked this summer. I told her I would probably not have time to work on it until after the baby comes, but that I would try to have it done by Christmas, being optimistic at that point. I started it yesterday and am nearly a quarter of the way finished. 

This is just completely new to me, not having anything pressing on my plate, and I'm enjoying it, but my instinct is to find things to busy myself with. I need to learn to be content with idleness, I guess. Some people (like my husband) would call it "rest." I have never been good at that. There is always something that needs doing. I still have a list of items I would like to accomplish, projects to finish up, yarn to use up, things to do with the boys, but none of those are exceptionally compelling to me at this point, so I am trying to just enjoy these last few days with my family of 4, and not fill them completely with tasks.

With that being said, I should wrap this up and get some sleep. Here are today's photos. I don't think there's much change, although to me it feels like he is sitting lower. There's more space between my chest and the top of my bump, from my point of view. Anyway, here they are:

38 and feeling pretty great!

I'm actually a little surprised to have made it this far into pregnancy, after delivering at 36 weeks with the twins (which is great for twins, btw...), and the way my OB talks when I go see him. I have been saying since the beginning that I would love to deliver in September (which would make 40+ to 41 weeks), but ever since passing that 36 week mark, I've been skeptical. Maybe he will just hang out for a while longer...

Meanwhile, I am feeling a little better. The baby's head dropped a bit since my last post, which has given me tremendous relief from the shortness of breath (I still have some, since I'm over 300 pounds) and the acid reflux. I was taking Tums after every single thing I put in my mouth, but that's gotten noticeably better lately, and now I'm down to my normal 1-2 times a day. I think he's using my bladder as a squeeze toy, though, because the urge to go has greatly increased. I wake up about 3 times in the night to go now, instead of just 1, but I've been able to get back to sleep fairly easily, so it doesn't bother me too much. I'm just getting ready for late night feedings too, I suppose.

Speaking of feedings, my colostrum has started production! What a weird thing to talk about. I guess when you're pregnant all shame leaves your senses. I nursed the twins for 2 years almost to the day (we were all ready to call it quits by then), and it took months for me to stop actively making milk. Oh, it wasn't leaking or anything, and it probably wasn't enough to feed a toddler with, but I would check periodically and see, and it was definitely late spring when I finally stopped getting tiny white droplets. Well, I've already started producing again, and the tiny clear-ish droplets are back. 

One of the things I'm most looking forward to with this child is having breastfeeding be incredibly easy, low-stress, and helpful to my weight loss. Of course, I'll still have to eat well to produce enough good nutrients in my milk, but I'm pretty much counting on my body jumping full speed ahead into milk production as soon as he makes his debut, and not stopping until I've got a nice reserve stock built up or we just decide to quit altogether. Having nursed twins for such a long time, I'm fairly certain that I'll overproduce for several weeks, if not months, until my body's conditioned for just one. During that time, I plan to nurse and pump like a maniac so I can get a freezer full of milk, so that my family can have more freedom to go and do, as opposed to being tied to the baby all the time. Not that I didn't love every minute I got to spend with my boys nursing, but I know it put tremendous strain on my marriage because I was afraid to miss a feeding and lower my milk supply. Hopefully this time around, that won't even be a question.

I also look forward to being more active with the baby. The boys nursed every 3-4 hours for months, and in between, they took long naps. They still take a 2-3 hour nap daily, and they sleep through the night like champs! I tandem nursed them all the time (again, because I was afraid to lose supply to do it any other way), which was nearly impossible to do in public, so we spent nearly every moment of the first 6 months in our apartment. 

This was agonizingly lonely and I know that is a huge reason I didn't lose all the baby weight during that time and had to start over with my Slim4Life plan. We rarely took walks (also because it was freezing cold that winter), we almost never went out places, and so I stayed home and honed my baking skills (which, I might add, was a huge positive for our morale). I baked breads, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and cakes, because it was easy to mix the things up and then just shove them in the oven for a time. That's when I discovered my new favorite cookie recipe, which happen to be "lactation" cookies, but they're great for other reasons as well. This didn't help my loneliness or waistline either.

This child, I hope to be able to take him in the carrier (another first for me, since they don't make practical ones for twins), the stroller, and nurse him wherever it's convenient. I know there will be people that look down on that, but after having gone through what I did with my twins, I don't care. It is better for me to be able to be free and active than to worry about some people's uneducated perspective on feeding my child in public. And after having nearly everyone in your family see you tandem nursing twins, you really don't have any self-consciousness about your breasts.

