Bi-annual checkin

I know, I know; I said I would write the next week last time. What happened? Not a lot. I don't even remember why I got off plan again. The plan hasn't worked for me in over 4 years. That's what happened.

I don't really have anything to post right now, except that I am still at 300+, I still have bad habits, and I want to change. I obviously did not reach my goal of being under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and at this rate, won't be there before his third. I just want to lose something at this point.

Can I be under 300 by the end of the month? I've kept track on the fridge since July, and I think I was down to 301. Now I'm back up to 305.

Today is October 11. If I start today, floss, eat well, and do something physical between now and Halloween, it might become a habit. If I choose to eat better food, to stop eating junk and fast food, I might make it a habit. Maybe I'll write again on November 1 to update you with my progress. One can hope...

6 Months Later...

I don't even know what I last posted about. Usually, when I'm ready to post, I'll read the last couple to assure I'm not being redundant (it doesn't always work). Not tonight. Whatever I've said in the past is past, and I know I haven't kept any promises or reached any goals I set for myself in that time, so it doesn't matter.

What I will say tonight, though, is that I am excited. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm excited about the future and what it may have in store. If you have read any of the past posts of this blog, I'm sure you have come to find out that I'm all about planning, hoping, and praying, but not a lot about doing. I am excited, that for the first time in 4 years, I have a plan, a determination, to change my body, and do something for myself, something about myself. And it doesn't start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of next month, or my half-birthday, or any other time. I've already started!

I may have said this already, but after my Grandpa passed away in October, I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened after Dad died: I ate my feelings away. I used food like a drug to numb the pain, and still do.

I went back to Slim4Life and told them I needed to lose 78 pounds asap, but more importantly, I needed to have accountability so I wouldn't let the stress of losing him consume me. They were more than happy to see me again, after 3 years off, and generously reinstated my weight loss weeks at no charge (a promotion they were holding to get people back). I was gung-ho about it for about a week, and old habits crept in. It was difficult to just jump in cold turkey, when our Wednesday church dinners always derailed me, going to Grandma's every week for lunch was unpredictable, and the twins' birthdays were coming up, when I knew I would be off plan.

It is so hard for me to want to be "good" when I know I have something coming up. I can hear my husband's voice right now, saying, "It's just one choice. Make the next choice a better one," but that is not how my brain works. If it's Monday morning and I know I have spaghetti and meatballs to look forward to at church Wednesday night, I throw the rest of the week out and think, "I'll just start Thursday morning instead." Well, that and my stress eating/late night snacking turned into 8 months of gaining weight, so now I am at my all-time high: 312 pounds!!!!

Precisely how my brain works!!

It is painful, weighing this much. I can't be on my bad ankle for more than a few minutes before I am sore, I can hardly stand to do work, or cook, or do yard work. I have been eating Tums like candy to combat the heartburn at night (to be fair, the tropical ones are quite yummy!), and I even woke up the other night with a mouth full of stomach acid that burned so bad I couldn't stop coughing and had to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch.

I took the older boys to an amusement park a couple of weeks ago, and one of my worst fears occurred: they delayed the ride so I could try several seats, dislodging 3 people, and still wasn't able to get the safety harness to work. I was very embarrassed and was glad it was almost time to leave. I had to buy new clothes this week to feel properly covered for summer. I saw myself in the full-length mirror and stared hard for a moment: I didn't recognize the body before me.

Needless to say I am ready for a change. After the acid reflux the other night, I decided I needed to go back to S4L (I haven't been in over a month, after the last time I was sick of my appearance). This time is different, though. I am still nursing Blessing, so since I've gone back to see them, they keep telling me to just be "on plan." This is harder than it sounds, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. This time, I told them I needed to start over, just like a new person, and it shouldn't matter if I'm breastfeeeding or not. As long as I'm not doing all of their pills and supplements, it can't be any worse than what I'm already putting into my body.

So I went in today, and I am already in the process of the "preparation" phase, where you break your body of the the cycle of dependence on carbohydrates, sugars, and starches. I have literally gone to the pantry thinking to myself, "all I want is some carbs, what kind of carbs can I find?" This is crucial to my success! In the prep phase, you eat unlimited raw green veggies, eggs, and unlimited meat. So I won't be hungry, I am still getting plenty of good food, and I'm weaning myself off those things that so easily enslave me! I am excited, and this is why I'll be successful this time around.

I know Mothers' Day is Sunday, and there will be foods I'm not supposed to have, but I've already made a plan to overcome those, to eat other things, and I'm bringing several of the things I like to eat that are on plan. I still have several weeks to lose weight, but I think to lose 110 pounds by Sept. 2 (Blessing's 2nd birthday) is unrealistic. I would love to be at or below my goal weight by the time my weeks run out next March. I know it is a big goal, but I have the desire, and now I have the mindset, that I can do it. I will hopefully be able to post on Monday that I have lost the first 10 and am almost under 300 for the first time in months.

Wish me luck!

Hello, good-bye

Just wanted to check in after several months of "radio silence." I'm still kicking, still over 300 lbs., but I'm finally trying to do something about it. Very busy with Christmas just around the corner, but I wanted to post tonight for a change.

About 6 weeks ago, I heard a radio commercial for Slim4Life advertising $30 for 30 days. I thought, "If I need anything, it's a jump start to get motivated." So I went in and did the consultation, and the very nice lady gave me some amazing news: they are doing a promotion for past clients who dropped out to reinstate their original program at no extra cost! This was awesome news, as I had over 2 years in weight loss weeks, stabilization, and maintenance that I just threw away when I quit. I have 65 weeks (yikes!!) of weight loss, 6 weeks of stabilization, and over another year of maintenance that I have been working to get rid of this extra chub for good.

It is incredibly late (2 a.m. here), so I don't have time to go into details or catch you up on everything else that's happened (there's been a lot), but today was the anniversary of Dad's death, so I felt in a writing kind of mood. I will try to write again before the end of the year (I have so many Christmas obligations this year!), so until then, merry Christmas and God bless.

