Bi-annual checkin

I know, I know; I said I would write the next week last time. What happened? Not a lot. I don't even remember why I got off plan again. The plan hasn't worked for me in over 4 years. That's what happened.

I don't really have anything to post right now, except that I am still at 300+, I still have bad habits, and I want to change. I obviously did not reach my goal of being under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and at this rate, won't be there before his third. I just want to lose something at this point.

Can I be under 300 by the end of the month? I've kept track on the fridge since July, and I think I was down to 301. Now I'm back up to 305.

Today is October 11. If I start today, floss, eat well, and do something physical between now and Halloween, it might become a habit. If I choose to eat better food, to stop eating junk and fast food, I might make it a habit. Maybe I'll write again on November 1 to update you with my progress. One can hope...

6 Months Later...

I don't even know what I last posted about. Usually, when I'm ready to post, I'll read the last couple to assure I'm not being redundant (it doesn't always work). Not tonight. Whatever I've said in the past is past, and I know I haven't kept any promises or reached any goals I set for myself in that time, so it doesn't matter.

What I will say tonight, though, is that I am excited. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm excited about the future and what it may have in store. If you have read any of the past posts of this blog, I'm sure you have come to find out that I'm all about planning, hoping, and praying, but not a lot about doing. I am excited, that for the first time in 4 years, I have a plan, a determination, to change my body, and do something for myself, something about myself. And it doesn't start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of next month, or my half-birthday, or any other time. I've already started!

I may have said this already, but after my Grandpa passed away in October, I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened after Dad died: I ate my feelings away. I used food like a drug to numb the pain, and still do.

I went back to Slim4Life and told them I needed to lose 78 pounds asap, but more importantly, I needed to have accountability so I wouldn't let the stress of losing him consume me. They were more than happy to see me again, after 3 years off, and generously reinstated my weight loss weeks at no charge (a promotion they were holding to get people back). I was gung-ho about it for about a week, and old habits crept in. It was difficult to just jump in cold turkey, when our Wednesday church dinners always derailed me, going to Grandma's every week for lunch was unpredictable, and the twins' birthdays were coming up, when I knew I would be off plan.

It is so hard for me to want to be "good" when I know I have something coming up. I can hear my husband's voice right now, saying, "It's just one choice. Make the next choice a better one," but that is not how my brain works. If it's Monday morning and I know I have spaghetti and meatballs to look forward to at church Wednesday night, I throw the rest of the week out and think, "I'll just start Thursday morning instead." Well, that and my stress eating/late night snacking turned into 8 months of gaining weight, so now I am at my all-time high: 312 pounds!!!!

Precisely how my brain works!!

It is painful, weighing this much. I can't be on my bad ankle for more than a few minutes before I am sore, I can hardly stand to do work, or cook, or do yard work. I have been eating Tums like candy to combat the heartburn at night (to be fair, the tropical ones are quite yummy!), and I even woke up the other night with a mouth full of stomach acid that burned so bad I couldn't stop coughing and had to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch.

I took the older boys to an amusement park a couple of weeks ago, and one of my worst fears occurred: they delayed the ride so I could try several seats, dislodging 3 people, and still wasn't able to get the safety harness to work. I was very embarrassed and was glad it was almost time to leave. I had to buy new clothes this week to feel properly covered for summer. I saw myself in the full-length mirror and stared hard for a moment: I didn't recognize the body before me.

Needless to say I am ready for a change. After the acid reflux the other night, I decided I needed to go back to S4L (I haven't been in over a month, after the last time I was sick of my appearance). This time is different, though. I am still nursing Blessing, so since I've gone back to see them, they keep telling me to just be "on plan." This is harder than it sounds, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. This time, I told them I needed to start over, just like a new person, and it shouldn't matter if I'm breastfeeeding or not. As long as I'm not doing all of their pills and supplements, it can't be any worse than what I'm already putting into my body.

So I went in today, and I am already in the process of the "preparation" phase, where you break your body of the the cycle of dependence on carbohydrates, sugars, and starches. I have literally gone to the pantry thinking to myself, "all I want is some carbs, what kind of carbs can I find?" This is crucial to my success! In the prep phase, you eat unlimited raw green veggies, eggs, and unlimited meat. So I won't be hungry, I am still getting plenty of good food, and I'm weaning myself off those things that so easily enslave me! I am excited, and this is why I'll be successful this time around.

