6 Months Later...

I don't even know what I last posted about. Usually, when I'm ready to post, I'll read the last couple to assure I'm not being redundant (it doesn't always work). Not tonight. Whatever I've said in the past is past, and I know I haven't kept any promises or reached any goals I set for myself in that time, so it doesn't matter.

What I will say tonight, though, is that I am excited. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm excited about the future and what it may have in store. If you have read any of the past posts of this blog, I'm sure you have come to find out that I'm all about planning, hoping, and praying, but not a lot about doing. I am excited, that for the first time in 4 years, I have a plan, a determination, to change my body, and do something for myself, something about myself. And it doesn't start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of next month, or my half-birthday, or any other time. I've already started!

I may have said this already, but after my Grandpa passed away in October, I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened after Dad died: I ate my feelings away. I used food like a drug to numb the pain, and still do.

I went back to Slim4Life and told them I needed to lose 78 pounds asap, but more importantly, I needed to have accountability so I wouldn't let the stress of losing him consume me. They were more than happy to see me again, after 3 years off, and generously reinstated my weight loss weeks at no charge (a promotion they were holding to get people back). I was gung-ho about it for about a week, and old habits crept in. It was difficult to just jump in cold turkey, when our Wednesday church dinners always derailed me, going to Grandma's every week for lunch was unpredictable, and the twins' birthdays were coming up, when I knew I would be off plan.

It is so hard for me to want to be "good" when I know I have something coming up. I can hear my husband's voice right now, saying, "It's just one choice. Make the next choice a better one," but that is not how my brain works. If it's Monday morning and I know I have spaghetti and meatballs to look forward to at church Wednesday night, I throw the rest of the week out and think, "I'll just start Thursday morning instead." Well, that and my stress eating/late night snacking turned into 8 months of gaining weight, so now I am at my all-time high: 312 pounds!!!!

Precisely how my brain works!!

It is painful, weighing this much. I can't be on my bad ankle for more than a few minutes before I am sore, I can hardly stand to do work, or cook, or do yard work. I have been eating Tums like candy to combat the heartburn at night (to be fair, the tropical ones are quite yummy!), and I even woke up the other night with a mouth full of stomach acid that burned so bad I couldn't stop coughing and had to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch.

I took the older boys to an amusement park a couple of weeks ago, and one of my worst fears occurred: they delayed the ride so I could try several seats, dislodging 3 people, and still wasn't able to get the safety harness to work. I was very embarrassed and was glad it was almost time to leave. I had to buy new clothes this week to feel properly covered for summer. I saw myself in the full-length mirror and stared hard for a moment: I didn't recognize the body before me.

Needless to say I am ready for a change. After the acid reflux the other night, I decided I needed to go back to S4L (I haven't been in over a month, after the last time I was sick of my appearance). This time is different, though. I am still nursing Blessing, so since I've gone back to see them, they keep telling me to just be "on plan." This is harder than it sounds, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. This time, I told them I needed to start over, just like a new person, and it shouldn't matter if I'm breastfeeeding or not. As long as I'm not doing all of their pills and supplements, it can't be any worse than what I'm already putting into my body.

So I went in today, and I am already in the process of the "preparation" phase, where you break your body of the the cycle of dependence on carbohydrates, sugars, and starches. I have literally gone to the pantry thinking to myself, "all I want is some carbs, what kind of carbs can I find?" This is crucial to my success! In the prep phase, you eat unlimited raw green veggies, eggs, and unlimited meat. So I won't be hungry, I am still getting plenty of good food, and I'm weaning myself off those things that so easily enslave me! I am excited, and this is why I'll be successful this time around.

I know Mothers' Day is Sunday, and there will be foods I'm not supposed to have, but I've already made a plan to overcome those, to eat other things, and I'm bringing several of the things I like to eat that are on plan. I still have several weeks to lose weight, but I think to lose 110 pounds by Sept. 2 (Blessing's 2nd birthday) is unrealistic. I would love to be at or below my goal weight by the time my weeks run out next March. I know it is a big goal, but I have the desire, and now I have the mindset, that I can do it. I will hopefully be able to post on Monday that I have lost the first 10 and am almost under 300 for the first time in months.

Wish me luck!

Officially exhausted

What a week. I have felt better, let me start there. No, I'm not sick. I just realized how overweight I am.

I've always been tall, so I could be a little thicker and not look quite so enormous. For example, I don't look too obese in the photo below, taken from a good angle and with shadows.

