I've always been tall, so I could be a little thicker and not look quite so enormous. For example, I don't look too obese in the photo below, taken from a good angle and with shadows.
But now, I'm tall and w i d e. I've never felt so huge (I've never weighed so much, either!), and even though I felt huge, I didn't think I actually looked that big. Until now.
I mean, come on, if that first photo isn't a poster child for weightloss, I don't know what is. I wasn't helping myself by inflating my already-flabby double chin. This was the first volleyball officiating I've done this year, and my assignor took these. Thankfully, he didn't post them to our association's website or email them out or anything. Look at the calves in that second photo, and the huge back. All 3 of these photos were taken the same night!
I feel so disgusting. I cried when I saw these. They're still hard to look at. Now I know what my husband has to look at every day.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I eat, not the best, but I try to make good decisions some of the time. Most of the time it's just easier to eat something quick instead of making something nutritious. That's where I am right now. The baby is needy, the twins are driving me up the wall half the time, and forget exercise. I can barely stand through a whole volleyball match. I don't know what I'll do when the season starts next month and I have 3 matches (or more in tournaments!) to stand through.
Most days, I just think I'll always be like this, so what? Then I remember my goal to be under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and think, how will I ever be able to get there? I have less than 14 months. I have no idea how much I weigh, since our scale doesn't go over 300.
My dad was 300 lbs as long as I can remember. We always knew he was overweight (he was the largest one in both sides of the family), and he always seemed to be huge when I was growing up. Now I weigh what he did, and I'm not nearly as active as he always was. At least he played basketball and volleyball when he was younger. He stood on his feet every day, 8 hours or more, at work. He was big but he was strong. I have so little muscle tone and strength right now.
It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible way to be, and I wish I could change. I just don't know where to start. I eat because I'm stressed, and I'm always stressed. I'm slowly ticking things off my to-do list, which you would think would help, but I know there's just more and more stuff to add to it when those things are done. I try to bury myself in craft projects, but then nothing else gets done. My children have been getting into trouble a lot lately because I haven't been engaging with them, so they find other ways to entertain themselves. I get mad when they break or damage things, so it causes me even more stress.
I have to get to sleep. I won't have time to get in my nap tomorrow, so I need to get to bed before 2 am. I hope I have something positive to post about next time. Until then, wish me luck.
Good morning! I am a friend of Craig's from college and every once in awhile check in to see how things are going. (I lost the paper with your guys' phone number on it) Please know, Lindsey, that you are in my prayers as you go forward on this journey. Motherhood is a tough job, and when you're feeling low it's super hard. Can I suggest to find a MOPS group? They are everywhere and I would not have survived motherhood in one piece if I hadn't have had my MOPS moms to carry me through the hard times and celebrate the great times.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the loss of your dad, also. I know grief is a long, hard, and sometimes lonely road. Take your time, be easy on yourself, and know someone is praying for you.