We have zoo passes, and up until this July when it started to get miserably hot, I was taking the boys every week to make the most out of it. They love running around the zoo and riding all the rides. They know exactly where everything is and how to get there. I look forward to taking the baby, possibly even while my hubby is off after his birth. We also enjoy going to the local Renaissance Faire, which is always held around the time the baby is coming, so it'll be nice to be able to pack up and take him there. And, of course, we live in a beautiful treed neighborhood with gentle hills and sidewalks, so I'm really looking forward to getting out and taking walks with the boys, and just playing in our backyard.

Hopefully all this mobility will allow me to keep in a better state of mind after Blessing comes. I never sought professional help for it last time, but looking back, I believe that the loneliness, stress, and other factors caused me to develop post-partum depression. Being stuck in our small two-bedroom apartment with 2 crying little boys day after day with little exposure to the sun and outdoors, and lots of "friends" who were either too busy or too polite to stop in to see us made for a very rough first year. It's gotten better as they've gotten older and more independent, but we're still working deliberately to build new friendships and rekindle the old friendships we had before children. It is still lonely, but at least my kids and I can have a conversation. 

This went a lot deeper than I was planning. I suppose there's just a lot going on in my mind that I need to get out on paper to process, and since I don't have a ton of girlfriends to bounce this stuff off of, this is where it comes out. Thanks for reading this far. 

Here are my latest photos, taken this morning. I don't notice much change since last week, but he does appear to be riding a little lower. 

Week: 38 Weight: 305.5 Total weight gain: 27.5

I hope this post encourages someone, somehow. If nothing else, at least you'll realize you aren't alone in your struggles.

I don't know if I'll make it another week before Blessing comes, but if not, it might be a while before my next post. I'll try to take photos next week anyway, just so I can document the post-baby belly with the baby bump. Wish me luck in having a successful VBAC! I'm terrified of what that entails, but my OB seems confident I'm a great candidate for it. I guess we'll see!

37 weeks and finally looking preggo

It's taken several months, but now that I'm finally nearing the end of this pregnancy, I look pregnant. I'm still huge, and I have trouble reaching my feet to pick up toys after my little people and I loathe dropping things, but I don't feel like a liar when I tell people I'm not just fat, I'm also pregnant.

Here's the most recent photo, taken after a long night of tossing, turning, and my least favorite pregnancy symptom, leg cramps:

Week: 37 Weight: 304.5 Total weight gain: 26.5

At least my hair is growing like crazy. It's also full of body and would probably look good if I took the time to style it, instead of always pulling it back because I sweat just thinking about going upstairs.

I'm now going to the OB weekly, and was glad to see at the last appointment that I'd actually gone down a half pound, instead of reaching my max weight with the twins of 310. Hopefully, I can keep from gaining any more until he comes, because I know it'll just get more uncomfortable over the next few weeks anyway.

As of last Wednesday, I'm not dilated, and his head had not dropped, but the ultrasound showed he is head-down, so it could be any time. I'm still hoping to go to 41 weeks, just with all the craziness of moving this last month, trying to finish unpacking, and still making time for my existing little people. I know I don't have much control over that, but God is good and He does answer prayer.

This past weekend was very productive for us. We got all the random stuff out of the garage and put in its respective areas, even if it's still in boxes. I also enlisted the help of my mother-in-law to come and we cooked up and packed over 3 weeks' worth of yummy freezer/crock pot meals for after the baby comes. Having that out of the way and the garage cleaned out makes me feel much more prepared for our little guy, as well as having washed all of his clothes and accessories last week. I put the mobile up on his crib last night, which made my hubby a little weepy, but he's also under a lot of stress at work right now, so I couldn't blame him.

Hopefully I'll have another week to get things taken care of, hang shelves, curtains, photos, and get the rest of our stuff unpacked before the baby comes. I go back to the OB tomorrow, so I'm not making any plans until that appointment is over. If we get a favorable report, I'm heading with the twins to the pool, so we can have some much-needed bonding time and r&r.

Thanks for reading and I'll keep you posted of any new developments.

Making Mini-Me's

It's been nearly 2 years since I've posted here, and not just because I have failed to reach my goals (nearly all of them), but also because raising 2 little humans is work, and taking the time to do something for yourself takes even more work, like getting my head clear by putting my thoughts down on "paper." I guess I'm just in the mood to write, and if anyone wants to read this, more power to them.