But now, I'm tall and w i d e. I've never felt so huge (I've never weighed so much, either!), and even though I felt huge, I didn't think I actually looked that big. Until now.

I mean, come on, if that first photo isn't a poster child for weightloss, I don't know what is. I wasn't helping myself by inflating my already-flabby double chin. This was the first volleyball officiating I've done this year, and my assignor took these. Thankfully, he didn't post them to our association's website or email them out or anything. Look at the calves in that second photo, and the huge back. All 3 of these photos were taken the same night!

I feel so disgusting. I cried when I saw these. They're still hard to look at. Now I know what my husband has to look at every day.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I eat, not the best, but I try to make good decisions some of the time. Most of the time it's just easier to eat something quick instead of making something nutritious. That's where I am right now. The baby is needy, the twins are driving me up the wall half the time, and forget exercise. I can barely stand through a whole volleyball match. I don't know what I'll do when the season starts next month and I have 3 matches (or more in tournaments!) to stand through.

Most days, I just think I'll always be like this, so what? Then I remember my goal to be under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and think, how will I ever be able to get there? I have less than 14 months. I have no idea how much I weigh, since our scale doesn't go over 300.

My dad was 300 lbs as long as I can remember. We always knew he was overweight (he was the largest one in both sides of the family), and he always seemed to be huge when I was growing up. Now I weigh what he did, and I'm not nearly as active as he always was. At least he played basketball and volleyball when he was younger. He stood on his feet every day, 8 hours or more, at work. He was big but he was strong. I have so little muscle tone and strength right now.

It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible way to be, and I wish I could change. I just don't know where to start. I eat because I'm stressed, and I'm always stressed. I'm slowly ticking things off my to-do list, which you would think would help, but I know there's just more and more stuff to add to it when those things are done. I try to bury myself in craft projects, but then nothing else gets done. My children have been getting into trouble a lot lately because I haven't been engaging with them, so they find other ways to entertain themselves. I get mad when they break or damage things, so it causes me even more stress.

I have to get to sleep. I won't have time to get in my nap tomorrow, so I need to get to bed before 2 am. I hope I have something positive to post about next time. Until then, wish me luck.

Clearing my head

Darn Daylight Savings Time, I'm wide awake and my alarm is set for 7 hours from now. I'm not really sure where this will end up, but I just need to get some stuff out of my head.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've done with all of my time. I still want to recap February's Daniel Fast and post about some of our favorite recipes, but that's going to have to wait. 

I've been watching a LOT of TV lately. My husband and I are trying to get through all 10 seasons of Friends, and we're so close to the end that we just have the TV on for hours. My kids watch way too much TV too. They wake up to Bob the Builder every morning (on Netflix), and anytime I'm nursing the baby, it's usually playing. We watch a family movie every Wednesday (in lieu of our Date Night), and when my husband's not home or has gone to bed (I'm up because I take naps nearly every afternoon), I have been binging on New Girl. And crafting tutorials on YouTube. We don't even watch "TV," just Netflix and movies. I don't know what we'll go to once these shows are over. 

I used to listen to music nearly 24 hours a day. I would fall asleep to it, have it on my phone or computer while I studied, wrote, graded papers, cooked, wrote lesson plans, drove in the car, and worked out. I almost never have music on anymore. I don't turn on Pandora first thing when I wake up. I don't even have my huge library of music accessible on my iPad (darn Apple and their glitchy syncopation), and I'm rarely on the computer, where my music is stored. I just don't get joy from it like I used to.

I can't remember the last time I just sat in the quiet and thought. I've realized that I don't like silence. That's why the TV is so often on. When it's quiet is when I miss my Dad the most. I rerun the last days of his life in my head so often, I don't know how I'll ever forget them. The last time I saw him in the hospital, the last time I talked with him on the phone, the way he looked the day he died. That's not the way I want to remember him, but it's been etched in stone in my mind. 

Helping my mom go through their home room by room doesn't help. My dad was a bit of a hoarder, a trait he inherited from his mother, and one that I'm afraid will fall on me more severely in the next several years. Finding things that he spent his hard-earned money on that will never be used, that just take up space in their home and will most likely end up being donated does not conjure up fond memories of him. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even more so for my mom. 

I don't like to think right now. I've put off nearly every conversation or contact that I possibly could in the last 3 months (has it only been that long since we lost him?), and even putting my thoughts down in writing is difficult for me. I guess I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience to make it coherent. I avoid checking my phone, and the only people I make an effort to talk to regularly are my husband, my mom, and my grandparents, who we visit weekly. Everyone else is too much of an effort. 

I don't care to see people either. I am ashamed of my appearance. I lost 10 pounds during our fast in February, and my goal is still to weigh under 200 by Sam's 2nd birthday, but I'm still 100 pounds away. I don't have any clothes that fit well, I rarely find time to shower, and I haven't done anything with my hair except pull it back in a bun for the last 3 years. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup, and even though we had a nice date last week, I still felt like an oversized blob in my elastic-waist skirt and loose blouse. 

I thought I was doing better. I went to see my PCP at the end of January, to discuss my depression, and he stated that as long as I am breastfeeding (which I very much want to do until Sam turns at least one, hopefully two), he did not recommend any medication. He said I could eat better, exercise more, and meditate, and possibly try ginkgo biloba. I need to do all of those things anyway (except the ginkgo biloba), so I said thanks and left. I talked with a friend and she mentioned a post-partum depression medication she had taken after her first child, but she said it took about a month to kick in. I called my OB and asked him about it and he said the same thing. I thought that I would be better off working through it on my own. 

I hate the idea of being on a pill to feel "normal." I already take more medication than I ever wanted to daily for my arthritis, plus vitamins for breastfeeding, allergy medicine,  and an oral contraceptive. I have to take my arthritis medicine to walk without hurting,  I didn't want to have to take a pill to not be "angry momma" all the time too.

I haven't really been eating better. I've pretty much reverted back to my old eating habits, plus several trips to restaurants already this month. I don't know what I weigh, as I plan to only weigh in on Mondays again. I've definitely not gotten more exercise. I think we went for a walk in our neighborhood 2 or 3 weeks ago and that was the last exercise I got. I have been praying more, trying to pray daily for peace, joy, patience, kindness (and the other 5 Fruit of the Spirit), but I haven't been consistent with that. 

What has changed has been my spending habits. We have been generously given some money from family recently and that has eaten away at much of my time and mental energy. I bought tons of crafting supplies (if only I had time to use them all!), toys for my kids, and some large purchases for our house. Unfortunately, none of this has made me feel any better. I spent $150 on new toys for the children today (after meticulously shopping all the retailers I could find), and after I clicked "submit," I didn't feel any better. 

I've not been able to cross many things off my to-do list either. I have been incredibly unproductive (spending most of my time researching the best prices on the fore-mentioned purchases and watching shows), and will do anything to not have to put my thoughts down on paper. I would like to write my children once a week. Sam turned 6 months last week and I wanted to write him a letter of his own. I want to write on all 3 of my blogs regularly. I have emails I haven't responded to in MONTHS, family I really need to talk to. I want to read and journal in my Bible. I even want to write my dad, to get the things I never got to tell him out. It is so hard to find time to get started, let alone make it worth reading. 

I guess all this is to say, even though I may try to put my best foot forward, there is still a mess behind this keyboard. I don't know how long it will take to get better. I don't know for certain that it will. I just keep praying God will cure me and help me find my joy again. I miss being me. This other, sadder, angrier, meaner, fatter, lazier, nastier version is not the person I dreamed I would be. I have the best of intentions, but then I wake up, and something goes wrong, or I don't get enough sleep, or one of the boys cries for a silly reason, or...it doesn't matter. I am still a work-in-progress. 

The one thing I can control is what I do. I can do the basics. Get up, pray, eat well, take care of my personal hygiene, love my children, love my spouse, go to bed on time. If I get anything else done, it's a blessing. So that's what I'll do. Starting first thing tomorrow. Baby steps. Now, I am getting sleepy. Wish me luck. God bless and good night. 

Some new stuff...

Tomorrow is Monday, but we're out of town, so I can't use the same scale that I usually use on Mondays, so I will weigh myself Tuesday morning instead this week. Hopefully I won't have gained more weight (like the 2.5 lbs I did last week).

I am not doing so well with the no junk food either. All in all, I don't think I'm coping with winter, my dad's death, and a newborn that well. Food is my comfort. I've been eating anything I can get my hands on (except fast food, I'm proud to say), and nothing satisfies. I've eaten until I'm completely full and can't eat another bite, but then the boys will do something, or I'll think about something, or something will go wrong, and I'll suddenly need to eat.