Officially exhausted

What a week. I have felt better, let me start there. No, I'm not sick. I just realized how overweight I am.

I've always been tall, so I could be a little thicker and not look quite so enormous. For example, I don't look too obese in the photo below, taken from a good angle and with shadows.

But now, I'm tall and w i d e. I've never felt so huge (I've never weighed so much, either!), and even though I felt huge, I didn't think I actually looked that big. Until now.

I mean, come on, if that first photo isn't a poster child for weightloss, I don't know what is. I wasn't helping myself by inflating my already-flabby double chin. This was the first volleyball officiating I've done this year, and my assignor took these. Thankfully, he didn't post them to our association's website or email them out or anything. Look at the calves in that second photo, and the huge back. All 3 of these photos were taken the same night!

I feel so disgusting. I cried when I saw these. They're still hard to look at. Now I know what my husband has to look at every day.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I eat, not the best, but I try to make good decisions some of the time. Most of the time it's just easier to eat something quick instead of making something nutritious. That's where I am right now. The baby is needy, the twins are driving me up the wall half the time, and forget exercise. I can barely stand through a whole volleyball match. I don't know what I'll do when the season starts next month and I have 3 matches (or more in tournaments!) to stand through.

Most days, I just think I'll always be like this, so what? Then I remember my goal to be under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and think, how will I ever be able to get there? I have less than 14 months. I have no idea how much I weigh, since our scale doesn't go over 300.

My dad was 300 lbs as long as I can remember. We always knew he was overweight (he was the largest one in both sides of the family), and he always seemed to be huge when I was growing up. Now I weigh what he did, and I'm not nearly as active as he always was. At least he played basketball and volleyball when he was younger. He stood on his feet every day, 8 hours or more, at work. He was big but he was strong. I have so little muscle tone and strength right now.

It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible way to be, and I wish I could change. I just don't know where to start. I eat because I'm stressed, and I'm always stressed. I'm slowly ticking things off my to-do list, which you would think would help, but I know there's just more and more stuff to add to it when those things are done. I try to bury myself in craft projects, but then nothing else gets done. My children have been getting into trouble a lot lately because I haven't been engaging with them, so they find other ways to entertain themselves. I get mad when they break or damage things, so it causes me even more stress.

I have to get to sleep. I won't have time to get in my nap tomorrow, so I need to get to bed before 2 am. I hope I have something positive to post about next time. Until then, wish me luck.

Not so different

I wish I could say that I have consistently (or at least, sporadically) did everything I wanted at the end of my last post. Unfortunately, I've barely been consistent at anything lately, let alone eating well, exercising, going to bed on time, praying daily, or any of the things I know would help my physiological condition.

Today is my half birthday. I know most people don't care for those, but after the last several birthdays, I'm happy to celebrate on the off-season instead. One year, I was out to dinner with some friends and had to leave before the food came with a nasty stomach bug that kept me up all night in the bathroom. After the twins were born, I was sick with what I didn't realize at the time were gall stones and spent the whole day vomiting. The following year, my husband thought he was going blind and spent the whole evening in the E.R. And this past year, my birthday was on Thanksgiving, which I spent out of town at my brother's, instead of at my Dad's side, as he passed away 5 days later. So I've decided to stop celebrating on my actual birthday and just use my half- birthday.

That being said, I use this date as a sort of benchmark for resetting my life. I have set some goals this year that I would like to start making habits, so I have named them "Major Behavioral Life Changes." They are as follows:

wake up when hubby leaves
pray
read Bible
pray with boys
exercise 30 min each day (yoga, walking, walk outside, Zumba)
eat healthy, balanced meals of quality food (no junk!)
drink 6 32 oz bottles of water
brush teeth 2x each day
floss/use waterpik once each day
no naps
follow boys' activity schedule
only 1 hour each day on the computer
pray with hubby
pray at dinner
read Bible with hubby
start cleaning consistently
play music while we eat/play
go to bed at a decent hour

I don't expect to do them all every day for a while, as I know it is hard to build discipline, but I hope to be able to be there in time.

I weighed myself last week and the scale wouldn't register, which means I'm over 300 lbs. I have to change something. I have no clothes that fit. I only wear elastic and even that isn't flattering at all on me. I have a portfolio of dresses that I would love to try, once I lose weight. I found a website called eshakti that sells beautiful dresses in many shapes and styles, and I took screenshots of many of them. It would be a kind of "dream wardrobe," but I would love to be able to wear dresses like those once I get down. Here are a few of my favorite styles:

You get the idea. I hope if I can use my saved up funds over the next year to stock up on patterns and fabric, I might be able to make a whole wardrobe of classy dresses like these. I have to lose weight before I can even think about doing this, though.

So far, today went well. I didn't take a nap, I ate well (until our church dinner tonight, which was the last one of the year), and I prayed with the boys and by myself. I am going to walk all over the local amusement park with the boys tomorrow, so I will get my exercise in there, but I need to start being more consistent about these things. Progress takes time, but I am eager to do these things, so I may get out of this slump I've been feeling for the last 6 months. It has been that long since we lost Dad. It's hard to believe, yet I still remember all the moments leading up to his illness and death so vividly. It happened so quickly. I've got more thoughts on all of that, but I don't want to bum you out too much. This post is somewhat hopeful. Maybe another day...

I'll try to update more than every 3 months to give you an idea how things are going. Until then, happy Memorial Day. I will be remembering the lost loved ones in my life this weekend.

Clearing my head

Darn Daylight Savings Time, I'm wide awake and my alarm is set for 7 hours from now. I'm not really sure where this will end up, but I just need to get some stuff out of my head.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've done with all of my time. I still want to recap February's Daniel Fast and post about some of our favorite recipes, but that's going to have to wait. 