I know Mothers' Day is Sunday, and there will be foods I'm not supposed to have, but I've already made a plan to overcome those, to eat other things, and I'm bringing several of the things I like to eat that are on plan. I still have several weeks to lose weight, but I think to lose 110 pounds by Sept. 2 (Blessing's 2nd birthday) is unrealistic. I would love to be at or below my goal weight by the time my weeks run out next March. I know it is a big goal, but I have the desire, and now I have the mindset, that I can do it. I will hopefully be able to post on Monday that I have lost the first 10 and am almost under 300 for the first time in months.

Wish me luck!

Hello, good-bye

Just wanted to check in after several months of "radio silence." I'm still kicking, still over 300 lbs., but I'm finally trying to do something about it. Very busy with Christmas just around the corner, but I wanted to post tonight for a change.

About 6 weeks ago, I heard a radio commercial for Slim4Life advertising $30 for 30 days. I thought, "If I need anything, it's a jump start to get motivated." So I went in and did the consultation, and the very nice lady gave me some amazing news: they are doing a promotion for past clients who dropped out to reinstate their original program at no extra cost! This was awesome news, as I had over 2 years in weight loss weeks, stabilization, and maintenance that I just threw away when I quit. I have 65 weeks (yikes!!) of weight loss, 6 weeks of stabilization, and over another year of maintenance that I have been working to get rid of this extra chub for good.

It is incredibly late (2 a.m. here), so I don't have time to go into details or catch you up on everything else that's happened (there's been a lot), but today was the anniversary of Dad's death, so I felt in a writing kind of mood. I will try to write again before the end of the year (I have so many Christmas obligations this year!), so until then, merry Christmas and God bless.

Officially exhausted

What a week. I have felt better, let me start there. No, I'm not sick. I just realized how overweight I am.

I've always been tall, so I could be a little thicker and not look quite so enormous. For example, I don't look too obese in the photo below, taken from a good angle and with shadows.

But now, I'm tall and w i d e. I've never felt so huge (I've never weighed so much, either!), and even though I felt huge, I didn't think I actually looked that big. Until now.

I mean, come on, if that first photo isn't a poster child for weightloss, I don't know what is. I wasn't helping myself by inflating my already-flabby double chin. This was the first volleyball officiating I've done this year, and my assignor took these. Thankfully, he didn't post them to our association's website or email them out or anything. Look at the calves in that second photo, and the huge back. All 3 of these photos were taken the same night!

I feel so disgusting. I cried when I saw these. They're still hard to look at. Now I know what my husband has to look at every day.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I eat, not the best, but I try to make good decisions some of the time. Most of the time it's just easier to eat something quick instead of making something nutritious. That's where I am right now. The baby is needy, the twins are driving me up the wall half the time, and forget exercise. I can barely stand through a whole volleyball match. I don't know what I'll do when the season starts next month and I have 3 matches (or more in tournaments!) to stand through.

Most days, I just think I'll always be like this, so what? Then I remember my goal to be under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and think, how will I ever be able to get there? I have less than 14 months. I have no idea how much I weigh, since our scale doesn't go over 300.

My dad was 300 lbs as long as I can remember. We always knew he was overweight (he was the largest one in both sides of the family), and he always seemed to be huge when I was growing up. Now I weigh what he did, and I'm not nearly as active as he always was. At least he played basketball and volleyball when he was younger. He stood on his feet every day, 8 hours or more, at work. He was big but he was strong. I have so little muscle tone and strength right now.

It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible way to be, and I wish I could change. I just don't know where to start. I eat because I'm stressed, and I'm always stressed. I'm slowly ticking things off my to-do list, which you would think would help, but I know there's just more and more stuff to add to it when those things are done. I try to bury myself in craft projects, but then nothing else gets done. My children have been getting into trouble a lot lately because I haven't been engaging with them, so they find other ways to entertain themselves. I get mad when they break or damage things, so it causes me even more stress.