The following excerpt is from one of my other blogs, where I wrote about the same topic:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

All this is to say, I need to write to sort out my feelings, and things may not be very lighthearted for a while, so if you decide to keep with me, bear with me. I'm sure I'll be okay (I'll die and be with my dad again someday, after all), but for now, pray for me and my family as we process this hard time. I'll try to update as I can, and write some longer posts here and there. Good luck on your journey and hopefully we'll see each other at the end.

Monday again...

I need to get a nap in while the baby is sleeping, but I wanted to stop in for a quick post.

Life is hectic, and maybe I'll write about it later this week, but in the meantime, could you please pray for my parents? They are both having major health issues and it doesn't look like things will improve for a while.

At least I'm not gaining weight, due to the amount of chocolate chip cookies I've been scarfing for days now. Stress eating is a real thing! I hope to make it back to my pre-baby weight of 278 by my 6 week doctor follow-up. I know 278 doesn't sound that desirable, but at least it's progress...

I'll leave you with this week's photos. Grumpy the dwarf was at our house again this morning, as the baby had just eaten 30 minutes before my hubby had to leave for work. I was so tired...

Week 4 Weight: 288.5 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

Monday check-in

I know I don't technically need to check in every Monday, but it is a nice way to keep myself accountable by doing it this way. I have been doing photos on Monday since I first started Slim4Life (nearly 4 years ago!), so it is a bit of a habit now.

I am pleased with how much I've lost so far after having Samuel. I am almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is still what I weighed when I first started Slim4Life, but at least I know that the pregnancy didn't affect me too poorly. Now I have the task of eating well and exercising to get down to a weight that I do feel good about.

So far, I feel like I've been eating pretty well. I know I have to keep up my energy so I can nurse Sam and be aware for my toddlers. I've been eating far more veggies lately than I did when I was pregnant, and drinking over a gallon of water a day to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hardly ever need to pee, so I know it's going somewhere...

My toddlers are taking this all in stride. I can't say I "chase them around," because, honestly, I'm on my rear most of the time they're playing. I'm usually either eating, watching Thomas, nursing, or sleeping, so I don't have to chase them around the house. I'd like to say it's because I just had major abdominal surgery (c-section), but really it's because I don't lead an active lifestyle. 

I am not one of those people who just has to be up moving all the time, and I don't know what I can do differently to change that. I'd like to take walks with them regularly, but Isaac has had some majorly weird reactions to mosquito bites and I hesitate to even take him outside sometimes. We were out for about 45 minutes today and he came in with 2 bites and Tyson had 1. I know I can use bug spray, but I tried the DEET-free stuff and it didn't work, and I can't stand the feel or the smell of the other stuff. I have to figure out something though, because our backyard is too large to spend all our time indoors.

It's one of those precious moments when all the kiddos are asleep, so I better hang it up as well. Here are some photos from today. I'm glad I've lost what I have so far, because I have to fit into a pair of uniform pants tomorrow, and they just barely fit. I'll definitely have to watch my stress eating that is creeping up on me, or I'll never get down to my goal. 

Please excuse the funky hair. Newborn Mom hair...

Week 2 Post-partum Weight: 286 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

38 and feeling pretty great!

I'm actually a little surprised to have made it this far into pregnancy, after delivering at 36 weeks with the twins (which is great for twins, btw...), and the way my OB talks when I go see him. I have been saying since the beginning that I would love to deliver in September (which would make 40+ to 41 weeks), but ever since passing that 36 week mark, I've been skeptical. Maybe he will just hang out for a while longer...

Meanwhile, I am feeling a little better. The baby's head dropped a bit since my last post, which has given me tremendous relief from the shortness of breath (I still have some, since I'm over 300 pounds) and the acid reflux. I was taking Tums after every single thing I put in my mouth, but that's gotten noticeably better lately, and now I'm down to my normal 1-2 times a day. I think he's using my bladder as a squeeze toy, though, because the urge to go has greatly increased. I wake up about 3 times in the night to go now, instead of just 1, but I've been able to get back to sleep fairly easily, so it doesn't bother me too much. I'm just getting ready for late night feedings too, I suppose.

Speaking of feedings, my colostrum has started production! What a weird thing to talk about. I guess when you're pregnant all shame leaves your senses. I nursed the twins for 2 years almost to the day (we were all ready to call it quits by then), and it took months for me to stop actively making milk. Oh, it wasn't leaking or anything, and it probably wasn't enough to feed a toddler with, but I would check periodically and see, and it was definitely late spring when I finally stopped getting tiny white droplets. Well, I've already started producing again, and the tiny clear-ish droplets are back. 

One of the things I'm most looking forward to with this child is having breastfeeding be incredibly easy, low-stress, and helpful to my weight loss. Of course, I'll still have to eat well to produce enough good nutrients in my milk, but I'm pretty much counting on my body jumping full speed ahead into milk production as soon as he makes his debut, and not stopping until I've got a nice reserve stock built up or we just decide to quit altogether. Having nursed twins for such a long time, I'm fairly certain that I'll overproduce for several weeks, if not months, until my body's conditioned for just one. During that time, I plan to nurse and pump like a maniac so I can get a freezer full of milk, so that my family can have more freedom to go and do, as opposed to being tied to the baby all the time. Not that I didn't love every minute I got to spend with my boys nursing, but I know it put tremendous strain on my marriage because I was afraid to miss a feeding and lower my milk supply. Hopefully this time around, that won't even be a question.

I also look forward to being more active with the baby. The boys nursed every 3-4 hours for months, and in between, they took long naps. They still take a 2-3 hour nap daily, and they sleep through the night like champs! I tandem nursed them all the time (again, because I was afraid to lose supply to do it any other way), which was nearly impossible to do in public, so we spent nearly every moment of the first 6 months in our apartment. 

This was agonizingly lonely and I know that is a huge reason I didn't lose all the baby weight during that time and had to start over with my Slim4Life plan. We rarely took walks (also because it was freezing cold that winter), we almost never went out places, and so I stayed home and honed my baking skills (which, I might add, was a huge positive for our morale). I baked breads, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and cakes, because it was easy to mix the things up and then just shove them in the oven for a time. That's when I discovered my new favorite cookie recipe, which happen to be "lactation" cookies, but they're great for other reasons as well. This didn't help my loneliness or waistline either.

This child, I hope to be able to take him in the carrier (another first for me, since they don't make practical ones for twins), the stroller, and nurse him wherever it's convenient. I know there will be people that look down on that, but after having gone through what I did with my twins, I don't care. It is better for me to be able to be free and active than to worry about some people's uneducated perspective on feeding my child in public. And after having nearly everyone in your family see you tandem nursing twins, you really don't have any self-consciousness about your breasts.

We have zoo passes, and up until this July when it started to get miserably hot, I was taking the boys every week to make the most out of it. They love running around the zoo and riding all the rides. They know exactly where everything is and how to get there. I look forward to taking the baby, possibly even while my hubby is off after his birth. We also enjoy going to the local Renaissance Faire, which is always held around the time the baby is coming, so it'll be nice to be able to pack up and take him there. And, of course, we live in a beautiful treed neighborhood with gentle hills and sidewalks, so I'm really looking forward to getting out and taking walks with the boys, and just playing in our backyard.

Hopefully all this mobility will allow me to keep in a better state of mind after Blessing comes. I never sought professional help for it last time, but looking back, I believe that the loneliness, stress, and other factors caused me to develop post-partum depression. Being stuck in our small two-bedroom apartment with 2 crying little boys day after day with little exposure to the sun and outdoors, and lots of "friends" who were either too busy or too polite to stop in to see us made for a very rough first year. It's gotten better as they've gotten older and more independent, but we're still working deliberately to build new friendships and rekindle the old friendships we had before children. It is still lonely, but at least my kids and I can have a conversation. 

This went a lot deeper than I was planning. I suppose there's just a lot going on in my mind that I need to get out on paper to process, and since I don't have a ton of girlfriends to bounce this stuff off of, this is where it comes out. Thanks for reading this far. 

Here are my latest photos, taken this morning. I don't notice much change since last week, but he does appear to be riding a little lower. 

Week: 38 Weight: 305.5 Total weight gain: 27.5

I hope this post encourages someone, somehow. If nothing else, at least you'll realize you aren't alone in your struggles.

I don't know if I'll make it another week before Blessing comes, but if not, it might be a while before my next post. I'll try to take photos next week anyway, just so I can document the post-baby belly with the baby bump. Wish me luck in having a successful VBAC! I'm terrified of what that entails, but my OB seems confident I'm a great candidate for it. I guess we'll see!

37 weeks and finally looking preggo

It's taken several months, but now that I'm finally nearing the end of this pregnancy, I look pregnant. I'm still huge, and I have trouble reaching my feet to pick up toys after my little people and I loathe dropping things, but I don't feel like a liar when I tell people I'm not just fat, I'm also pregnant.