I've been watching a LOT of TV lately. My husband and I are trying to get through all 10 seasons of Friends, and we're so close to the end that we just have the TV on for hours. My kids watch way too much TV too. They wake up to Bob the Builder every morning (on Netflix), and anytime I'm nursing the baby, it's usually playing. We watch a family movie every Wednesday (in lieu of our Date Night), and when my husband's not home or has gone to bed (I'm up because I take naps nearly every afternoon), I have been binging on New Girl. And crafting tutorials on YouTube. We don't even watch "TV," just Netflix and movies. I don't know what we'll go to once these shows are over. 

I used to listen to music nearly 24 hours a day. I would fall asleep to it, have it on my phone or computer while I studied, wrote, graded papers, cooked, wrote lesson plans, drove in the car, and worked out. I almost never have music on anymore. I don't turn on Pandora first thing when I wake up. I don't even have my huge library of music accessible on my iPad (darn Apple and their glitchy syncopation), and I'm rarely on the computer, where my music is stored. I just don't get joy from it like I used to.

I can't remember the last time I just sat in the quiet and thought. I've realized that I don't like silence. That's why the TV is so often on. When it's quiet is when I miss my Dad the most. I rerun the last days of his life in my head so often, I don't know how I'll ever forget them. The last time I saw him in the hospital, the last time I talked with him on the phone, the way he looked the day he died. That's not the way I want to remember him, but it's been etched in stone in my mind. 

Helping my mom go through their home room by room doesn't help. My dad was a bit of a hoarder, a trait he inherited from his mother, and one that I'm afraid will fall on me more severely in the next several years. Finding things that he spent his hard-earned money on that will never be used, that just take up space in their home and will most likely end up being donated does not conjure up fond memories of him. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even more so for my mom. 

I don't like to think right now. I've put off nearly every conversation or contact that I possibly could in the last 3 months (has it only been that long since we lost him?), and even putting my thoughts down in writing is difficult for me. I guess I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience to make it coherent. I avoid checking my phone, and the only people I make an effort to talk to regularly are my husband, my mom, and my grandparents, who we visit weekly. Everyone else is too much of an effort. 

I don't care to see people either. I am ashamed of my appearance. I lost 10 pounds during our fast in February, and my goal is still to weigh under 200 by Sam's 2nd birthday, but I'm still 100 pounds away. I don't have any clothes that fit well, I rarely find time to shower, and I haven't done anything with my hair except pull it back in a bun for the last 3 years. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup, and even though we had a nice date last week, I still felt like an oversized blob in my elastic-waist skirt and loose blouse. 

I thought I was doing better. I went to see my PCP at the end of January, to discuss my depression, and he stated that as long as I am breastfeeding (which I very much want to do until Sam turns at least one, hopefully two), he did not recommend any medication. He said I could eat better, exercise more, and meditate, and possibly try ginkgo biloba. I need to do all of those things anyway (except the ginkgo biloba), so I said thanks and left. I talked with a friend and she mentioned a post-partum depression medication she had taken after her first child, but she said it took about a month to kick in. I called my OB and asked him about it and he said the same thing. I thought that I would be better off working through it on my own. 

I hate the idea of being on a pill to feel "normal." I already take more medication than I ever wanted to daily for my arthritis, plus vitamins for breastfeeding, allergy medicine,  and an oral contraceptive. I have to take my arthritis medicine to walk without hurting,  I didn't want to have to take a pill to not be "angry momma" all the time too.

I haven't really been eating better. I've pretty much reverted back to my old eating habits, plus several trips to restaurants already this month. I don't know what I weigh, as I plan to only weigh in on Mondays again. I've definitely not gotten more exercise. I think we went for a walk in our neighborhood 2 or 3 weeks ago and that was the last exercise I got. I have been praying more, trying to pray daily for peace, joy, patience, kindness (and the other 5 Fruit of the Spirit), but I haven't been consistent with that. 

What has changed has been my spending habits. We have been generously given some money from family recently and that has eaten away at much of my time and mental energy. I bought tons of crafting supplies (if only I had time to use them all!), toys for my kids, and some large purchases for our house. Unfortunately, none of this has made me feel any better. I spent $150 on new toys for the children today (after meticulously shopping all the retailers I could find), and after I clicked "submit," I didn't feel any better. 

I've not been able to cross many things off my to-do list either. I have been incredibly unproductive (spending most of my time researching the best prices on the fore-mentioned purchases and watching shows), and will do anything to not have to put my thoughts down on paper. I would like to write my children once a week. Sam turned 6 months last week and I wanted to write him a letter of his own. I want to write on all 3 of my blogs regularly. I have emails I haven't responded to in MONTHS, family I really need to talk to. I want to read and journal in my Bible. I even want to write my dad, to get the things I never got to tell him out. It is so hard to find time to get started, let alone make it worth reading. 

I guess all this is to say, even though I may try to put my best foot forward, there is still a mess behind this keyboard. I don't know how long it will take to get better. I don't know for certain that it will. I just keep praying God will cure me and help me find my joy again. I miss being me. This other, sadder, angrier, meaner, fatter, lazier, nastier version is not the person I dreamed I would be. I have the best of intentions, but then I wake up, and something goes wrong, or I don't get enough sleep, or one of the boys cries for a silly reason, or...it doesn't matter. I am still a work-in-progress. 

The one thing I can control is what I do. I can do the basics. Get up, pray, eat well, take care of my personal hygiene, love my children, love my spouse, go to bed on time. If I get anything else done, it's a blessing. So that's what I'll do. Starting first thing tomorrow. Baby steps. Now, I am getting sleepy. Wish me luck. God bless and good night. 

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day, and you would think with all the candy and chocolate associated with this holiday, I'd wreck my fast. Fortunately, my hubby is on the same page as me, and we've told our parents and grandparents, so nobody else got us any candy. I don't know what's happening at my husband's work today, but if past opportunities this month are any indication, I think he's fine.