I have to get to sleep. I won't have time to get in my nap tomorrow, so I need to get to bed before 2 am. I hope I have something positive to post about next time. Until then, wish me luck.

Not so different

I wish I could say that I have consistently (or at least, sporadically) did everything I wanted at the end of my last post. Unfortunately, I've barely been consistent at anything lately, let alone eating well, exercising, going to bed on time, praying daily, or any of the things I know would help my physiological condition.

Today is my half birthday. I know most people don't care for those, but after the last several birthdays, I'm happy to celebrate on the off-season instead. One year, I was out to dinner with some friends and had to leave before the food came with a nasty stomach bug that kept me up all night in the bathroom. After the twins were born, I was sick with what I didn't realize at the time were gall stones and spent the whole day vomiting. The following year, my husband thought he was going blind and spent the whole evening in the E.R. And this past year, my birthday was on Thanksgiving, which I spent out of town at my brother's, instead of at my Dad's side, as he passed away 5 days later. So I've decided to stop celebrating on my actual birthday and just use my half- birthday.

That being said, I use this date as a sort of benchmark for resetting my life. I have set some goals this year that I would like to start making habits, so I have named them "Major Behavioral Life Changes." They are as follows:

wake up when hubby leaves
pray
read Bible
pray with boys
exercise 30 min each day (yoga, walking, walk outside, Zumba)
eat healthy, balanced meals of quality food (no junk!)
drink 6 32 oz bottles of water
brush teeth 2x each day
floss/use waterpik once each day
no naps
follow boys' activity schedule
only 1 hour each day on the computer
pray with hubby
pray at dinner
read Bible with hubby
start cleaning consistently
play music while we eat/play
go to bed at a decent hour

I don't expect to do them all every day for a while, as I know it is hard to build discipline, but I hope to be able to be there in time.

I weighed myself last week and the scale wouldn't register, which means I'm over 300 lbs. I have to change something. I have no clothes that fit. I only wear elastic and even that isn't flattering at all on me. I have a portfolio of dresses that I would love to try, once I lose weight. I found a website called eshakti that sells beautiful dresses in many shapes and styles, and I took screenshots of many of them. It would be a kind of "dream wardrobe," but I would love to be able to wear dresses like those once I get down. Here are a few of my favorite styles:

You get the idea. I hope if I can use my saved up funds over the next year to stock up on patterns and fabric, I might be able to make a whole wardrobe of classy dresses like these. I have to lose weight before I can even think about doing this, though.

So far, today went well. I didn't take a nap, I ate well (until our church dinner tonight, which was the last one of the year), and I prayed with the boys and by myself. I am going to walk all over the local amusement park with the boys tomorrow, so I will get my exercise in there, but I need to start being more consistent about these things. Progress takes time, but I am eager to do these things, so I may get out of this slump I've been feeling for the last 6 months. It has been that long since we lost Dad. It's hard to believe, yet I still remember all the moments leading up to his illness and death so vividly. It happened so quickly. I've got more thoughts on all of that, but I don't want to bum you out too much. This post is somewhat hopeful. Maybe another day...

I'll try to update more than every 3 months to give you an idea how things are going. Until then, happy Memorial Day. I will be remembering the lost loved ones in my life this weekend.

Clearing my head

Darn Daylight Savings Time, I'm wide awake and my alarm is set for 7 hours from now. I'm not really sure where this will end up, but I just need to get some stuff out of my head.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've done with all of my time. I still want to recap February's Daniel Fast and post about some of our favorite recipes, but that's going to have to wait. 

I've been watching a LOT of TV lately. My husband and I are trying to get through all 10 seasons of Friends, and we're so close to the end that we just have the TV on for hours. My kids watch way too much TV too. They wake up to Bob the Builder every morning (on Netflix), and anytime I'm nursing the baby, it's usually playing. We watch a family movie every Wednesday (in lieu of our Date Night), and when my husband's not home or has gone to bed (I'm up because I take naps nearly every afternoon), I have been binging on New Girl. And crafting tutorials on YouTube. We don't even watch "TV," just Netflix and movies. I don't know what we'll go to once these shows are over. 