Here's the most recent photo, taken after a long night of tossing, turning, and my least favorite pregnancy symptom, leg cramps:

Week: 37 Weight: 304.5 Total weight gain: 26.5

At least my hair is growing like crazy. It's also full of body and would probably look good if I took the time to style it, instead of always pulling it back because I sweat just thinking about going upstairs.

I'm now going to the OB weekly, and was glad to see at the last appointment that I'd actually gone down a half pound, instead of reaching my max weight with the twins of 310. Hopefully, I can keep from gaining any more until he comes, because I know it'll just get more uncomfortable over the next few weeks anyway.

As of last Wednesday, I'm not dilated, and his head had not dropped, but the ultrasound showed he is head-down, so it could be any time. I'm still hoping to go to 41 weeks, just with all the craziness of moving this last month, trying to finish unpacking, and still making time for my existing little people. I know I don't have much control over that, but God is good and He does answer prayer.

This past weekend was very productive for us. We got all the random stuff out of the garage and put in its respective areas, even if it's still in boxes. I also enlisted the help of my mother-in-law to come and we cooked up and packed over 3 weeks' worth of yummy freezer/crock pot meals for after the baby comes. Having that out of the way and the garage cleaned out makes me feel much more prepared for our little guy, as well as having washed all of his clothes and accessories last week. I put the mobile up on his crib last night, which made my hubby a little weepy, but he's also under a lot of stress at work right now, so I couldn't blame him.

Hopefully I'll have another week to get things taken care of, hang shelves, curtains, photos, and get the rest of our stuff unpacked before the baby comes. I go back to the OB tomorrow, so I'm not making any plans until that appointment is over. If we get a favorable report, I'm heading with the twins to the pool, so we can have some much-needed bonding time and r&r.

Thanks for reading and I'll keep you posted of any new developments.

Monday Again: New Territory!

Monday afternoon naps did not go as planned yesterday, so I didn't get a chance to post my normal update. I have hit a new low, and I couldn't feel higher!

For the first time in years, I weigh less than 240!!! I honestly can't remember even being on the 230's on my way up in weight; I remember being about 225, and then I was nearly 250 before I knew it. At the time, I was in a financial mess and was about to lose my house, so the stress eating attributed to the rapid weight gain, and I avoided the scale like the plague, on top of all the other things going wrong. It feels great to be here and also to know that I won't be here for long!

We are celebrating some at different restaurants this month (including Cinzetti's!), so I might take 3-4 weeks to lose this 10 pounds, but I am really looking forward to being in the 220's again. I should hopefully be down another pants size by then too! I'm working on firming up my tummy with ab exercises and core strengthening, but I haven't been as consistent as I would like.

The weather is gorgeous out this week (very unseasonable for July in Missouri!), so we will be out enjoying it as much as possible. That might inspire me to do some extra exercising while it is so nice. Have a great week!

Week: 11 Weight: 240 Size: 16 Pounds to Goal: 55 Pounds Lost: 38!!

Stress Eating

This week I have discovered the main secret to my weight gain: stress eating!! We are still waiting on word from my husband's interview a couple of weeks ago, and I found that waiting and not knowing whether to start packing or to get things cleaned for summer is super-stressful!

There were a couple of days that I ate whatever I could get my hands on, even though I had eaten all the items on my plan for the day. I just think of something, like a handful of chocolate chips, or a spoonful of peanut butter, and I can't get my mind off it when I'm under that much stress. This is why we do not have sweets in the house right now, and when I do, I don't open them until I'm ready for them to be gone.

I bought some chocolate melts to make a special dessert for my dad's birthday last week, and as soon as I opened them, they were gone. I still had a week until I needed to make the dessert! So I had to go back to the store and replace the entire bag that I had eaten.

I am a little afraid that when I reach my goal weight, whether that is sooner, based on my average loss, or later, as I had originally planned, that I will not be able to control these urges. I wish that the counseling at Slim4Life addressed this psychological aspect of my current weight problem, instead of just telling me to "eat this, not that." Maybe they do address it, and I just haven't asked the right questions. I'll need to keep this in mind the next time I go in.

Knowing that, I am not too upset about my low weight loss this past week. I plan to do better this week, and we'll hopefully find out (today!) whether we'll be moving or not. I still feel great and love wearing dresses and skirts that I haven't been able to wear for a couple of years!

Week: 9 Weight: 242 Size: 16 Pounds to Goal: 57 Pounds Lost: 36!