I can't believe we're nearly halfway done with our fast, and I haven't even had a chance to write about it. One of the bad things about this diet is that it is very difficult to buy ready-made meals or go out to eat without compromising or having to pay a hefty premium. There are a couple of all-you-care-to-eat places around that have decent salad bars, but you are paying over $10 per person for the opportunity to also have access to the meats, sides, and desserts.

This means we have been cooking. A lot. And when I say "we," I mean "me." Not that my hubby doesn't like to cook, or is a poor chef. He doesn't have a lot of experience with veggies, so he's a little unfamiliar with many ways to prepare them. Steaming or microwaving cans of green beans and corn are his most popular ways of getting his foliage, and the occasional baby carrot slips its way into his lunchbox a few times a week.

Cooking takes time. I've enjoyed trying new recipes and digging out some old stand-by's we tried when I was a little more adventurous with my cooking (and had the time to do it!). I've had a little luck finding modified "vegan, gluten-free" recipes that don't require quinoa, potatoes or tofu, and if they do, I just omitted it. I've been spending so much time cooking, washing dishes, and thinking about what we're eating next that I haven't had time to write about it.

So here it is: the Fast Update. Part of the reason I started this was to stop myself from thinking about food all the time, wondering what I would eat next, walking by the pantry 6 times a day, trying to find things to eat, and making lists of all the food we have that needs to be eaten (to finally clean out our freezers from before the baby was born!). I can't say that it has been a complete success. I am eating more fruits and way more veggies, but I am still constantly thinking about food, what to cook next, how to cook it, if we have all the ingredients, and what I can eat in the meantime.

I am glad the fast is half over (as of tonight), because I want to use the skills I've attained so far to really kick my snacking habit. Instead of making sugary baked goods like I did the last couple of months, I've been filling up between meals on dried fruit (most of which contain sugar) and salty nuts and cashews. I should be reaching for apples or the grapefruit that have been sitting on top of the pantry, but the other things are so much easier to just grab a handful of, instead of peeling or cutting and scooping the fruits. We've also gone through 2 Costco-sized bags of the Veggie Straws since the end of January. I know they've got salt and they're mostly potato, but it is nice to have something salty and crunchy with a soup or salad. I want to eliminate those items from my diet over the next 2 weeks, and go for the carrot sticks, celery and peanut butter, or whole fruit that I intended from the beginning of this fast.

I think that will help with my weight loss as well. I was 295 the morning we started, and as of last Wednesday, I was only down 7 lbs. I think at my weight, I should have lost a lot more than that. I've not lost any since then, either. I think the salt and sugar content of my snacks have been the main cause of that.

I did the math the other night and figured out that if I want to make my goal of weighing 190 (or very close to) by Sam's 2nd birthday (18 1/2 months from now), I will have to lose nearly 3 pounds a week! I've got to do better than I have been.

I will update again soon with some of my favorite recipes (they've all been pretty fantastic!) we've been eating. Until then, happy Valentine's Day!

Scatter-brained

I don't know what to write tonight. I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head right now, about Dad, about my boys, my body, my marriage, my hobbies, my work, chores, and all I know is that I need to write.

I gained 3 pounds in the last week. I know why: the 4 different desserts we've baked in that time--2 batches of cookies, an Eagle Brand milk dessert, and Rice Krispy treats. Not to mention all the candy in our house leftover from Christmas, and the delicious Italian restaurant we visited Sunday evening. I'm not at all surprised.

So far, I'm doing great at 2 of my goals: breastfeeding is still going awesome, with my little chunky man weighing in at 16 pounds at his last appointment. He started sleeping through the night around Thanksgiving (2 1/2 months!), which I attributed to feeding him every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, so he eats 6 times a day. We have fallen into a groove where he eats around 8:30, 11, 2, 5, 7:30-8, and then right after the twins go to sleep at 9:30. He lets me know if we get off schedule! I think breastfeeding is the only thing keeping me under 300. It's certainly not my good eating habits.

I am still fast-food-free for the year, which is helping my waistline and our budget. I don't know how much money I've been spending on Taco Bell and McDonald's over the last few years, but it's been a good amount. My children and I get $25 a month (each) to blow, and generally I've been using that money to buy fast food when we're out and about. My hubby and I have decided that we won't eat out without the other, so this has been great accountability for me, and I get to save some of my "fun money" for other things (like yarn and my bi-monthly pedicures!).

A while back, I told him that I would like to save my fun money (except for my pedicures) to buy a new wardrobe when I get down to my goal weight. He very kindly offered to match whatever I save, so I definitely want to keep doing a good job. I haven't had a closet full of new clothes since before we got married! I used to work for Lane Bryant, so I used my discount to the fullest. I can't wait to buy new panties and bras that fit great, and have some items that aren't 6 years old!

I'm still not doing well on eating better or exercising though. I still eat anything I can get my hands on. I crave sweets almost constantly (hence all the desserts lately--although we did take a couple dozen cookies to the fire station around the corner today), and if I can't find any of those, I overeat whatever I can find. Today I had chips and salsa, and peanut butter toast with homemade jam, when I had beautiful Romaine and carrots in the crisper.

I did a Zumba video with the boys one Friday, a couple of weeks ago, and we went for a walk a couple of times, and shoveled the driveway, but nothing since then, and the walks weren't strenuous. It was really just an excuse to get the little balls of energy out of the house. I would love to start doing that more often, get them out and enjoying the neighborhood, but it's just been so cold lately, and I would have to take the baby too. I could do Zumba, I just forget in the middle of doing everything else every day.

I know most people mark the beginning of a new year as their starting point for goals/resolutions, but what I want to do this year, I wasn't prepared for on January 1. Last year, in January, I started my version of a "Daniel fast," which is basically eating only fruits and veggies. I did well for a week (my goal was 2 weeks, then start Slim4Life eating guidelines again), then started to get really hungry, and found out by the 3rd week that I was pregnant, so I stopped. I was still 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be when I was pregnant again, but it was too late to try to lose a lot of weight. That was when I called my OB to find out what he recommended for pregnant women and the nurse told me to start WeightWatchers.

