Scatter-brained

I don't know what to write tonight. I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head right now, about Dad, about my boys, my body, my marriage, my hobbies, my work, chores, and all I know is that I need to write.

I gained 3 pounds in the last week. I know why: the 4 different desserts we've baked in that time--2 batches of cookies, an Eagle Brand milk dessert, and Rice Krispy treats. Not to mention all the candy in our house leftover from Christmas, and the delicious Italian restaurant we visited Sunday evening. I'm not at all surprised.

So far, I'm doing great at 2 of my goals: breastfeeding is still going awesome, with my little chunky man weighing in at 16 pounds at his last appointment. He started sleeping through the night around Thanksgiving (2 1/2 months!), which I attributed to feeding him every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, so he eats 6 times a day. We have fallen into a groove where he eats around 8:30, 11, 2, 5, 7:30-8, and then right after the twins go to sleep at 9:30. He lets me know if we get off schedule! I think breastfeeding is the only thing keeping me under 300. It's certainly not my good eating habits.

I am still fast-food-free for the year, which is helping my waistline and our budget. I don't know how much money I've been spending on Taco Bell and McDonald's over the last few years, but it's been a good amount. My children and I get $25 a month (each) to blow, and generally I've been using that money to buy fast food when we're out and about. My hubby and I have decided that we won't eat out without the other, so this has been great accountability for me, and I get to save some of my "fun money" for other things (like yarn and my bi-monthly pedicures!).

A while back, I told him that I would like to save my fun money (except for my pedicures) to buy a new wardrobe when I get down to my goal weight. He very kindly offered to match whatever I save, so I definitely want to keep doing a good job. I haven't had a closet full of new clothes since before we got married! I used to work for Lane Bryant, so I used my discount to the fullest. I can't wait to buy new panties and bras that fit great, and have some items that aren't 6 years old!

I'm still not doing well on eating better or exercising though. I still eat anything I can get my hands on. I crave sweets almost constantly (hence all the desserts lately--although we did take a couple dozen cookies to the fire station around the corner today), and if I can't find any of those, I overeat whatever I can find. Today I had chips and salsa, and peanut butter toast with homemade jam, when I had beautiful Romaine and carrots in the crisper.

I did a Zumba video with the boys one Friday, a couple of weeks ago, and we went for a walk a couple of times, and shoveled the driveway, but nothing since then, and the walks weren't strenuous. It was really just an excuse to get the little balls of energy out of the house. I would love to start doing that more often, get them out and enjoying the neighborhood, but it's just been so cold lately, and I would have to take the baby too. I could do Zumba, I just forget in the middle of doing everything else every day.

I know most people mark the beginning of a new year as their starting point for goals/resolutions, but what I want to do this year, I wasn't prepared for on January 1. Last year, in January, I started my version of a "Daniel fast," which is basically eating only fruits and veggies. I did well for a week (my goal was 2 weeks, then start Slim4Life eating guidelines again), then started to get really hungry, and found out by the 3rd week that I was pregnant, so I stopped. I was still 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be when I was pregnant again, but it was too late to try to lose a lot of weight. That was when I called my OB to find out what he recommended for pregnant women and the nurse told me to start WeightWatchers.

I digress. What I want to do this year, starting on February 1 (a week away!) is start my Daniel fast again, but since I'm nursing, with some allowances. I can't give up milk, since it helps with lactation, so I will allow myself 2 cups of milk a day. I can do without cheese, so I will stick to that. I will also eat oatmeal (also helps with lactation), beans, eggs, nuts, and peanut butter (I have to get my protein somewhere). I am going meat-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and most importantly, sweet-free. I'm really hoping to go the whole month of February to break my sweet cravings. The other stuff is to help detox my body and get in a healthier state of mind. I need the fruits and vegetables in my regular diet, and so many times I nearly omit them completely.

I'm kind of excited about doing my produce shopping. Since before Sam was born, I've been stocking our pantry with lots of "convenience" items (they're so darn inexpensive when you find a good sale!), and nothing about this fast is really convenient. I'll have salads, probably every day, omelettes, oatmeal instead of cereal (I had oatmeal every day for nearly two years when I was nursing the twins), stir-fry without the meat and rice, fajita veggies, smoothies with frozen berries, and lots of other yummy recipes I'll come up with. I will try a meatless chili, vegetable soups (it is winter, after all), and maybe even my wonderful butternut squash bisque (I'll have to watch the milk content though).

Samuel turns 6 months on March 2nd, after my fast should be over. I'm hoping that by then, I can lose about 18 pounds so I can really start my weight loss (I was 278 both times I started S4L, and when I got pregnant with Samuel). Even if I don't get down that far, I'm sure by not eating my current diet, I'll at least inch away from the 300 mark. I've got to do something.

I guess this post wasn't as disjointed as I thought it would be. I just needed to start writing to figure out what I wanted to write about. I will keep you posted with how the fast is going, and share what I've found are my favorite veggie dishes. Until then, take care and God bless. Thanks for reading!

Some new stuff...

Tomorrow is Monday, but we're out of town, so I can't use the same scale that I usually use on Mondays, so I will weigh myself Tuesday morning instead this week. Hopefully I won't have gained more weight (like the 2.5 lbs I did last week).

I am not doing so well with the no junk food either. All in all, I don't think I'm coping with winter, my dad's death, and a newborn that well. Food is my comfort. I've been eating anything I can get my hands on (except fast food, I'm proud to say), and nothing satisfies. I've eaten until I'm completely full and can't eat another bite, but then the boys will do something, or I'll think about something, or something will go wrong, and I'll suddenly need to eat.

The following excerpt is from one of my other blogs, where I wrote about the same topic:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

All this is to say, I need to write to sort out my feelings, and things may not be very lighthearted for a while, so if you decide to keep with me, bear with me. I'm sure I'll be okay (I'll die and be with my dad again someday, after all), but for now, pray for me and my family as we process this hard time. I'll try to update as I can, and write some longer posts here and there. Good luck on your journey and hopefully we'll see each other at the end.

New Year, New Me

I just posted an entry about my dad, and I won't be able to elaborate until I get some time and a clear head, but I wanted to post about my goals for this coming year as well.

I know most people make "resolutions" this time of year, but I have never kept one resolution in my 34 (eek!) years of life (except to stop drinking pop--that wasn't a New Year's thing though, but it was in January...). I like to make goals instead. Things I can progress toward, instead of hard and fast "rules" for living.

I'll keep it short, but my physical goals for this year are to continue to breastfeed, to walk/exercise 3-4 days a week, and to lose weight. I am still aiming for my goal of 190 by Samuel's 2nd birthday, although I've only gained weight since Dad died. I plan to walk with my children so they can get the energy release they need, and I can get the stamina and tone I desire. I will change my eating habits from chocolate and the junk I've been eating lately to include more vegetables and fruits, and stop eating fast food. I may have to revisit this in another post, as I don't want to get into the psychology of my choices right now, but I will do my best this year to strive toward these goals and accomplish them.

Good luck to you on your resolutions/goals/oaths or whatever you choose to call your lifestyle changes. God bless you in this New Year!

P.S. I am starting at 290 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to be considerably less this time next year, even if I'm not quite at my 190 goal. Baby steps...

Dad

I can't write about it yet, it's still too fresh (even though it's been a month), but here is a post from one of my other blogs about my dad: http://knitpickerlnp.blogspot.com/2016/12/dad.html

I will write more as I am able, but I am still wrapping my head around everything that happened, and dealing with it in my own way. Usually, that's to write, but if I can't get time to do the topic justice, I just won't do it.