I used to listen to music nearly 24 hours a day. I would fall asleep to it, have it on my phone or computer while I studied, wrote, graded papers, cooked, wrote lesson plans, drove in the car, and worked out. I almost never have music on anymore. I don't turn on Pandora first thing when I wake up. I don't even have my huge library of music accessible on my iPad (darn Apple and their glitchy syncopation), and I'm rarely on the computer, where my music is stored. I just don't get joy from it like I used to.

I can't remember the last time I just sat in the quiet and thought. I've realized that I don't like silence. That's why the TV is so often on. When it's quiet is when I miss my Dad the most. I rerun the last days of his life in my head so often, I don't know how I'll ever forget them. The last time I saw him in the hospital, the last time I talked with him on the phone, the way he looked the day he died. That's not the way I want to remember him, but it's been etched in stone in my mind. 

Helping my mom go through their home room by room doesn't help. My dad was a bit of a hoarder, a trait he inherited from his mother, and one that I'm afraid will fall on me more severely in the next several years. Finding things that he spent his hard-earned money on that will never be used, that just take up space in their home and will most likely end up being donated does not conjure up fond memories of him. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even more so for my mom. 

I don't like to think right now. I've put off nearly every conversation or contact that I possibly could in the last 3 months (has it only been that long since we lost him?), and even putting my thoughts down in writing is difficult for me. I guess I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience to make it coherent. I avoid checking my phone, and the only people I make an effort to talk to regularly are my husband, my mom, and my grandparents, who we visit weekly. Everyone else is too much of an effort. 

I don't care to see people either. I am ashamed of my appearance. I lost 10 pounds during our fast in February, and my goal is still to weigh under 200 by Sam's 2nd birthday, but I'm still 100 pounds away. I don't have any clothes that fit well, I rarely find time to shower, and I haven't done anything with my hair except pull it back in a bun for the last 3 years. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup, and even though we had a nice date last week, I still felt like an oversized blob in my elastic-waist skirt and loose blouse. 

I thought I was doing better. I went to see my PCP at the end of January, to discuss my depression, and he stated that as long as I am breastfeeding (which I very much want to do until Sam turns at least one, hopefully two), he did not recommend any medication. He said I could eat better, exercise more, and meditate, and possibly try ginkgo biloba. I need to do all of those things anyway (except the ginkgo biloba), so I said thanks and left. I talked with a friend and she mentioned a post-partum depression medication she had taken after her first child, but she said it took about a month to kick in. I called my OB and asked him about it and he said the same thing. I thought that I would be better off working through it on my own. 

I hate the idea of being on a pill to feel "normal." I already take more medication than I ever wanted to daily for my arthritis, plus vitamins for breastfeeding, allergy medicine,  and an oral contraceptive. I have to take my arthritis medicine to walk without hurting,  I didn't want to have to take a pill to not be "angry momma" all the time too.

I haven't really been eating better. I've pretty much reverted back to my old eating habits, plus several trips to restaurants already this month. I don't know what I weigh, as I plan to only weigh in on Mondays again. I've definitely not gotten more exercise. I think we went for a walk in our neighborhood 2 or 3 weeks ago and that was the last exercise I got. I have been praying more, trying to pray daily for peace, joy, patience, kindness (and the other 5 Fruit of the Spirit), but I haven't been consistent with that. 

What has changed has been my spending habits. We have been generously given some money from family recently and that has eaten away at much of my time and mental energy. I bought tons of crafting supplies (if only I had time to use them all!), toys for my kids, and some large purchases for our house. Unfortunately, none of this has made me feel any better. I spent $150 on new toys for the children today (after meticulously shopping all the retailers I could find), and after I clicked "submit," I didn't feel any better. 

I've not been able to cross many things off my to-do list either. I have been incredibly unproductive (spending most of my time researching the best prices on the fore-mentioned purchases and watching shows), and will do anything to not have to put my thoughts down on paper. I would like to write my children once a week. Sam turned 6 months last week and I wanted to write him a letter of his own. I want to write on all 3 of my blogs regularly. I have emails I haven't responded to in MONTHS, family I really need to talk to. I want to read and journal in my Bible. I even want to write my dad, to get the things I never got to tell him out. It is so hard to find time to get started, let alone make it worth reading. 