I digress. What I want to do this year, starting on February 1 (a week away!) is start my Daniel fast again, but since I'm nursing, with some allowances. I can't give up milk, since it helps with lactation, so I will allow myself 2 cups of milk a day. I can do without cheese, so I will stick to that. I will also eat oatmeal (also helps with lactation), beans, eggs, nuts, and peanut butter (I have to get my protein somewhere). I am going meat-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and most importantly, sweet-free. I'm really hoping to go the whole month of February to break my sweet cravings. The other stuff is to help detox my body and get in a healthier state of mind. I need the fruits and vegetables in my regular diet, and so many times I nearly omit them completely.

I'm kind of excited about doing my produce shopping. Since before Sam was born, I've been stocking our pantry with lots of "convenience" items (they're so darn inexpensive when you find a good sale!), and nothing about this fast is really convenient. I'll have salads, probably every day, omelettes, oatmeal instead of cereal (I had oatmeal every day for nearly two years when I was nursing the twins), stir-fry without the meat and rice, fajita veggies, smoothies with frozen berries, and lots of other yummy recipes I'll come up with. I will try a meatless chili, vegetable soups (it is winter, after all), and maybe even my wonderful butternut squash bisque (I'll have to watch the milk content though).

Samuel turns 6 months on March 2nd, after my fast should be over. I'm hoping that by then, I can lose about 18 pounds so I can really start my weight loss (I was 278 both times I started S4L, and when I got pregnant with Samuel). Even if I don't get down that far, I'm sure by not eating my current diet, I'll at least inch away from the 300 mark. I've got to do something.

I guess this post wasn't as disjointed as I thought it would be. I just needed to start writing to figure out what I wanted to write about. I will keep you posted with how the fast is going, and share what I've found are my favorite veggie dishes. Until then, take care and God bless. Thanks for reading!

Some new stuff...

Tomorrow is Monday, but we're out of town, so I can't use the same scale that I usually use on Mondays, so I will weigh myself Tuesday morning instead this week. Hopefully I won't have gained more weight (like the 2.5 lbs I did last week).

I am not doing so well with the no junk food either. All in all, I don't think I'm coping with winter, my dad's death, and a newborn that well. Food is my comfort. I've been eating anything I can get my hands on (except fast food, I'm proud to say), and nothing satisfies. I've eaten until I'm completely full and can't eat another bite, but then the boys will do something, or I'll think about something, or something will go wrong, and I'll suddenly need to eat.

The following excerpt is from one of my other blogs, where I wrote about the same topic:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

All this is to say, I need to write to sort out my feelings, and things may not be very lighthearted for a while, so if you decide to keep with me, bear with me. I'm sure I'll be okay (I'll die and be with my dad again someday, after all), but for now, pray for me and my family as we process this hard time. I'll try to update as I can, and write some longer posts here and there. Good luck on your journey and hopefully we'll see each other at the end.

New Year, New Me

I just posted an entry about my dad, and I won't be able to elaborate until I get some time and a clear head, but I wanted to post about my goals for this coming year as well.

I know most people make "resolutions" this time of year, but I have never kept one resolution in my 34 (eek!) years of life (except to stop drinking pop--that wasn't a New Year's thing though, but it was in January...). I like to make goals instead. Things I can progress toward, instead of hard and fast "rules" for living.

I'll keep it short, but my physical goals for this year are to continue to breastfeed, to walk/exercise 3-4 days a week, and to lose weight. I am still aiming for my goal of 190 by Samuel's 2nd birthday, although I've only gained weight since Dad died. I plan to walk with my children so they can get the energy release they need, and I can get the stamina and tone I desire. I will change my eating habits from chocolate and the junk I've been eating lately to include more vegetables and fruits, and stop eating fast food. I may have to revisit this in another post, as I don't want to get into the psychology of my choices right now, but I will do my best this year to strive toward these goals and accomplish them.

Good luck to you on your resolutions/goals/oaths or whatever you choose to call your lifestyle changes. God bless you in this New Year!

P.S. I am starting at 290 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to be considerably less this time next year, even if I'm not quite at my 190 goal. Baby steps...

Dad

I can't write about it yet, it's still too fresh (even though it's been a month), but here is a post from one of my other blogs about my dad: http://knitpickerlnp.blogspot.com/2016/12/dad.html

I will write more as I am able, but I am still wrapping my head around everything that happened, and dealing with it in my own way. Usually, that's to write, but if I can't get time to do the topic justice, I just won't do it.

Thanksgiving thoughts

You would think a fat person like me would love the holidays because of all the food. There's always an excuse to be eating: family gatherings, candy canes, baking Christmas cookies and candies, and holiday parties. Actually, I rather hate that entire aspect of the holidays.

Since I started being conscious of what I weigh, I have come to dread holidays. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but really, all holidays. I have a large family (on all sides), so every holiday is an occasion to get together for a delicious pot luck meal. Yes, the food is always amazing, the desserts are delicious, and the nachos or candies or other snack foods left out are tempting and wonderful, but the whole idea of buffet-style, out-all-day freedom is sometimes too much for someone who has a hard time with self-control. 

My husband and I have tried putting limits on what we eat. We've tried saying just 1 plate and 1 dessert. But somehow, I have a really hard time staying away from the dessert table and not picking up a cookie or brownie, or a handful of M & M's every time I walk by. 

I am resigned to the fact that I will overeat at these gatherings, and I will gain, or at the very least, not lose any weight during these times. I know some people will think I'm a loser with no will power, or that I'm too dumb to take my own healthy snack or meal, but I've tried these things, and for me, they just take the joy out of the holiday.  

