6 Months Later...

I don't even know what I last posted about. Usually, when I'm ready to post, I'll read the last couple to assure I'm not being redundant (it doesn't always work). Not tonight. Whatever I've said in the past is past, and I know I haven't kept any promises or reached any goals I set for myself in that time, so it doesn't matter.

What I will say tonight, though, is that I am excited. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm excited about the future and what it may have in store. If you have read any of the past posts of this blog, I'm sure you have come to find out that I'm all about planning, hoping, and praying, but not a lot about doing. I am excited, that for the first time in 4 years, I have a plan, a determination, to change my body, and do something for myself, something about myself. And it doesn't start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of next month, or my half-birthday, or any other time. I've already started!

I may have said this already, but after my Grandpa passed away in October, I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened after Dad died: I ate my feelings away. I used food like a drug to numb the pain, and still do.

I went back to Slim4Life and told them I needed to lose 78 pounds asap, but more importantly, I needed to have accountability so I wouldn't let the stress of losing him consume me. They were more than happy to see me again, after 3 years off, and generously reinstated my weight loss weeks at no charge (a promotion they were holding to get people back). I was gung-ho about it for about a week, and old habits crept in. It was difficult to just jump in cold turkey, when our Wednesday church dinners always derailed me, going to Grandma's every week for lunch was unpredictable, and the twins' birthdays were coming up, when I knew I would be off plan.

It is so hard for me to want to be "good" when I know I have something coming up. I can hear my husband's voice right now, saying, "It's just one choice. Make the next choice a better one," but that is not how my brain works. If it's Monday morning and I know I have spaghetti and meatballs to look forward to at church Wednesday night, I throw the rest of the week out and think, "I'll just start Thursday morning instead." Well, that and my stress eating/late night snacking turned into 8 months of gaining weight, so now I am at my all-time high: 312 pounds!!!!

Precisely how my brain works!!

It is painful, weighing this much. I can't be on my bad ankle for more than a few minutes before I am sore, I can hardly stand to do work, or cook, or do yard work. I have been eating Tums like candy to combat the heartburn at night (to be fair, the tropical ones are quite yummy!), and I even woke up the other night with a mouth full of stomach acid that burned so bad I couldn't stop coughing and had to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch.

I took the older boys to an amusement park a couple of weeks ago, and one of my worst fears occurred: they delayed the ride so I could try several seats, dislodging 3 people, and still wasn't able to get the safety harness to work. I was very embarrassed and was glad it was almost time to leave. I had to buy new clothes this week to feel properly covered for summer. I saw myself in the full-length mirror and stared hard for a moment: I didn't recognize the body before me.

Needless to say I am ready for a change. After the acid reflux the other night, I decided I needed to go back to S4L (I haven't been in over a month, after the last time I was sick of my appearance). This time is different, though. I am still nursing Blessing, so since I've gone back to see them, they keep telling me to just be "on plan." This is harder than it sounds, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. This time, I told them I needed to start over, just like a new person, and it shouldn't matter if I'm breastfeeeding or not. As long as I'm not doing all of their pills and supplements, it can't be any worse than what I'm already putting into my body.

So I went in today, and I am already in the process of the "preparation" phase, where you break your body of the the cycle of dependence on carbohydrates, sugars, and starches. I have literally gone to the pantry thinking to myself, "all I want is some carbs, what kind of carbs can I find?" This is crucial to my success! In the prep phase, you eat unlimited raw green veggies, eggs, and unlimited meat. So I won't be hungry, I am still getting plenty of good food, and I'm weaning myself off those things that so easily enslave me! I am excited, and this is why I'll be successful this time around.

I know Mothers' Day is Sunday, and there will be foods I'm not supposed to have, but I've already made a plan to overcome those, to eat other things, and I'm bringing several of the things I like to eat that are on plan. I still have several weeks to lose weight, but I think to lose 110 pounds by Sept. 2 (Blessing's 2nd birthday) is unrealistic. I would love to be at or below my goal weight by the time my weeks run out next March. I know it is a big goal, but I have the desire, and now I have the mindset, that I can do it. I will hopefully be able to post on Monday that I have lost the first 10 and am almost under 300 for the first time in months.

Wish me luck!

Clearing my head

Darn Daylight Savings Time, I'm wide awake and my alarm is set for 7 hours from now. I'm not really sure where this will end up, but I just need to get some stuff out of my head.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've done with all of my time. I still want to recap February's Daniel Fast and post about some of our favorite recipes, but that's going to have to wait. 