I guess all this is to say, even though I may try to put my best foot forward, there is still a mess behind this keyboard. I don't know how long it will take to get better. I don't know for certain that it will. I just keep praying God will cure me and help me find my joy again. I miss being me. This other, sadder, angrier, meaner, fatter, lazier, nastier version is not the person I dreamed I would be. I have the best of intentions, but then I wake up, and something goes wrong, or I don't get enough sleep, or one of the boys cries for a silly reason, or...it doesn't matter. I am still a work-in-progress. 

The one thing I can control is what I do. I can do the basics. Get up, pray, eat well, take care of my personal hygiene, love my children, love my spouse, go to bed on time. If I get anything else done, it's a blessing. So that's what I'll do. Starting first thing tomorrow. Baby steps. Now, I am getting sleepy. Wish me luck. God bless and good night. 

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day, and you would think with all the candy and chocolate associated with this holiday, I'd wreck my fast. Fortunately, my hubby is on the same page as me, and we've told our parents and grandparents, so nobody else got us any candy. I don't know what's happening at my husband's work today, but if past opportunities this month are any indication, I think he's fine.

I can't believe we're nearly halfway done with our fast, and I haven't even had a chance to write about it. One of the bad things about this diet is that it is very difficult to buy ready-made meals or go out to eat without compromising or having to pay a hefty premium. There are a couple of all-you-care-to-eat places around that have decent salad bars, but you are paying over $10 per person for the opportunity to also have access to the meats, sides, and desserts.

This means we have been cooking. A lot. And when I say "we," I mean "me." Not that my hubby doesn't like to cook, or is a poor chef. He doesn't have a lot of experience with veggies, so he's a little unfamiliar with many ways to prepare them. Steaming or microwaving cans of green beans and corn are his most popular ways of getting his foliage, and the occasional baby carrot slips its way into his lunchbox a few times a week.

Cooking takes time. I've enjoyed trying new recipes and digging out some old stand-by's we tried when I was a little more adventurous with my cooking (and had the time to do it!). I've had a little luck finding modified "vegan, gluten-free" recipes that don't require quinoa, potatoes or tofu, and if they do, I just omitted it. I've been spending so much time cooking, washing dishes, and thinking about what we're eating next that I haven't had time to write about it.

So here it is: the Fast Update. Part of the reason I started this was to stop myself from thinking about food all the time, wondering what I would eat next, walking by the pantry 6 times a day, trying to find things to eat, and making lists of all the food we have that needs to be eaten (to finally clean out our freezers from before the baby was born!). I can't say that it has been a complete success. I am eating more fruits and way more veggies, but I am still constantly thinking about food, what to cook next, how to cook it, if we have all the ingredients, and what I can eat in the meantime.

I am glad the fast is half over (as of tonight), because I want to use the skills I've attained so far to really kick my snacking habit. Instead of making sugary baked goods like I did the last couple of months, I've been filling up between meals on dried fruit (most of which contain sugar) and salty nuts and cashews. I should be reaching for apples or the grapefruit that have been sitting on top of the pantry, but the other things are so much easier to just grab a handful of, instead of peeling or cutting and scooping the fruits. We've also gone through 2 Costco-sized bags of the Veggie Straws since the end of January. I know they've got salt and they're mostly potato, but it is nice to have something salty and crunchy with a soup or salad. I want to eliminate those items from my diet over the next 2 weeks, and go for the carrot sticks, celery and peanut butter, or whole fruit that I intended from the beginning of this fast.

I think that will help with my weight loss as well. I was 295 the morning we started, and as of last Wednesday, I was only down 7 lbs. I think at my weight, I should have lost a lot more than that. I've not lost any since then, either. I think the salt and sugar content of my snacks have been the main cause of that.

I did the math the other night and figured out that if I want to make my goal of weighing 190 (or very close to) by Sam's 2nd birthday (18 1/2 months from now), I will have to lose nearly 3 pounds a week! I've got to do better than I have been.

I will update again soon with some of my favorite recipes (they've all been pretty fantastic!) we've been eating. Until then, happy Valentine's Day!