Part of knowing it's Christmas is getting to eat Grandma's peanut butter fudge, or my cousin's authentic Italian pizza. Thanksgiving, it's the stuffing and mashed potatoes.

I'm not willing to give those things up, when I only get to have them this one time of the year. 

I guess I could approach it like I do my finances: sacrifice now so I can enjoy them later, but I'm not prepared to do that right now, so I can't really do much about it today. I will try to only have one helping of all of my favorite things, and add some of the healthier options (if there are any). 

I also realized a day or two ago, as I was looking through our photos for a Christmas project, that when the twins were born, I didn't lose the baby weight until they were 6 months old, when I started Slim4Life again. I am still heavier now than I ever wanted to be, and I know the longer I stay at this weight, the longer it will take to get down. I will still try to lose weight before Sam is 6 months old (he'll be 3 next week!), but I'm no longer worried I'm not making my goals. I was hoping to be 278 by today, my birthday, but I'm still at 292. 

Another reason I dread Thanksgiving is my birthday always falls on or around the holiday. When I was a kid, I knew I would see my family and get to open gifts, but since I outgrew that, it's like no one even remembers. I never got to have birthday parties with my friends around Thanksgiving because they were always busy or out of town. 

This year happens to be one of those years when my birthday is on Thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be grateful for, I have a heavy heart. My Dad, whom I wrote about in this post, is in the hospital with an infection. The cause of the infection is the tumor in his stomach leeching all the fluid that comes in to his belly, and before they can siphon it out is getting infected. They are fighting the infection with antibiotics, but so far have been ineffective. The infection has to go away before they can start chemo back up, which is hopefully to kill or at least stop the tumor from growing. 

It is an awful cycle, and probably won't be resolved at a rate that is helpful to him. That being said, this very well might be my last Thanksgiving with Dad. His health is steadily declining (he's coughing up blood and can't keep anything down, not even water), so I don't even know if he'll get to make it to Christmas. I want to spend every moment I can with him, to try and comfort him, but nothing I say or do can make things better. So I just hold his hand and cry with him. I took the boys over Tuesday, and he read to the older ones and held Samuel most of the time we were there. When we left, he said good-bye like he didn't expect to see us again. 

I hate to be such a downer on Thanksgiving, but this is what's going through my head right now. I feel better putting it down in writing so I don't have to think it over all the time. If you've read to here, thank you for your time. We would appreciate your prayers, for healing and comfort in this horrible time. God bless you and your family this Thanksgiving.

Dad with Samuel, his 4th grandson

Isaac, Tyson, Samuel, and Dad

Time to tell...

I wish it weren't always 10 pm when I have time to myself to collect my thoughts and write. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only time I have to get anything done that isn't laundry, dishes, nursing the baby, taking a shower, bathing the twins, or breaking up arguments between them. By the time I get to this point in the day, it's always a battle over the things I know I should do (spending time with my hubby, reading and praying, sleeping) and the things I want to do, like putting my thoughts down in print.

I have a little time tonight, so I thought I would share what's been going on that is consuming most of my mental and emotional energy right now.

My dad has always been a big guy. Not just tall (he's 6' 2" or so), but large. He's always been over 200, and in the past 10 years since his parents died, his brother died suddenly, and he had two major injuries that kept him from working for months at a time, he has put on many more pounds. He got up to just under 500 last summer and injured his back from carrying all that weight around.

Last October, after he had lost about 15 pounds preparing for his surgery

We prayed, prayed, and prayed some more that he would seek help for his weight problem, because they refused to do anything to help his back due to how heavy he was. He couldn't stand to be on his feet, which is what his job requires him to do every day for 8 hours, so as soon as he got home he would plant himself on the couch and only get up to go to the bathroom and bed. He couldn't play with his grandchildren because he hurt so badly.

I had mentioned to my mom several times about bariatric surgery because I knew at least 4 people who had undergone the procedure and had amazing results. Finally, my husband and I got up the courage to talk to Dad about it, and even brought over some brochures to share with him from one of my friends. He was thinking about it, as a last resort, and decided to look into it.

Praise God, in February (the day after our first ultrasound for Samuel), he had gastric bypass surgery and everything seemed to go great. He lost over 200 pounds between last summer when he went to the informational meeting and started making changes and when we moved in July. Then he started having trouble keeping food down.

He had a minor procedure done to stretch his muscles, which is somewhat common after bariatric surgery, but after the 2nd time having it done, he was still having the same problems. It got so bad that he would vomit even after having just water to drink. This went on far too long (nearly a month) and he was becoming dehydrated, so he finally admitted himself to the ER at the beginning of October. After a week of being on IV fluids and running a few tests, they started looking for other causes of his vomiting and found his white blood cell count was high.

We learned a few days later that he has stage 4 stomach cancer, which is apparently treatable but not curable or operable. He started chemo yesterday and is going every 2 weeks for 6 months to fight it.

This has been heartbreaking, especially after all that he's gone through to live healthier. He looked so good this summer, better than I can remember him looking since I was little. He had energy, he walked with his head held high for the first time in many years, not shrinking back because of his weight. He played with his 3 grandsons and most importantly, was not in pain. After the month of failed attempts at rectifying the issues, now he looks almost eerily thin, his muscles are weak and deteriorating and his skin just hangs off him.

One year later, just after learning about his cancer

My mom is barely hanging on. She is so strong, because she has to be, but I know it's killing her inside to see him go through this. She is a Christian, so she has her faith to help her through, but we are still not sure whether Dad is truly saved or not. We have presented the Gospel to him many times, have prayed with him and for him to know and have an eternal relationship with the One True God, but we have never gotten reassurance that he is in fact saved.

If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for my family. For my dad, for complete healing and for his spirit not to be broken, and for his salvation; for my mom, that she has the energy to keep encouraging him and to help him get through this. Thank you so much and God bless.

Monday again...

I need to get a nap in while the baby is sleeping, but I wanted to stop in for a quick post.