I've been watching a LOT of TV lately. My husband and I are trying to get through all 10 seasons of Friends, and we're so close to the end that we just have the TV on for hours. My kids watch way too much TV too. They wake up to Bob the Builder every morning (on Netflix), and anytime I'm nursing the baby, it's usually playing. We watch a family movie every Wednesday (in lieu of our Date Night), and when my husband's not home or has gone to bed (I'm up because I take naps nearly every afternoon), I have been binging on New Girl. And crafting tutorials on YouTube. We don't even watch "TV," just Netflix and movies. I don't know what we'll go to once these shows are over. 

I used to listen to music nearly 24 hours a day. I would fall asleep to it, have it on my phone or computer while I studied, wrote, graded papers, cooked, wrote lesson plans, drove in the car, and worked out. I almost never have music on anymore. I don't turn on Pandora first thing when I wake up. I don't even have my huge library of music accessible on my iPad (darn Apple and their glitchy syncopation), and I'm rarely on the computer, where my music is stored. I just don't get joy from it like I used to.

I can't remember the last time I just sat in the quiet and thought. I've realized that I don't like silence. That's why the TV is so often on. When it's quiet is when I miss my Dad the most. I rerun the last days of his life in my head so often, I don't know how I'll ever forget them. The last time I saw him in the hospital, the last time I talked with him on the phone, the way he looked the day he died. That's not the way I want to remember him, but it's been etched in stone in my mind. 

Helping my mom go through their home room by room doesn't help. My dad was a bit of a hoarder, a trait he inherited from his mother, and one that I'm afraid will fall on me more severely in the next several years. Finding things that he spent his hard-earned money on that will never be used, that just take up space in their home and will most likely end up being donated does not conjure up fond memories of him. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even more so for my mom. 

I don't like to think right now. I've put off nearly every conversation or contact that I possibly could in the last 3 months (has it only been that long since we lost him?), and even putting my thoughts down in writing is difficult for me. I guess I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience to make it coherent. I avoid checking my phone, and the only people I make an effort to talk to regularly are my husband, my mom, and my grandparents, who we visit weekly. Everyone else is too much of an effort. 

I don't care to see people either. I am ashamed of my appearance. I lost 10 pounds during our fast in February, and my goal is still to weigh under 200 by Sam's 2nd birthday, but I'm still 100 pounds away. I don't have any clothes that fit well, I rarely find time to shower, and I haven't done anything with my hair except pull it back in a bun for the last 3 years. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup, and even though we had a nice date last week, I still felt like an oversized blob in my elastic-waist skirt and loose blouse. 

I thought I was doing better. I went to see my PCP at the end of January, to discuss my depression, and he stated that as long as I am breastfeeding (which I very much want to do until Sam turns at least one, hopefully two), he did not recommend any medication. He said I could eat better, exercise more, and meditate, and possibly try ginkgo biloba. I need to do all of those things anyway (except the ginkgo biloba), so I said thanks and left. I talked with a friend and she mentioned a post-partum depression medication she had taken after her first child, but she said it took about a month to kick in. I called my OB and asked him about it and he said the same thing. I thought that I would be better off working through it on my own. 

I hate the idea of being on a pill to feel "normal." I already take more medication than I ever wanted to daily for my arthritis, plus vitamins for breastfeeding, allergy medicine,  and an oral contraceptive. I have to take my arthritis medicine to walk without hurting,  I didn't want to have to take a pill to not be "angry momma" all the time too.

I haven't really been eating better. I've pretty much reverted back to my old eating habits, plus several trips to restaurants already this month. I don't know what I weigh, as I plan to only weigh in on Mondays again. I've definitely not gotten more exercise. I think we went for a walk in our neighborhood 2 or 3 weeks ago and that was the last exercise I got. I have been praying more, trying to pray daily for peace, joy, patience, kindness (and the other 5 Fruit of the Spirit), but I haven't been consistent with that. 

What has changed has been my spending habits. We have been generously given some money from family recently and that has eaten away at much of my time and mental energy. I bought tons of crafting supplies (if only I had time to use them all!), toys for my kids, and some large purchases for our house. Unfortunately, none of this has made me feel any better. I spent $150 on new toys for the children today (after meticulously shopping all the retailers I could find), and after I clicked "submit," I didn't feel any better. 