These goals I mentioned...getting to my goal weight, running a 5K, fitting in my summer shorts and feeling good about the way I look...unfortunately, that next month was full of family dinners and other reasons to get off plan, and I spent much of it finding excuses to not care about my body. Fortunately, I was able to nurse the boys not only until their 1st birthday, but to 4 days after their 2nd birthday! I should have quit at about 18 months for both my sanity and their freedom, but I was very stubborn and would not let it go until I reached that mark. Of course, I scaled back gradually toward the end, which caused my lack of self-care to escalate my weight even more, but I did make it. And then the weight packed on.

Going into the holiday season, sitting on my haunches for most of the day while my toddlers ran around me, eating fast food in the car more times than I care to admit, and nearly eliminating healthy produce from my diet and instead opting for carb-loaded easy fixes helped me gain back every ounce of weight I was so proud to lose in my last posts. Over the course of that year and a half from my last posts until last Christmas, I gradually put on all the weight, lost tons of muscle, and basically lost all hope of ever losing it again.

And then, right after New Year's, we found out we were pregnant again! My body was not in a condition I would consider prime for making babies, we weren't trying; in fact, it happened over the course of a week and a half last November when I was on antibiotics for emergency oral surgery. Happy birthday to me :-) So now, I am in my 8th month of pregnancy in the miserable Missouri heat and humidity, 30 pounds heavier than I ever hoped to be if I got pregnant again, and looking at another 310 or so top weight. This is what I weighed with the twins the morning I delivered, and I'm not quite there yet (I'm at just over 300), but I still have 7 weeks with this little guy to maintain.

Week: 32 Weight: 299.5 Total weight gain since week 7: 21.5 lbs

I wish I weren't so big. I still don't even look pregnant in some of my outfits and I'm sure there are plenty of people who scoff when I park in the "Expecting and New Mothers" parking space at the grocery store, but I really am having a baby in less than 2 months.

The good news is, once I have this kiddo, I can really get serious about losing weight. I tried Weight Watchers for a very short time when I found out I was pregnant, per the OB's nurse's recommendation. It didn't work. I didn't gain any weight, but I had to eat obscene amounts of junk to get all the points in. I don't understand how that program helps anyone, if all the good stuff is zero points, and you have to eat so much of the carbs and things to use up your points that you don't have any room left to eat the fruits and veggies. I realize that my experience may have been a little skewed, since they don't technically have a "pregnant" diet and I was advised by the nurse to just do the breastfeeding plan. I don't think I'll ever try that particular program again.

The problem with these "plans" is that once you start them, everything goes great. If you stop at any point before you reach the maintenance phase, though, you're doomed to repeat the mistakes of your past. So in order to be successful, you have to have total commitment, which I've been lacking every time.

That is why once this baby comes, I plan to eat well to maintain my milk supply, nurse him as long as possible (up to 2 years, but at least 1 year), and get out and exercise more. I'm not spending another dime on a program that doesn't work for me, that can't help me stay motivated to the end, and is so regimented that I give up the first time I fail. I will lose the weight this time, but I'm giving myself plenty of time to do it. I already know what to eat to lose weight, it is a matter of putting it consistently into practice and making it a lifestyle, not just a thing to do for a time to reach a goal.

I have a goal of being in the 100's by the time my child turns 2, which is doable at about 50 pounds a year while breastfeeding, chasing 2 toddlers, and finally getting to be comfortable outside after he comes this fall. We are moving to a house in 2 weeks, so I can be out in the yard gardening and playing with my boys. I will have room to do Zumba, a workout I really love that is something I know helps me tone my muscles. I will have a beautiful hilly, treed neighborhood to stroll through with my boys in tow. And I can make being active a part of my life, instead of the sedentary one I lead right now.

I am trying to be realistic, yet still have something to work toward. Over a hundred pounds lost in 2 years is nothing to scoff at, and it will be hard at times. But I hope that by pacing myself I will be able to do this. I hope you will join me in changing something about yourself you have struggled with for years.

P.S. Here's a little bonus pic of the boys now, at nearly 2 3/4 years old. I want them to know me as the fun, active mommy who is able to play with them and run with them, not the crabby one who barks orders from her easy chair because she is too lazy or unable to get out of it.

36 Weeks!!

WARNING: This post has been in draft mode for over 2 years, hence there is no content to it, just great pics of 2 adorable little 8 month old cuties...My original intention was to post a pic of me at 36 weeks prego as well, but those photos are packed in a box on my external hard drive right now.

It's been 36 weeks since these precious babes came into our lives!