Life is hectic, and maybe I'll write about it later this week, but in the meantime, could you please pray for my parents? They are both having major health issues and it doesn't look like things will improve for a while.

At least I'm not gaining weight, due to the amount of chocolate chip cookies I've been scarfing for days now. Stress eating is a real thing! I hope to make it back to my pre-baby weight of 278 by my 6 week doctor follow-up. I know 278 doesn't sound that desirable, but at least it's progress...

I'll leave you with this week's photos. Grumpy the dwarf was at our house again this morning, as the baby had just eaten 30 minutes before my hubby had to leave for work. I was so tired...

Week 4 Weight: 288.5 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

Monday check-in

I know I don't technically need to check in every Monday, but it is a nice way to keep myself accountable by doing it this way. I have been doing photos on Monday since I first started Slim4Life (nearly 4 years ago!), so it is a bit of a habit now.

I am pleased with how much I've lost so far after having Samuel. I am almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is still what I weighed when I first started Slim4Life, but at least I know that the pregnancy didn't affect me too poorly. Now I have the task of eating well and exercising to get down to a weight that I do feel good about.

So far, I feel like I've been eating pretty well. I know I have to keep up my energy so I can nurse Sam and be aware for my toddlers. I've been eating far more veggies lately than I did when I was pregnant, and drinking over a gallon of water a day to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hardly ever need to pee, so I know it's going somewhere...

My toddlers are taking this all in stride. I can't say I "chase them around," because, honestly, I'm on my rear most of the time they're playing. I'm usually either eating, watching Thomas, nursing, or sleeping, so I don't have to chase them around the house. I'd like to say it's because I just had major abdominal surgery (c-section), but really it's because I don't lead an active lifestyle. 

I am not one of those people who just has to be up moving all the time, and I don't know what I can do differently to change that. I'd like to take walks with them regularly, but Isaac has had some majorly weird reactions to mosquito bites and I hesitate to even take him outside sometimes. We were out for about 45 minutes today and he came in with 2 bites and Tyson had 1. I know I can use bug spray, but I tried the DEET-free stuff and it didn't work, and I can't stand the feel or the smell of the other stuff. I have to figure out something though, because our backyard is too large to spend all our time indoors.

It's one of those precious moments when all the kiddos are asleep, so I better hang it up as well. Here are some photos from today. I'm glad I've lost what I have so far, because I have to fit into a pair of uniform pants tomorrow, and they just barely fit. I'll definitely have to watch my stress eating that is creeping up on me, or I'll never get down to my goal. 

Please excuse the funky hair. Newborn Mom hair...

Week 2 Post-partum Weight: 286 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

A New Me

Part of the whole premise of this blog was to make myself accountable to lose weight and to become essentially "a new me." In my mind, I consider that to include everything physical about me, from weight, to vision, hair, skin, teeth, and general wellness.

I had an eye-opening appointment last week that shed some light on an area that I've been sorely neglecting. We regularly visit the dentist twice a year, as recommended, and every time I go, I always dread the feeling afterward of the soreness of my gums from the hygienist digging in with her tools and then flossing. I always tell myself that I will continue to floss after that appointment, since I've gone through the initial pain of starting, and it will eventually feel better, my teeth will stop bleeding, and I'll be one of those people who never have problems with their teeth. 

My world was shattered this past time. I got a poor report that I am on a slippery path to gum disease if I don't change something about my routine and quickly. I've never been good at flossing regularly. I've always put it on my list of things to add to my daily routine, but I've always avoided it, due to the bleeding, the soreness, and the fact that I have a permanent retainer and I have to use one of those floss threaders every time. It's inconvenient. It's painful. I will never end up as one of those people. Well, I might be one of those people. 

Luckily, she told me that if I floss every day until my next appointment (and beyond, of course), I might improve the shape of my gums, or at least maintain the current status. I have never gotten a bad report from the dentist. Maybe a cavity here or there, and I had braces for 2 years in school, but never a bad report. I've always been told I needed to floss and brush twice a day, but always got by with brushing once in the morning and skipping flossing altogether. Now, for some reason (possibly pregnancy), my gums are receding at an alarming rate and I have to change something. 

So far, I have flossed at least once a day since my appointment, and brushed twice a day nearly every day. And it's not terrible. I have to give myself a little more time to get ready in the morning (not so easy to do with a newborn and the pokey toddlers that need extra attention right now), but I've done it. It might get a little trickier next week when my hubby goes back to work and isn't there to help dress and feed the kiddos, but I plan to continue. This is something I've always known was good to do, yet didn't see the purpose of it for me, who has always had pretty healthy teeth. 

This is just another aspect of my physical transformation over the next couple of years to a healthier me. I'll keep you posted and let you know if I've had any improvement at my next appointment in March.

Post-partum

Ideally, I would post on Mondays continuously, so I can be consistent, but considering I just had a baby 12 days ago and major abdominal surgery, I'd say 2 days late on a post is a miracle.

Life with Samuel has been an adjustment for all of us. Thankfully, it hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared (2 am feedings, being awake and active with my toddlers, and keeping up with cooking and cleaning for 5 instead of 4 had me quite intimidated), but it still hasn't been a walk in the park either. I am regularly getting about 5-6 hours of sleep, which is only possible because my hubby is still home this week and has taken some of the graveyard shift for me. The twins are having a hard time coping with sharing Mom and Dad with yet another person, who happens to interrupt their sleep with wailing a few times a night, so they are acting out and generally cranky for much of the day. 

One of the few things that seems to be going right is that I'm eating much better than I did when I was pregnant. We have a freezer full of delicious meals we've been slowly digging into, as well as eating tons of salads for lunch. I've actually enjoyed eating salad. It's been so long since I did that regularly, and through most of my pregnancy I was so tired and, for lack of a better word, lazy, that I ate whatever junk I could get my hands on. With the help of my hubby, I've been able to get the twins fed and get myself a delicious and balanced lunch every day, and we've had steamed veggies with our pre-made frozen meals almost every evening. 