I've not been able to cross many things off my to-do list either. I have been incredibly unproductive (spending most of my time researching the best prices on the fore-mentioned purchases and watching shows), and will do anything to not have to put my thoughts down on paper. I would like to write my children once a week. Sam turned 6 months last week and I wanted to write him a letter of his own. I want to write on all 3 of my blogs regularly. I have emails I haven't responded to in MONTHS, family I really need to talk to. I want to read and journal in my Bible. I even want to write my dad, to get the things I never got to tell him out. It is so hard to find time to get started, let alone make it worth reading. 

I guess all this is to say, even though I may try to put my best foot forward, there is still a mess behind this keyboard. I don't know how long it will take to get better. I don't know for certain that it will. I just keep praying God will cure me and help me find my joy again. I miss being me. This other, sadder, angrier, meaner, fatter, lazier, nastier version is not the person I dreamed I would be. I have the best of intentions, but then I wake up, and something goes wrong, or I don't get enough sleep, or one of the boys cries for a silly reason, or...it doesn't matter. I am still a work-in-progress. 

The one thing I can control is what I do. I can do the basics. Get up, pray, eat well, take care of my personal hygiene, love my children, love my spouse, go to bed on time. If I get anything else done, it's a blessing. So that's what I'll do. Starting first thing tomorrow. Baby steps. Now, I am getting sleepy. Wish me luck. God bless and good night. 

Scatter-brained

I don't know what to write tonight. I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head right now, about Dad, about my boys, my body, my marriage, my hobbies, my work, chores, and all I know is that I need to write.

I gained 3 pounds in the last week. I know why: the 4 different desserts we've baked in that time--2 batches of cookies, an Eagle Brand milk dessert, and Rice Krispy treats. Not to mention all the candy in our house leftover from Christmas, and the delicious Italian restaurant we visited Sunday evening. I'm not at all surprised.

So far, I'm doing great at 2 of my goals: breastfeeding is still going awesome, with my little chunky man weighing in at 16 pounds at his last appointment. He started sleeping through the night around Thanksgiving (2 1/2 months!), which I attributed to feeding him every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, so he eats 6 times a day. We have fallen into a groove where he eats around 8:30, 11, 2, 5, 7:30-8, and then right after the twins go to sleep at 9:30. He lets me know if we get off schedule! I think breastfeeding is the only thing keeping me under 300. It's certainly not my good eating habits.

I am still fast-food-free for the year, which is helping my waistline and our budget. I don't know how much money I've been spending on Taco Bell and McDonald's over the last few years, but it's been a good amount. My children and I get $25 a month (each) to blow, and generally I've been using that money to buy fast food when we're out and about. My hubby and I have decided that we won't eat out without the other, so this has been great accountability for me, and I get to save some of my "fun money" for other things (like yarn and my bi-monthly pedicures!).

A while back, I told him that I would like to save my fun money (except for my pedicures) to buy a new wardrobe when I get down to my goal weight. He very kindly offered to match whatever I save, so I definitely want to keep doing a good job. I haven't had a closet full of new clothes since before we got married! I used to work for Lane Bryant, so I used my discount to the fullest. I can't wait to buy new panties and bras that fit great, and have some items that aren't 6 years old!

I'm still not doing well on eating better or exercising though. I still eat anything I can get my hands on. I crave sweets almost constantly (hence all the desserts lately--although we did take a couple dozen cookies to the fire station around the corner today), and if I can't find any of those, I overeat whatever I can find. Today I had chips and salsa, and peanut butter toast with homemade jam, when I had beautiful Romaine and carrots in the crisper.

I did a Zumba video with the boys one Friday, a couple of weeks ago, and we went for a walk a couple of times, and shoveled the driveway, but nothing since then, and the walks weren't strenuous. It was really just an excuse to get the little balls of energy out of the house. I would love to start doing that more often, get them out and enjoying the neighborhood, but it's just been so cold lately, and I would have to take the baby too. I could do Zumba, I just forget in the middle of doing everything else every day.

I know most people mark the beginning of a new year as their starting point for goals/resolutions, but what I want to do this year, I wasn't prepared for on January 1. Last year, in January, I started my version of a "Daniel fast," which is basically eating only fruits and veggies. I did well for a week (my goal was 2 weeks, then start Slim4Life eating guidelines again), then started to get really hungry, and found out by the 3rd week that I was pregnant, so I stopped. I was still 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be when I was pregnant again, but it was too late to try to lose a lot of weight. That was when I called my OB to find out what he recommended for pregnant women and the nurse told me to start WeightWatchers.

I digress. What I want to do this year, starting on February 1 (a week away!) is start my Daniel fast again, but since I'm nursing, with some allowances. I can't give up milk, since it helps with lactation, so I will allow myself 2 cups of milk a day. I can do without cheese, so I will stick to that. I will also eat oatmeal (also helps with lactation), beans, eggs, nuts, and peanut butter (I have to get my protein somewhere). I am going meat-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and most importantly, sweet-free. I'm really hoping to go the whole month of February to break my sweet cravings. The other stuff is to help detox my body and get in a healthier state of mind. I need the fruits and vegetables in my regular diet, and so many times I nearly omit them completely.

I'm kind of excited about doing my produce shopping. Since before Sam was born, I've been stocking our pantry with lots of "convenience" items (they're so darn inexpensive when you find a good sale!), and nothing about this fast is really convenient. I'll have salads, probably every day, omelettes, oatmeal instead of cereal (I had oatmeal every day for nearly two years when I was nursing the twins), stir-fry without the meat and rice, fajita veggies, smoothies with frozen berries, and lots of other yummy recipes I'll come up with. I will try a meatless chili, vegetable soups (it is winter, after all), and maybe even my wonderful butternut squash bisque (I'll have to watch the milk content though).

Samuel turns 6 months on March 2nd, after my fast should be over. I'm hoping that by then, I can lose about 18 pounds so I can really start my weight loss (I was 278 both times I started S4L, and when I got pregnant with Samuel). Even if I don't get down that far, I'm sure by not eating my current diet, I'll at least inch away from the 300 mark. I've got to do something.

I guess this post wasn't as disjointed as I thought it would be. I just needed to start writing to figure out what I wanted to write about. I will keep you posted with how the fast is going, and share what I've found are my favorite veggie dishes. Until then, take care and God bless. Thanks for reading!

New Year, New Me

I just posted an entry about my dad, and I won't be able to elaborate until I get some time and a clear head, but I wanted to post about my goals for this coming year as well.

I know most people make "resolutions" this time of year, but I have never kept one resolution in my 34 (eek!) years of life (except to stop drinking pop--that wasn't a New Year's thing though, but it was in January...). I like to make goals instead. Things I can progress toward, instead of hard and fast "rules" for living.

I'll keep it short, but my physical goals for this year are to continue to breastfeed, to walk/exercise 3-4 days a week, and to lose weight. I am still aiming for my goal of 190 by Samuel's 2nd birthday, although I've only gained weight since Dad died. I plan to walk with my children so they can get the energy release they need, and I can get the stamina and tone I desire. I will change my eating habits from chocolate and the junk I've been eating lately to include more vegetables and fruits, and stop eating fast food. I may have to revisit this in another post, as I don't want to get into the psychology of my choices right now, but I will do my best this year to strive toward these goals and accomplish them.

Good luck to you on your resolutions/goals/oaths or whatever you choose to call your lifestyle changes. God bless you in this New Year!

P.S. I am starting at 290 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to be considerably less this time next year, even if I'm not quite at my 190 goal. Baby steps...

Monday check-in

I know I don't technically need to check in every Monday, but it is a nice way to keep myself accountable by doing it this way. I have been doing photos on Monday since I first started Slim4Life (nearly 4 years ago!), so it is a bit of a habit now.

I am pleased with how much I've lost so far after having Samuel. I am almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is still what I weighed when I first started Slim4Life, but at least I know that the pregnancy didn't affect me too poorly. Now I have the task of eating well and exercising to get down to a weight that I do feel good about.

So far, I feel like I've been eating pretty well. I know I have to keep up my energy so I can nurse Sam and be aware for my toddlers. I've been eating far more veggies lately than I did when I was pregnant, and drinking over a gallon of water a day to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hardly ever need to pee, so I know it's going somewhere...

My toddlers are taking this all in stride. I can't say I "chase them around," because, honestly, I'm on my rear most of the time they're playing. I'm usually either eating, watching Thomas, nursing, or sleeping, so I don't have to chase them around the house. I'd like to say it's because I just had major abdominal surgery (c-section), but really it's because I don't lead an active lifestyle. 

I am not one of those people who just has to be up moving all the time, and I don't know what I can do differently to change that. I'd like to take walks with them regularly, but Isaac has had some majorly weird reactions to mosquito bites and I hesitate to even take him outside sometimes. We were out for about 45 minutes today and he came in with 2 bites and Tyson had 1. I know I can use bug spray, but I tried the DEET-free stuff and it didn't work, and I can't stand the feel or the smell of the other stuff. I have to figure out something though, because our backyard is too large to spend all our time indoors.

It's one of those precious moments when all the kiddos are asleep, so I better hang it up as well. Here are some photos from today. I'm glad I've lost what I have so far, because I have to fit into a pair of uniform pants tomorrow, and they just barely fit. I'll definitely have to watch my stress eating that is creeping up on me, or I'll never get down to my goal. 

Please excuse the funky hair. Newborn Mom hair...

Week 2 Post-partum Weight: 286 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

Post-partum

Ideally, I would post on Mondays continuously, so I can be consistent, but considering I just had a baby 12 days ago and major abdominal surgery, I'd say 2 days late on a post is a miracle.

Life with Samuel has been an adjustment for all of us. Thankfully, it hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared (2 am feedings, being awake and active with my toddlers, and keeping up with cooking and cleaning for 5 instead of 4 had me quite intimidated), but it still hasn't been a walk in the park either. I am regularly getting about 5-6 hours of sleep, which is only possible because my hubby is still home this week and has taken some of the graveyard shift for me. The twins are having a hard time coping with sharing Mom and Dad with yet another person, who happens to interrupt their sleep with wailing a few times a night, so they are acting out and generally cranky for much of the day. 

One of the few things that seems to be going right is that I'm eating much better than I did when I was pregnant. We have a freezer full of delicious meals we've been slowly digging into, as well as eating tons of salads for lunch. I've actually enjoyed eating salad. It's been so long since I did that regularly, and through most of my pregnancy I was so tired and, for lack of a better word, lazy, that I ate whatever junk I could get my hands on. With the help of my hubby, I've been able to get the twins fed and get myself a delicious and balanced lunch every day, and we've had steamed veggies with our pre-made frozen meals almost every evening. 

Nursing is also going okay. Sam was a pro right from the first try, so my body is already back in "dairy" mode. It's almost working too well, as the poor kid has choked more than once on the massive amounts of milk my body is churning out. I guess I don't have to worry about supply with this one! I assume it will acclimate soon, but after nursing 2 kiddos for 2 years, all it knows is make, make, make. At least I can build up my storage supply for rainy days.

I am not too concerned about it right now, because I want to make sure my newborn is getting enough  good nutritious milk, but I have also lost a fair amount of weight so far. I was a little disappointed to discover after delivering him that I had only lost about 10 pounds (what about all the fluid they took out of me?!), but I weighed myself again on Monday and I am now down 20 pounds from my last OB appointment. I don't know if my body will keep this up or if I will plateau like I did after the twins were born, but I'll take whatever I can get right now while it works!

That's about all my tired mind will generate at this point. There isn't a whole lot more to tell. Until next time...

38 and feeling pretty great!

I'm actually a little surprised to have made it this far into pregnancy, after delivering at 36 weeks with the twins (which is great for twins, btw...), and the way my OB talks when I go see him. I have been saying since the beginning that I would love to deliver in September (which would make 40+ to 41 weeks), but ever since passing that 36 week mark, I've been skeptical. Maybe he will just hang out for a while longer...

Meanwhile, I am feeling a little better. The baby's head dropped a bit since my last post, which has given me tremendous relief from the shortness of breath (I still have some, since I'm over 300 pounds) and the acid reflux. I was taking Tums after every single thing I put in my mouth, but that's gotten noticeably better lately, and now I'm down to my normal 1-2 times a day. I think he's using my bladder as a squeeze toy, though, because the urge to go has greatly increased. I wake up about 3 times in the night to go now, instead of just 1, but I've been able to get back to sleep fairly easily, so it doesn't bother me too much. I'm just getting ready for late night feedings too, I suppose.

Speaking of feedings, my colostrum has started production! What a weird thing to talk about. I guess when you're pregnant all shame leaves your senses. I nursed the twins for 2 years almost to the day (we were all ready to call it quits by then), and it took months for me to stop actively making milk. Oh, it wasn't leaking or anything, and it probably wasn't enough to feed a toddler with, but I would check periodically and see, and it was definitely late spring when I finally stopped getting tiny white droplets. Well, I've already started producing again, and the tiny clear-ish droplets are back. 

One of the things I'm most looking forward to with this child is having breastfeeding be incredibly easy, low-stress, and helpful to my weight loss. Of course, I'll still have to eat well to produce enough good nutrients in my milk, but I'm pretty much counting on my body jumping full speed ahead into milk production as soon as he makes his debut, and not stopping until I've got a nice reserve stock built up or we just decide to quit altogether. Having nursed twins for such a long time, I'm fairly certain that I'll overproduce for several weeks, if not months, until my body's conditioned for just one. During that time, I plan to nurse and pump like a maniac so I can get a freezer full of milk, so that my family can have more freedom to go and do, as opposed to being tied to the baby all the time. Not that I didn't love every minute I got to spend with my boys nursing, but I know it put tremendous strain on my marriage because I was afraid to miss a feeding and lower my milk supply. Hopefully this time around, that won't even be a question.

I also look forward to being more active with the baby. The boys nursed every 3-4 hours for months, and in between, they took long naps. They still take a 2-3 hour nap daily, and they sleep through the night like champs! I tandem nursed them all the time (again, because I was afraid to lose supply to do it any other way), which was nearly impossible to do in public, so we spent nearly every moment of the first 6 months in our apartment. 

This was agonizingly lonely and I know that is a huge reason I didn't lose all the baby weight during that time and had to start over with my Slim4Life plan. We rarely took walks (also because it was freezing cold that winter), we almost never went out places, and so I stayed home and honed my baking skills (which, I might add, was a huge positive for our morale). I baked breads, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and cakes, because it was easy to mix the things up and then just shove them in the oven for a time. That's when I discovered my new favorite cookie recipe, which happen to be "lactation" cookies, but they're great for other reasons as well. This didn't help my loneliness or waistline either.

This child, I hope to be able to take him in the carrier (another first for me, since they don't make practical ones for twins), the stroller, and nurse him wherever it's convenient. I know there will be people that look down on that, but after having gone through what I did with my twins, I don't care. It is better for me to be able to be free and active than to worry about some people's uneducated perspective on feeding my child in public. And after having nearly everyone in your family see you tandem nursing twins, you really don't have any self-consciousness about your breasts.

We have zoo passes, and up until this July when it started to get miserably hot, I was taking the boys every week to make the most out of it. They love running around the zoo and riding all the rides. They know exactly where everything is and how to get there. I look forward to taking the baby, possibly even while my hubby is off after his birth. We also enjoy going to the local Renaissance Faire, which is always held around the time the baby is coming, so it'll be nice to be able to pack up and take him there. And, of course, we live in a beautiful treed neighborhood with gentle hills and sidewalks, so I'm really looking forward to getting out and taking walks with the boys, and just playing in our backyard.

Hopefully all this mobility will allow me to keep in a better state of mind after Blessing comes. I never sought professional help for it last time, but looking back, I believe that the loneliness, stress, and other factors caused me to develop post-partum depression. Being stuck in our small two-bedroom apartment with 2 crying little boys day after day with little exposure to the sun and outdoors, and lots of "friends" who were either too busy or too polite to stop in to see us made for a very rough first year. It's gotten better as they've gotten older and more independent, but we're still working deliberately to build new friendships and rekindle the old friendships we had before children. It is still lonely, but at least my kids and I can have a conversation. 

This went a lot deeper than I was planning. I suppose there's just a lot going on in my mind that I need to get out on paper to process, and since I don't have a ton of girlfriends to bounce this stuff off of, this is where it comes out. Thanks for reading this far. 

Here are my latest photos, taken this morning. I don't notice much change since last week, but he does appear to be riding a little lower. 

Week: 38 Weight: 305.5 Total weight gain: 27.5

I hope this post encourages someone, somehow. If nothing else, at least you'll realize you aren't alone in your struggles.

I don't know if I'll make it another week before Blessing comes, but if not, it might be a while before my next post. I'll try to take photos next week anyway, just so I can document the post-baby belly with the baby bump. Wish me luck in having a successful VBAC! I'm terrified of what that entails, but my OB seems confident I'm a great candidate for it. I guess we'll see!

Making Mini-Me's

It's been nearly 2 years since I've posted here, and not just because I have failed to reach my goals (nearly all of them), but also because raising 2 little humans is work, and taking the time to do something for yourself takes even more work, like getting my head clear by putting my thoughts down on "paper." I guess I'm just in the mood to write, and if anyone wants to read this, more power to them.

These goals I mentioned...getting to my goal weight, running a 5K, fitting in my summer shorts and feeling good about the way I look...unfortunately, that next month was full of family dinners and other reasons to get off plan, and I spent much of it finding excuses to not care about my body. Fortunately, I was able to nurse the boys not only until their 1st birthday, but to 4 days after their 2nd birthday! I should have quit at about 18 months for both my sanity and their freedom, but I was very stubborn and would not let it go until I reached that mark. Of course, I scaled back gradually toward the end, which caused my lack of self-care to escalate my weight even more, but I did make it. And then the weight packed on.

Going into the holiday season, sitting on my haunches for most of the day while my toddlers ran around me, eating fast food in the car more times than I care to admit, and nearly eliminating healthy produce from my diet and instead opting for carb-loaded easy fixes helped me gain back every ounce of weight I was so proud to lose in my last posts. Over the course of that year and a half from my last posts until last Christmas, I gradually put on all the weight, lost tons of muscle, and basically lost all hope of ever losing it again.

And then, right after New Year's, we found out we were pregnant again! My body was not in a condition I would consider prime for making babies, we weren't trying; in fact, it happened over the course of a week and a half last November when I was on antibiotics for emergency oral surgery. Happy birthday to me :-) So now, I am in my 8th month of pregnancy in the miserable Missouri heat and humidity, 30 pounds heavier than I ever hoped to be if I got pregnant again, and looking at another 310 or so top weight. This is what I weighed with the twins the morning I delivered, and I'm not quite there yet (I'm at just over 300), but I still have 7 weeks with this little guy to maintain.

Week: 32 Weight: 299.5 Total weight gain since week 7: 21.5 lbs

I wish I weren't so big. I still don't even look pregnant in some of my outfits and I'm sure there are plenty of people who scoff when I park in the "Expecting and New Mothers" parking space at the grocery store, but I really am having a baby in less than 2 months.

The good news is, once I have this kiddo, I can really get serious about losing weight. I tried Weight Watchers for a very short time when I found out I was pregnant, per the OB's nurse's recommendation. It didn't work. I didn't gain any weight, but I had to eat obscene amounts of junk to get all the points in. I don't understand how that program helps anyone, if all the good stuff is zero points, and you have to eat so much of the carbs and things to use up your points that you don't have any room left to eat the fruits and veggies. I realize that my experience may have been a little skewed, since they don't technically have a "pregnant" diet and I was advised by the nurse to just do the breastfeeding plan. I don't think I'll ever try that particular program again.

The problem with these "plans" is that once you start them, everything goes great. If you stop at any point before you reach the maintenance phase, though, you're doomed to repeat the mistakes of your past. So in order to be successful, you have to have total commitment, which I've been lacking every time.

That is why once this baby comes, I plan to eat well to maintain my milk supply, nurse him as long as possible (up to 2 years, but at least 1 year), and get out and exercise more. I'm not spending another dime on a program that doesn't work for me, that can't help me stay motivated to the end, and is so regimented that I give up the first time I fail. I will lose the weight this time, but I'm giving myself plenty of time to do it. I already know what to eat to lose weight, it is a matter of putting it consistently into practice and making it a lifestyle, not just a thing to do for a time to reach a goal.

I have a goal of being in the 100's by the time my child turns 2, which is doable at about 50 pounds a year while breastfeeding, chasing 2 toddlers, and finally getting to be comfortable outside after he comes this fall. We are moving to a house in 2 weeks, so I can be out in the yard gardening and playing with my boys. I will have room to do Zumba, a workout I really love that is something I know helps me tone my muscles. I will have a beautiful hilly, treed neighborhood to stroll through with my boys in tow. And I can make being active a part of my life, instead of the sedentary one I lead right now.

I am trying to be realistic, yet still have something to work toward. Over a hundred pounds lost in 2 years is nothing to scoff at, and it will be hard at times. But I hope that by pacing myself I will be able to do this. I hope you will join me in changing something about yourself you have struggled with for years.

P.S. Here's a little bonus pic of the boys now, at nearly 2 3/4 years old. I want them to know me as the fun, active mommy who is able to play with them and run with them, not the crabby one who barks orders from her easy chair because she is too lazy or unable to get out of it.