Day 21: 3 Week Photos--Finally, A Noticeable Difference!

Day 21: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 1:00 pm--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 metabolizers, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews)
Snack: 1:30 pm--S4L wild berry drink
Lunch: 1:45 pm--supplements (2 metabolizers, 2 carb blockers) Houston’s Ding Crispy Chicken sandwich (lightly breaded chicken, kale, cheese, tomato, mayo sauce on a sesame seed bun), a few of my hubby's shoestring fries, barley salad (barley grains, mint, tomato, almonds)—mostly not on plan
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate mint bar, 1 apple
Dinner: 7:30 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 2 metabolizers) ground turkey chili with tomatoes and green peppers, rest of sandwich from lunch
Water: 80 oz

Never fear, I have not given up! I have merely been preoccupied with other things, and have not made writing a priority. Sorry for leaving you hanging for so long. I am doing wonderfully (in my own estimation) on the program and am starting to enjoy life once again. There were a few days in there that were not so, but thankfully, through the support and reassurance of my wonderful husband, I have made it through this time. I know there will be other days, but for now, I feel very good about where I am and what I am doing.

While our internet was on the fritz, I was still sticking to my diet and meal plan. The conversation I had with my husband a couple of weeks ago was about the fact that I felt as though I was completely alone on this journey. Not because of the lack of support and encouragement from him or from any of my readers, but because I felt as though I was the only one making changes and that in order for us to someday have a healthy child (one of my main goals and motivation through this whole process), we both needed to make changes for the better. I wrote him a letter explaining my frustration and my feelings (since I seem to have an easier time expressing myself this way) that he read and we were able to come to a much-needed resolution. We are both eating (basically) the same meals instead of me eating what I'm supposed to and him eating whatever he likes, we are planning our weekly menu around the healthy meals that we both decide on, and we are shopping together for only the things that are on the plan. He can eat as much or as little as he likes of things, but he is eating (except for what is left from before we started) what I eat. This has been immensely helpful in keeping my morale up (I don't feel alienated and alone anymore), I feel better that we're both making healthy choices, and it's something else we get to do together.

Another turning point I had in the last week was when we had the whole menu planned, everything was purchased and ready, and my family spontaneously invited us out for an evening of fellowship and pizza before the company had to leave town. I love my family. They mean the world to me and I do whatever I can to see them and spend time with them. When I got the message that they were getting together for dinner, my heart sunk, because I knew that pizza was something that 1) is definitely not on the plan and 2) is something I have little control over being able to stop myself from. I knew that if I had a slice, it could very well turn in to 4, I would feel guilty (which would make me more reluctant to eat well again), and I would be (in my mind) ostracized at my next appointment at S4L. I didn't want to face any of these things, yet I couldn't bear the thought of turning down my family for the 2nd time that week (I had to work the other time) and missing the opportunity to say goodbye to my aunt. So I went. And I think that my attitude toward the whole situation was one of self-pity and remorse. I was so bummed that I couldn't partake in the food (which is always a huge part of family gatherings) and saddened that I didn't eat with my family that I felt guilty and possibly ruined the whole night for myself (and my hubby) anyway. I didn't leave thinking what a great time I had; I left feeling like I ruined the experience for my family (by refusing to eat) and feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't get to enjoy the time with my family.

That night, I was lying in bed and I told my husband what had been going through my head. I told him that I didn't want to think twice about seeing family based on food decisions. I didn't want to always have to worry about what I ate and what the S4L people would tell me (how can someone drink too much water?!). I wanted to be able to enjoy cake for my birthday in a few weeks and go out to one of the restaurants that offers free meals (we ate out every day for his birthday this year!). I just felt trapped. He was so gracious in saying that what he has learned already about shopping and cooking healthy meals was totally worth what we've spent (plus all the supplements and pills we purchased) and that if I didn't want to set foot in the S4L clinic again, I didn't have to. We have a decent scale at home that I can use to track my weight loss, we know what to purchase and how to prepare things, and I have supplements to last me the next 5 months, so if I felt as though they would beat me down for not losing weight (which I have not experienced to date, except for the too much water comment), I did not have to return. As soon as he said this, I felt a huge weight lifted off me. I felt as though there was not the pressure to lose (not that I felt any from him anyway, but from myself and from S4L) so quickly, and that even though I still want to become healthier and lose weight, I didn't have to do it in such a short time.

This has been a huge shift in my thinking. I am still on plan and I still go weigh in, but I am doing it now because I want to, and not because I have to. I am enjoying cooking meals with my husband and planning and shopping, instead of dreading what we will have to do. I don't feel guilty for eating a little something here or there that is off plan, because, amazingly, I'm still losing weight doing it! I'm probably not losing as fast as they think I should be, but to me it's more important to enjoy the process than to see it as something I must endure so I can enjoy life. I had tortilla chips and salsa at one of my favorite restaurants the other night, and I didn't feel guilty. I will probably gain some from what I ate today (it was totally worth it!), but I know I don't eat those kinds of things all the time and I will continue to stay on plan and lose weight. I know I won't be able to stay exactly on plan over the holidays and my birthday coming up (we're planning a trip to Zio's--bread and pasta!!), but I won't let it ruin the occasion to see my family. I see my counselors more as coaches than police, which makes it much easier to go in and feel comfortable. I know that whatever the scale says, I am making the right choice for me, not based on what they think I should be doing. It has been so freeing.

In related news, I am one-fourth of the way to my goal weight, I feel better, and I was able to wear some of the things I haven't worn in months today! I am wearing a smaller bra and my size 16 pants (although, after such a huge lunch, I was wishing they stretched a little more!) that I hadn't worn since last winter. Today, I ate until I was full (which didn't take long) and I stopped. I was able to make a smart choice about how much was good for me, instead of eating because I thought I deserved it (will have to explain this some other time). It was such a good feeling. I hope to continue to post regularly, although every day may be a little unrealistic. Thank you for your support and comments. I value each of them deeply. I hope that over the last few weeks you have taken a look at what you can do to become healthier, have a better relationship, or some other challenging aspect of your life. Any sort of change is hard. But self-improvement is definitely worth it. I'm not perfect, but by the grace of God, I am working toward it every day. Thanks for reading. 

Day: 21 Weight: 262 Size: 16-18 Pounds to Goal: 47

Visual for me to track weight loss. I love moving the stones from left to right!