Nursing is also going okay. Sam was a pro right from the first try, so my body is already back in "dairy" mode. It's almost working too well, as the poor kid has choked more than once on the massive amounts of milk my body is churning out. I guess I don't have to worry about supply with this one! I assume it will acclimate soon, but after nursing 2 kiddos for 2 years, all it knows is make, make, make. At least I can build up my storage supply for rainy days.

I am not too concerned about it right now, because I want to make sure my newborn is getting enough  good nutritious milk, but I have also lost a fair amount of weight so far. I was a little disappointed to discover after delivering him that I had only lost about 10 pounds (what about all the fluid they took out of me?!), but I weighed myself again on Monday and I am now down 20 pounds from my last OB appointment. I don't know if my body will keep this up or if I will plateau like I did after the twins were born, but I'll take whatever I can get right now while it works!

That's about all my tired mind will generate at this point. There isn't a whole lot more to tell. Until next time...

It's time!

He's here! Our little boy is perfect in every way, beautiful, and healthy. We are so proud to be his parents. Presenting Samuel Brodrick Patterson, weighing 9 lb 15 oz, 22 inches tall, he joined us on Friday morning, after a stressful week of decisions and uncertainty.

I'll write more again once we get home and settled somewhat. For now, he is doing great, and after a couple of rough days recovering from a c-section, I am too!

Until next time!

Surprise!!

No, he's not here yet. That's the surprise! 

As of my OB appointment on Wednesday, my doc didn't think I'd have him before my next appointment, this Wednesday. He even said to me, "Does this guy know he's due soon?" Apparently, I'm doing a good job of keeping him comfy, so he doesn't want to leave. Truthfully, I think my due date is off and that he was just measuring big for the ultrasound. I'm not surprised. I was over 11 pounds when I was born, and I'm obviously still quite large. We just have big babies in our family.

That's all there is to tell right now. I feel pretty good still, it's been cooler here the last couple of weeks, and most of my maternity clothes still fit. I think I'm done gaining weight, even though it fluctuates a pound or two every week, I don't think I have to worry about topping out at 315 or anything. So we're just waiting. The freezers and pantry are completely stocked (seriously, I can't even open the ads this week--I don't have anywhere to store anything else!), the house is somewhat clean and most of my little projects are either not exciting enough to get motivated to do, or so trivial I don't care whether they get done now or a year from now. Laundry is caught up (I do it about every 4 days instead of weekly, mostly out of boredom...) and the kitchen looks great. 

I know I'll have Blessing within the next couple of weeks, whether he comes on his own or I end up getting induced. It's weird to think that our lives are going to change so much so quickly. We've been enjoying spending time with the twins. We've watched movies together, played together, wrestled (at least, my hubby has), tickled, read, and snuggled. I will miss these days once the baby comes. It has been nice to have so much time to give them our attention. I hope they will remember how much we love them when we can't cater to them 24/7 anymore.

Here's to a September baby. Only 50 more hours to go. I'll try to let you know when he comes, at least with a note to say he's here. What a journey!

Please forgive the grumpiness in the photos. I was having a rough time with my body. I may write about it in the next couple of days, but I'd rather just forget it.

Until next time, we appreciate your prayers for a healthy delivery. Take care and God bless!

Getting there...

The baby's still happy and safe inside, so I thought I'd give probably my last update before he comes. Watch me eat my words and not have him for another 2 weeks or more...

The OB said he wouldn't be surprised if Blessing had come this weekend, which would have suited him, since he was the on-call doc for the clinic. I told him the weather was going to be too nice to spend it in the hospital, and luckily, the baby agreed! Instead, we spent the weekend putting the finishing touches on our new home, tidying up and finding a space for all the little random things, and spending much of it outside and relaxing! 

I even took the boys for a walk on Friday, something we needed to do, but I was so scared to do anything physical for fear of initiating contractions. Now that the house is put together, I don't care when he comes, I just want it to be on his watch, not mine. We rode tricycles (by "we," I mean my children) outside, weeded the flower bed out front, and just sat out on the porch enjoying the 75 degree weather. 

Today, I even took the boys to the zoo! Instead of just riding all the rides (they have 5 options for getting around), we walked a fair way and I barely broke a sweat. It was great! We definitely needed that, just a little bit of our old "normal" life before the baby comes and disrupts things again. The boys were so excited to ride the train and see the giraffes, it made the wait worth it.

I don't know what else to do while we're waiting for the baby. My nesting instincts have all been fulfilled since we moved to a new house: new paint on the walls, everything is clean from ceiling to floor, my freezer is stocked almost to overflowing with tasty meals and snacks, and the baby clothes and items have all been washed and put away. I guess now we just do. If we want to go somewhere (within reason--I don't want to be too far from the hospital with the boys by myself), we can. If we want to sit outside and play all morning, we can. This is such a switch from the way we've been living for the last several weeks.

I started knitting a sweater for a family member of mine that asked this summer. I told her I would probably not have time to work on it until after the baby comes, but that I would try to have it done by Christmas, being optimistic at that point. I started it yesterday and am nearly a quarter of the way finished. 

This is just completely new to me, not having anything pressing on my plate, and I'm enjoying it, but my instinct is to find things to busy myself with. I need to learn to be content with idleness, I guess. Some people (like my husband) would call it "rest." I have never been good at that. There is always something that needs doing. I still have a list of items I would like to accomplish, projects to finish up, yarn to use up, things to do with the boys, but none of those are exceptionally compelling to me at this point, so I am trying to just enjoy these last few days with my family of 4, and not fill them completely with tasks.

With that being said, I should wrap this up and get some sleep. Here are today's photos. I don't think there's much change, although to me it feels like he is sitting lower. There's more space between my chest and the top of my bump, from my point of view. Anyway, here they are: