Bi-annual checkin

I know, I know; I said I would write the next week last time. What happened? Not a lot. I don't even remember why I got off plan again. The plan hasn't worked for me in over 4 years. That's what happened.

I don't really have anything to post right now, except that I am still at 300+, I still have bad habits, and I want to change. I obviously did not reach my goal of being under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and at this rate, won't be there before his third. I just want to lose something at this point.

Can I be under 300 by the end of the month? I've kept track on the fridge since July, and I think I was down to 301. Now I'm back up to 305.

Today is October 11. If I start today, floss, eat well, and do something physical between now and Halloween, it might become a habit. If I choose to eat better food, to stop eating junk and fast food, I might make it a habit. Maybe I'll write again on November 1 to update you with my progress. One can hope...

6 Months Later...

I don't even know what I last posted about. Usually, when I'm ready to post, I'll read the last couple to assure I'm not being redundant (it doesn't always work). Not tonight. Whatever I've said in the past is past, and I know I haven't kept any promises or reached any goals I set for myself in that time, so it doesn't matter.

What I will say tonight, though, is that I am excited. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm excited about the future and what it may have in store. If you have read any of the past posts of this blog, I'm sure you have come to find out that I'm all about planning, hoping, and praying, but not a lot about doing. I am excited, that for the first time in 4 years, I have a plan, a determination, to change my body, and do something for myself, something about myself. And it doesn't start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of next month, or my half-birthday, or any other time. I've already started!

I may have said this already, but after my Grandpa passed away in October, I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened after Dad died: I ate my feelings away. I used food like a drug to numb the pain, and still do.

I went back to Slim4Life and told them I needed to lose 78 pounds asap, but more importantly, I needed to have accountability so I wouldn't let the stress of losing him consume me. They were more than happy to see me again, after 3 years off, and generously reinstated my weight loss weeks at no charge (a promotion they were holding to get people back). I was gung-ho about it for about a week, and old habits crept in. It was difficult to just jump in cold turkey, when our Wednesday church dinners always derailed me, going to Grandma's every week for lunch was unpredictable, and the twins' birthdays were coming up, when I knew I would be off plan.

It is so hard for me to want to be "good" when I know I have something coming up. I can hear my husband's voice right now, saying, "It's just one choice. Make the next choice a better one," but that is not how my brain works. If it's Monday morning and I know I have spaghetti and meatballs to look forward to at church Wednesday night, I throw the rest of the week out and think, "I'll just start Thursday morning instead." Well, that and my stress eating/late night snacking turned into 8 months of gaining weight, so now I am at my all-time high: 312 pounds!!!!

Precisely how my brain works!!

It is painful, weighing this much. I can't be on my bad ankle for more than a few minutes before I am sore, I can hardly stand to do work, or cook, or do yard work. I have been eating Tums like candy to combat the heartburn at night (to be fair, the tropical ones are quite yummy!), and I even woke up the other night with a mouth full of stomach acid that burned so bad I couldn't stop coughing and had to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch.

I took the older boys to an amusement park a couple of weeks ago, and one of my worst fears occurred: they delayed the ride so I could try several seats, dislodging 3 people, and still wasn't able to get the safety harness to work. I was very embarrassed and was glad it was almost time to leave. I had to buy new clothes this week to feel properly covered for summer. I saw myself in the full-length mirror and stared hard for a moment: I didn't recognize the body before me.

Needless to say I am ready for a change. After the acid reflux the other night, I decided I needed to go back to S4L (I haven't been in over a month, after the last time I was sick of my appearance). This time is different, though. I am still nursing Blessing, so since I've gone back to see them, they keep telling me to just be "on plan." This is harder than it sounds, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. This time, I told them I needed to start over, just like a new person, and it shouldn't matter if I'm breastfeeeding or not. As long as I'm not doing all of their pills and supplements, it can't be any worse than what I'm already putting into my body.

So I went in today, and I am already in the process of the "preparation" phase, where you break your body of the the cycle of dependence on carbohydrates, sugars, and starches. I have literally gone to the pantry thinking to myself, "all I want is some carbs, what kind of carbs can I find?" This is crucial to my success! In the prep phase, you eat unlimited raw green veggies, eggs, and unlimited meat. So I won't be hungry, I am still getting plenty of good food, and I'm weaning myself off those things that so easily enslave me! I am excited, and this is why I'll be successful this time around.

I know Mothers' Day is Sunday, and there will be foods I'm not supposed to have, but I've already made a plan to overcome those, to eat other things, and I'm bringing several of the things I like to eat that are on plan. I still have several weeks to lose weight, but I think to lose 110 pounds by Sept. 2 (Blessing's 2nd birthday) is unrealistic. I would love to be at or below my goal weight by the time my weeks run out next March. I know it is a big goal, but I have the desire, and now I have the mindset, that I can do it. I will hopefully be able to post on Monday that I have lost the first 10 and am almost under 300 for the first time in months.

Wish me luck!

Hello, good-bye

Just wanted to check in after several months of "radio silence." I'm still kicking, still over 300 lbs., but I'm finally trying to do something about it. Very busy with Christmas just around the corner, but I wanted to post tonight for a change.

About 6 weeks ago, I heard a radio commercial for Slim4Life advertising $30 for 30 days. I thought, "If I need anything, it's a jump start to get motivated." So I went in and did the consultation, and the very nice lady gave me some amazing news: they are doing a promotion for past clients who dropped out to reinstate their original program at no extra cost! This was awesome news, as I had over 2 years in weight loss weeks, stabilization, and maintenance that I just threw away when I quit. I have 65 weeks (yikes!!) of weight loss, 6 weeks of stabilization, and over another year of maintenance that I have been working to get rid of this extra chub for good.

It is incredibly late (2 a.m. here), so I don't have time to go into details or catch you up on everything else that's happened (there's been a lot), but today was the anniversary of Dad's death, so I felt in a writing kind of mood. I will try to write again before the end of the year (I have so many Christmas obligations this year!), so until then, merry Christmas and God bless.

Officially exhausted

What a week. I have felt better, let me start there. No, I'm not sick. I just realized how overweight I am.

I've always been tall, so I could be a little thicker and not look quite so enormous. For example, I don't look too obese in the photo below, taken from a good angle and with shadows.

But now, I'm tall and w i d e. I've never felt so huge (I've never weighed so much, either!), and even though I felt huge, I didn't think I actually looked that big. Until now.

I mean, come on, if that first photo isn't a poster child for weightloss, I don't know what is. I wasn't helping myself by inflating my already-flabby double chin. This was the first volleyball officiating I've done this year, and my assignor took these. Thankfully, he didn't post them to our association's website or email them out or anything. Look at the calves in that second photo, and the huge back. All 3 of these photos were taken the same night!

I feel so disgusting. I cried when I saw these. They're still hard to look at. Now I know what my husband has to look at every day.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I eat, not the best, but I try to make good decisions some of the time. Most of the time it's just easier to eat something quick instead of making something nutritious. That's where I am right now. The baby is needy, the twins are driving me up the wall half the time, and forget exercise. I can barely stand through a whole volleyball match. I don't know what I'll do when the season starts next month and I have 3 matches (or more in tournaments!) to stand through.

Most days, I just think I'll always be like this, so what? Then I remember my goal to be under 200 by Blessing's 2nd birthday, and think, how will I ever be able to get there? I have less than 14 months. I have no idea how much I weigh, since our scale doesn't go over 300.

My dad was 300 lbs as long as I can remember. We always knew he was overweight (he was the largest one in both sides of the family), and he always seemed to be huge when I was growing up. Now I weigh what he did, and I'm not nearly as active as he always was. At least he played basketball and volleyball when he was younger. He stood on his feet every day, 8 hours or more, at work. He was big but he was strong. I have so little muscle tone and strength right now.

It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible way to be, and I wish I could change. I just don't know where to start. I eat because I'm stressed, and I'm always stressed. I'm slowly ticking things off my to-do list, which you would think would help, but I know there's just more and more stuff to add to it when those things are done. I try to bury myself in craft projects, but then nothing else gets done. My children have been getting into trouble a lot lately because I haven't been engaging with them, so they find other ways to entertain themselves. I get mad when they break or damage things, so it causes me even more stress.

I have to get to sleep. I won't have time to get in my nap tomorrow, so I need to get to bed before 2 am. I hope I have something positive to post about next time. Until then, wish me luck.

Not so different

I wish I could say that I have consistently (or at least, sporadically) did everything I wanted at the end of my last post. Unfortunately, I've barely been consistent at anything lately, let alone eating well, exercising, going to bed on time, praying daily, or any of the things I know would help my physiological condition.

Today is my half birthday. I know most people don't care for those, but after the last several birthdays, I'm happy to celebrate on the off-season instead. One year, I was out to dinner with some friends and had to leave before the food came with a nasty stomach bug that kept me up all night in the bathroom. After the twins were born, I was sick with what I didn't realize at the time were gall stones and spent the whole day vomiting. The following year, my husband thought he was going blind and spent the whole evening in the E.R. And this past year, my birthday was on Thanksgiving, which I spent out of town at my brother's, instead of at my Dad's side, as he passed away 5 days later. So I've decided to stop celebrating on my actual birthday and just use my half- birthday.

That being said, I use this date as a sort of benchmark for resetting my life. I have set some goals this year that I would like to start making habits, so I have named them "Major Behavioral Life Changes." They are as follows:

wake up when hubby leaves
pray
read Bible
pray with boys
exercise 30 min each day (yoga, walking, walk outside, Zumba)
eat healthy, balanced meals of quality food (no junk!)
drink 6 32 oz bottles of water
brush teeth 2x each day
floss/use waterpik once each day
no naps
follow boys' activity schedule
only 1 hour each day on the computer
pray with hubby
pray at dinner
read Bible with hubby
start cleaning consistently
play music while we eat/play
go to bed at a decent hour

I don't expect to do them all every day for a while, as I know it is hard to build discipline, but I hope to be able to be there in time.

I weighed myself last week and the scale wouldn't register, which means I'm over 300 lbs. I have to change something. I have no clothes that fit. I only wear elastic and even that isn't flattering at all on me. I have a portfolio of dresses that I would love to try, once I lose weight. I found a website called eshakti that sells beautiful dresses in many shapes and styles, and I took screenshots of many of them. It would be a kind of "dream wardrobe," but I would love to be able to wear dresses like those once I get down. Here are a few of my favorite styles:

You get the idea. I hope if I can use my saved up funds over the next year to stock up on patterns and fabric, I might be able to make a whole wardrobe of classy dresses like these. I have to lose weight before I can even think about doing this, though.

So far, today went well. I didn't take a nap, I ate well (until our church dinner tonight, which was the last one of the year), and I prayed with the boys and by myself. I am going to walk all over the local amusement park with the boys tomorrow, so I will get my exercise in there, but I need to start being more consistent about these things. Progress takes time, but I am eager to do these things, so I may get out of this slump I've been feeling for the last 6 months. It has been that long since we lost Dad. It's hard to believe, yet I still remember all the moments leading up to his illness and death so vividly. It happened so quickly. I've got more thoughts on all of that, but I don't want to bum you out too much. This post is somewhat hopeful. Maybe another day...

I'll try to update more than every 3 months to give you an idea how things are going. Until then, happy Memorial Day. I will be remembering the lost loved ones in my life this weekend.

Clearing my head

Darn Daylight Savings Time, I'm wide awake and my alarm is set for 7 hours from now. I'm not really sure where this will end up, but I just need to get some stuff out of my head.

I've been so busy lately, and I don't even know what I've done with all of my time. I still want to recap February's Daniel Fast and post about some of our favorite recipes, but that's going to have to wait. 

I've been watching a LOT of TV lately. My husband and I are trying to get through all 10 seasons of Friends, and we're so close to the end that we just have the TV on for hours. My kids watch way too much TV too. They wake up to Bob the Builder every morning (on Netflix), and anytime I'm nursing the baby, it's usually playing. We watch a family movie every Wednesday (in lieu of our Date Night), and when my husband's not home or has gone to bed (I'm up because I take naps nearly every afternoon), I have been binging on New Girl. And crafting tutorials on YouTube. We don't even watch "TV," just Netflix and movies. I don't know what we'll go to once these shows are over. 

I used to listen to music nearly 24 hours a day. I would fall asleep to it, have it on my phone or computer while I studied, wrote, graded papers, cooked, wrote lesson plans, drove in the car, and worked out. I almost never have music on anymore. I don't turn on Pandora first thing when I wake up. I don't even have my huge library of music accessible on my iPad (darn Apple and their glitchy syncopation), and I'm rarely on the computer, where my music is stored. I just don't get joy from it like I used to.

I can't remember the last time I just sat in the quiet and thought. I've realized that I don't like silence. That's why the TV is so often on. When it's quiet is when I miss my Dad the most. I rerun the last days of his life in my head so often, I don't know how I'll ever forget them. The last time I saw him in the hospital, the last time I talked with him on the phone, the way he looked the day he died. That's not the way I want to remember him, but it's been etched in stone in my mind. 

Helping my mom go through their home room by room doesn't help. My dad was a bit of a hoarder, a trait he inherited from his mother, and one that I'm afraid will fall on me more severely in the next several years. Finding things that he spent his hard-earned money on that will never be used, that just take up space in their home and will most likely end up being donated does not conjure up fond memories of him. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even more so for my mom. 

I don't like to think right now. I've put off nearly every conversation or contact that I possibly could in the last 3 months (has it only been that long since we lost him?), and even putting my thoughts down in writing is difficult for me. I guess I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience to make it coherent. I avoid checking my phone, and the only people I make an effort to talk to regularly are my husband, my mom, and my grandparents, who we visit weekly. Everyone else is too much of an effort. 

I don't care to see people either. I am ashamed of my appearance. I lost 10 pounds during our fast in February, and my goal is still to weigh under 200 by Sam's 2nd birthday, but I'm still 100 pounds away. I don't have any clothes that fit well, I rarely find time to shower, and I haven't done anything with my hair except pull it back in a bun for the last 3 years. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup, and even though we had a nice date last week, I still felt like an oversized blob in my elastic-waist skirt and loose blouse. 

I thought I was doing better. I went to see my PCP at the end of January, to discuss my depression, and he stated that as long as I am breastfeeding (which I very much want to do until Sam turns at least one, hopefully two), he did not recommend any medication. He said I could eat better, exercise more, and meditate, and possibly try ginkgo biloba. I need to do all of those things anyway (except the ginkgo biloba), so I said thanks and left. I talked with a friend and she mentioned a post-partum depression medication she had taken after her first child, but she said it took about a month to kick in. I called my OB and asked him about it and he said the same thing. I thought that I would be better off working through it on my own. 

I hate the idea of being on a pill to feel "normal." I already take more medication than I ever wanted to daily for my arthritis, plus vitamins for breastfeeding, allergy medicine,  and an oral contraceptive. I have to take my arthritis medicine to walk without hurting,  I didn't want to have to take a pill to not be "angry momma" all the time too.

I haven't really been eating better. I've pretty much reverted back to my old eating habits, plus several trips to restaurants already this month. I don't know what I weigh, as I plan to only weigh in on Mondays again. I've definitely not gotten more exercise. I think we went for a walk in our neighborhood 2 or 3 weeks ago and that was the last exercise I got. I have been praying more, trying to pray daily for peace, joy, patience, kindness (and the other 5 Fruit of the Spirit), but I haven't been consistent with that. 

What has changed has been my spending habits. We have been generously given some money from family recently and that has eaten away at much of my time and mental energy. I bought tons of crafting supplies (if only I had time to use them all!), toys for my kids, and some large purchases for our house. Unfortunately, none of this has made me feel any better. I spent $150 on new toys for the children today (after meticulously shopping all the retailers I could find), and after I clicked "submit," I didn't feel any better. 

I've not been able to cross many things off my to-do list either. I have been incredibly unproductive (spending most of my time researching the best prices on the fore-mentioned purchases and watching shows), and will do anything to not have to put my thoughts down on paper. I would like to write my children once a week. Sam turned 6 months last week and I wanted to write him a letter of his own. I want to write on all 3 of my blogs regularly. I have emails I haven't responded to in MONTHS, family I really need to talk to. I want to read and journal in my Bible. I even want to write my dad, to get the things I never got to tell him out. It is so hard to find time to get started, let alone make it worth reading. 

I guess all this is to say, even though I may try to put my best foot forward, there is still a mess behind this keyboard. I don't know how long it will take to get better. I don't know for certain that it will. I just keep praying God will cure me and help me find my joy again. I miss being me. This other, sadder, angrier, meaner, fatter, lazier, nastier version is not the person I dreamed I would be. I have the best of intentions, but then I wake up, and something goes wrong, or I don't get enough sleep, or one of the boys cries for a silly reason, or...it doesn't matter. I am still a work-in-progress. 

The one thing I can control is what I do. I can do the basics. Get up, pray, eat well, take care of my personal hygiene, love my children, love my spouse, go to bed on time. If I get anything else done, it's a blessing. So that's what I'll do. Starting first thing tomorrow. Baby steps. Now, I am getting sleepy. Wish me luck. God bless and good night. 

Scatter-brained

I don't know what to write tonight. I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head right now, about Dad, about my boys, my body, my marriage, my hobbies, my work, chores, and all I know is that I need to write.

I gained 3 pounds in the last week. I know why: the 4 different desserts we've baked in that time--2 batches of cookies, an Eagle Brand milk dessert, and Rice Krispy treats. Not to mention all the candy in our house leftover from Christmas, and the delicious Italian restaurant we visited Sunday evening. I'm not at all surprised.

So far, I'm doing great at 2 of my goals: breastfeeding is still going awesome, with my little chunky man weighing in at 16 pounds at his last appointment. He started sleeping through the night around Thanksgiving (2 1/2 months!), which I attributed to feeding him every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, so he eats 6 times a day. We have fallen into a groove where he eats around 8:30, 11, 2, 5, 7:30-8, and then right after the twins go to sleep at 9:30. He lets me know if we get off schedule! I think breastfeeding is the only thing keeping me under 300. It's certainly not my good eating habits.

I am still fast-food-free for the year, which is helping my waistline and our budget. I don't know how much money I've been spending on Taco Bell and McDonald's over the last few years, but it's been a good amount. My children and I get $25 a month (each) to blow, and generally I've been using that money to buy fast food when we're out and about. My hubby and I have decided that we won't eat out without the other, so this has been great accountability for me, and I get to save some of my "fun money" for other things (like yarn and my bi-monthly pedicures!).

A while back, I told him that I would like to save my fun money (except for my pedicures) to buy a new wardrobe when I get down to my goal weight. He very kindly offered to match whatever I save, so I definitely want to keep doing a good job. I haven't had a closet full of new clothes since before we got married! I used to work for Lane Bryant, so I used my discount to the fullest. I can't wait to buy new panties and bras that fit great, and have some items that aren't 6 years old!

I'm still not doing well on eating better or exercising though. I still eat anything I can get my hands on. I crave sweets almost constantly (hence all the desserts lately--although we did take a couple dozen cookies to the fire station around the corner today), and if I can't find any of those, I overeat whatever I can find. Today I had chips and salsa, and peanut butter toast with homemade jam, when I had beautiful Romaine and carrots in the crisper.

I did a Zumba video with the boys one Friday, a couple of weeks ago, and we went for a walk a couple of times, and shoveled the driveway, but nothing since then, and the walks weren't strenuous. It was really just an excuse to get the little balls of energy out of the house. I would love to start doing that more often, get them out and enjoying the neighborhood, but it's just been so cold lately, and I would have to take the baby too. I could do Zumba, I just forget in the middle of doing everything else every day.

I know most people mark the beginning of a new year as their starting point for goals/resolutions, but what I want to do this year, I wasn't prepared for on January 1. Last year, in January, I started my version of a "Daniel fast," which is basically eating only fruits and veggies. I did well for a week (my goal was 2 weeks, then start Slim4Life eating guidelines again), then started to get really hungry, and found out by the 3rd week that I was pregnant, so I stopped. I was still 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be when I was pregnant again, but it was too late to try to lose a lot of weight. That was when I called my OB to find out what he recommended for pregnant women and the nurse told me to start WeightWatchers.

I digress. What I want to do this year, starting on February 1 (a week away!) is start my Daniel fast again, but since I'm nursing, with some allowances. I can't give up milk, since it helps with lactation, so I will allow myself 2 cups of milk a day. I can do without cheese, so I will stick to that. I will also eat oatmeal (also helps with lactation), beans, eggs, nuts, and peanut butter (I have to get my protein somewhere). I am going meat-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and most importantly, sweet-free. I'm really hoping to go the whole month of February to break my sweet cravings. The other stuff is to help detox my body and get in a healthier state of mind. I need the fruits and vegetables in my regular diet, and so many times I nearly omit them completely.

I'm kind of excited about doing my produce shopping. Since before Sam was born, I've been stocking our pantry with lots of "convenience" items (they're so darn inexpensive when you find a good sale!), and nothing about this fast is really convenient. I'll have salads, probably every day, omelettes, oatmeal instead of cereal (I had oatmeal every day for nearly two years when I was nursing the twins), stir-fry without the meat and rice, fajita veggies, smoothies with frozen berries, and lots of other yummy recipes I'll come up with. I will try a meatless chili, vegetable soups (it is winter, after all), and maybe even my wonderful butternut squash bisque (I'll have to watch the milk content though).

Samuel turns 6 months on March 2nd, after my fast should be over. I'm hoping that by then, I can lose about 18 pounds so I can really start my weight loss (I was 278 both times I started S4L, and when I got pregnant with Samuel). Even if I don't get down that far, I'm sure by not eating my current diet, I'll at least inch away from the 300 mark. I've got to do something.

I guess this post wasn't as disjointed as I thought it would be. I just needed to start writing to figure out what I wanted to write about. I will keep you posted with how the fast is going, and share what I've found are my favorite veggie dishes. Until then, take care and God bless. Thanks for reading!

Some new stuff...

Tomorrow is Monday, but we're out of town, so I can't use the same scale that I usually use on Mondays, so I will weigh myself Tuesday morning instead this week. Hopefully I won't have gained more weight (like the 2.5 lbs I did last week).

I am not doing so well with the no junk food either. All in all, I don't think I'm coping with winter, my dad's death, and a newborn that well. Food is my comfort. I've been eating anything I can get my hands on (except fast food, I'm proud to say), and nothing satisfies. I've eaten until I'm completely full and can't eat another bite, but then the boys will do something, or I'll think about something, or something will go wrong, and I'll suddenly need to eat.

The following excerpt is from one of my other blogs, where I wrote about the same topic:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

All this is to say, I need to write to sort out my feelings, and things may not be very lighthearted for a while, so if you decide to keep with me, bear with me. I'm sure I'll be okay (I'll die and be with my dad again someday, after all), but for now, pray for me and my family as we process this hard time. I'll try to update as I can, and write some longer posts here and there. Good luck on your journey and hopefully we'll see each other at the end.

New Year, New Me

I just posted an entry about my dad, and I won't be able to elaborate until I get some time and a clear head, but I wanted to post about my goals for this coming year as well.

I know most people make "resolutions" this time of year, but I have never kept one resolution in my 34 (eek!) years of life (except to stop drinking pop--that wasn't a New Year's thing though, but it was in January...). I like to make goals instead. Things I can progress toward, instead of hard and fast "rules" for living.

I'll keep it short, but my physical goals for this year are to continue to breastfeed, to walk/exercise 3-4 days a week, and to lose weight. I am still aiming for my goal of 190 by Samuel's 2nd birthday, although I've only gained weight since Dad died. I plan to walk with my children so they can get the energy release they need, and I can get the stamina and tone I desire. I will change my eating habits from chocolate and the junk I've been eating lately to include more vegetables and fruits, and stop eating fast food. I may have to revisit this in another post, as I don't want to get into the psychology of my choices right now, but I will do my best this year to strive toward these goals and accomplish them.

Good luck to you on your resolutions/goals/oaths or whatever you choose to call your lifestyle changes. God bless you in this New Year!

P.S. I am starting at 290 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to be considerably less this time next year, even if I'm not quite at my 190 goal. Baby steps...

Thanksgiving thoughts

You would think a fat person like me would love the holidays because of all the food. There's always an excuse to be eating: family gatherings, candy canes, baking Christmas cookies and candies, and holiday parties. Actually, I rather hate that entire aspect of the holidays.

Since I started being conscious of what I weigh, I have come to dread holidays. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but really, all holidays. I have a large family (on all sides), so every holiday is an occasion to get together for a delicious pot luck meal. Yes, the food is always amazing, the desserts are delicious, and the nachos or candies or other snack foods left out are tempting and wonderful, but the whole idea of buffet-style, out-all-day freedom is sometimes too much for someone who has a hard time with self-control. 

My husband and I have tried putting limits on what we eat. We've tried saying just 1 plate and 1 dessert. But somehow, I have a really hard time staying away from the dessert table and not picking up a cookie or brownie, or a handful of M & M's every time I walk by. 

I am resigned to the fact that I will overeat at these gatherings, and I will gain, or at the very least, not lose any weight during these times. I know some people will think I'm a loser with no will power, or that I'm too dumb to take my own healthy snack or meal, but I've tried these things, and for me, they just take the joy out of the holiday.  

Part of knowing it's Christmas is getting to eat Grandma's peanut butter fudge, or my cousin's authentic Italian pizza. Thanksgiving, it's the stuffing and mashed potatoes.

I'm not willing to give those things up, when I only get to have them this one time of the year. 

I guess I could approach it like I do my finances: sacrifice now so I can enjoy them later, but I'm not prepared to do that right now, so I can't really do much about it today. I will try to only have one helping of all of my favorite things, and add some of the healthier options (if there are any). 

I also realized a day or two ago, as I was looking through our photos for a Christmas project, that when the twins were born, I didn't lose the baby weight until they were 6 months old, when I started Slim4Life again. I am still heavier now than I ever wanted to be, and I know the longer I stay at this weight, the longer it will take to get down. I will still try to lose weight before Sam is 6 months old (he'll be 3 next week!), but I'm no longer worried I'm not making my goals. I was hoping to be 278 by today, my birthday, but I'm still at 292. 

Another reason I dread Thanksgiving is my birthday always falls on or around the holiday. When I was a kid, I knew I would see my family and get to open gifts, but since I outgrew that, it's like no one even remembers. I never got to have birthday parties with my friends around Thanksgiving because they were always busy or out of town. 

This year happens to be one of those years when my birthday is on Thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be grateful for, I have a heavy heart. My Dad, whom I wrote about in this post, is in the hospital with an infection. The cause of the infection is the tumor in his stomach leeching all the fluid that comes in to his belly, and before they can siphon it out is getting infected. They are fighting the infection with antibiotics, but so far have been ineffective. The infection has to go away before they can start chemo back up, which is hopefully to kill or at least stop the tumor from growing. 

It is an awful cycle, and probably won't be resolved at a rate that is helpful to him. That being said, this very well might be my last Thanksgiving with Dad. His health is steadily declining (he's coughing up blood and can't keep anything down, not even water), so I don't even know if he'll get to make it to Christmas. I want to spend every moment I can with him, to try and comfort him, but nothing I say or do can make things better. So I just hold his hand and cry with him. I took the boys over Tuesday, and he read to the older ones and held Samuel most of the time we were there. When we left, he said good-bye like he didn't expect to see us again. 

I hate to be such a downer on Thanksgiving, but this is what's going through my head right now. I feel better putting it down in writing so I don't have to think it over all the time. If you've read to here, thank you for your time. We would appreciate your prayers, for healing and comfort in this horrible time. God bless you and your family this Thanksgiving.

Dad with Samuel, his 4th grandson

Isaac, Tyson, Samuel, and Dad

Monday again...

I need to get a nap in while the baby is sleeping, but I wanted to stop in for a quick post.

Life is hectic, and maybe I'll write about it later this week, but in the meantime, could you please pray for my parents? They are both having major health issues and it doesn't look like things will improve for a while.

At least I'm not gaining weight, due to the amount of chocolate chip cookies I've been scarfing for days now. Stress eating is a real thing! I hope to make it back to my pre-baby weight of 278 by my 6 week doctor follow-up. I know 278 doesn't sound that desirable, but at least it's progress...

I'll leave you with this week's photos. Grumpy the dwarf was at our house again this morning, as the baby had just eaten 30 minutes before my hubby had to leave for work. I was so tired...

Week 4 Weight: 288.5 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

Monday check-in

I know I don't technically need to check in every Monday, but it is a nice way to keep myself accountable by doing it this way. I have been doing photos on Monday since I first started Slim4Life (nearly 4 years ago!), so it is a bit of a habit now.

I am pleased with how much I've lost so far after having Samuel. I am almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is still what I weighed when I first started Slim4Life, but at least I know that the pregnancy didn't affect me too poorly. Now I have the task of eating well and exercising to get down to a weight that I do feel good about.

So far, I feel like I've been eating pretty well. I know I have to keep up my energy so I can nurse Sam and be aware for my toddlers. I've been eating far more veggies lately than I did when I was pregnant, and drinking over a gallon of water a day to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hardly ever need to pee, so I know it's going somewhere...

My toddlers are taking this all in stride. I can't say I "chase them around," because, honestly, I'm on my rear most of the time they're playing. I'm usually either eating, watching Thomas, nursing, or sleeping, so I don't have to chase them around the house. I'd like to say it's because I just had major abdominal surgery (c-section), but really it's because I don't lead an active lifestyle. 

I am not one of those people who just has to be up moving all the time, and I don't know what I can do differently to change that. I'd like to take walks with them regularly, but Isaac has had some majorly weird reactions to mosquito bites and I hesitate to even take him outside sometimes. We were out for about 45 minutes today and he came in with 2 bites and Tyson had 1. I know I can use bug spray, but I tried the DEET-free stuff and it didn't work, and I can't stand the feel or the smell of the other stuff. I have to figure out something though, because our backyard is too large to spend all our time indoors.

It's one of those precious moments when all the kiddos are asleep, so I better hang it up as well. Here are some photos from today. I'm glad I've lost what I have so far, because I have to fit into a pair of uniform pants tomorrow, and they just barely fit. I'll definitely have to watch my stress eating that is creeping up on me, or I'll never get down to my goal. 

Please excuse the funky hair. Newborn Mom hair...

Week 2 Post-partum Weight: 286 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018

A New Me

Part of the whole premise of this blog was to make myself accountable to lose weight and to become essentially "a new me." In my mind, I consider that to include everything physical about me, from weight, to vision, hair, skin, teeth, and general wellness.

I had an eye-opening appointment last week that shed some light on an area that I've been sorely neglecting. We regularly visit the dentist twice a year, as recommended, and every time I go, I always dread the feeling afterward of the soreness of my gums from the hygienist digging in with her tools and then flossing. I always tell myself that I will continue to floss after that appointment, since I've gone through the initial pain of starting, and it will eventually feel better, my teeth will stop bleeding, and I'll be one of those people who never have problems with their teeth. 

My world was shattered this past time. I got a poor report that I am on a slippery path to gum disease if I don't change something about my routine and quickly. I've never been good at flossing regularly. I've always put it on my list of things to add to my daily routine, but I've always avoided it, due to the bleeding, the soreness, and the fact that I have a permanent retainer and I have to use one of those floss threaders every time. It's inconvenient. It's painful. I will never end up as one of those people. Well, I might be one of those people. 

Luckily, she told me that if I floss every day until my next appointment (and beyond, of course), I might improve the shape of my gums, or at least maintain the current status. I have never gotten a bad report from the dentist. Maybe a cavity here or there, and I had braces for 2 years in school, but never a bad report. I've always been told I needed to floss and brush twice a day, but always got by with brushing once in the morning and skipping flossing altogether. Now, for some reason (possibly pregnancy), my gums are receding at an alarming rate and I have to change something. 

So far, I have flossed at least once a day since my appointment, and brushed twice a day nearly every day. And it's not terrible. I have to give myself a little more time to get ready in the morning (not so easy to do with a newborn and the pokey toddlers that need extra attention right now), but I've done it. It might get a little trickier next week when my hubby goes back to work and isn't there to help dress and feed the kiddos, but I plan to continue. This is something I've always known was good to do, yet didn't see the purpose of it for me, who has always had pretty healthy teeth. 

This is just another aspect of my physical transformation over the next couple of years to a healthier me. I'll keep you posted and let you know if I've had any improvement at my next appointment in March.

Making Mini-Me's

It's been nearly 2 years since I've posted here, and not just because I have failed to reach my goals (nearly all of them), but also because raising 2 little humans is work, and taking the time to do something for yourself takes even more work, like getting my head clear by putting my thoughts down on "paper." I guess I'm just in the mood to write, and if anyone wants to read this, more power to them.

These goals I mentioned...getting to my goal weight, running a 5K, fitting in my summer shorts and feeling good about the way I look...unfortunately, that next month was full of family dinners and other reasons to get off plan, and I spent much of it finding excuses to not care about my body. Fortunately, I was able to nurse the boys not only until their 1st birthday, but to 4 days after their 2nd birthday! I should have quit at about 18 months for both my sanity and their freedom, but I was very stubborn and would not let it go until I reached that mark. Of course, I scaled back gradually toward the end, which caused my lack of self-care to escalate my weight even more, but I did make it. And then the weight packed on.

Going into the holiday season, sitting on my haunches for most of the day while my toddlers ran around me, eating fast food in the car more times than I care to admit, and nearly eliminating healthy produce from my diet and instead opting for carb-loaded easy fixes helped me gain back every ounce of weight I was so proud to lose in my last posts. Over the course of that year and a half from my last posts until last Christmas, I gradually put on all the weight, lost tons of muscle, and basically lost all hope of ever losing it again.

And then, right after New Year's, we found out we were pregnant again! My body was not in a condition I would consider prime for making babies, we weren't trying; in fact, it happened over the course of a week and a half last November when I was on antibiotics for emergency oral surgery. Happy birthday to me :-) So now, I am in my 8th month of pregnancy in the miserable Missouri heat and humidity, 30 pounds heavier than I ever hoped to be if I got pregnant again, and looking at another 310 or so top weight. This is what I weighed with the twins the morning I delivered, and I'm not quite there yet (I'm at just over 300), but I still have 7 weeks with this little guy to maintain.

Week: 32 Weight: 299.5 Total weight gain since week 7: 21.5 lbs

I wish I weren't so big. I still don't even look pregnant in some of my outfits and I'm sure there are plenty of people who scoff when I park in the "Expecting and New Mothers" parking space at the grocery store, but I really am having a baby in less than 2 months.

The good news is, once I have this kiddo, I can really get serious about losing weight. I tried Weight Watchers for a very short time when I found out I was pregnant, per the OB's nurse's recommendation. It didn't work. I didn't gain any weight, but I had to eat obscene amounts of junk to get all the points in. I don't understand how that program helps anyone, if all the good stuff is zero points, and you have to eat so much of the carbs and things to use up your points that you don't have any room left to eat the fruits and veggies. I realize that my experience may have been a little skewed, since they don't technically have a "pregnant" diet and I was advised by the nurse to just do the breastfeeding plan. I don't think I'll ever try that particular program again.

The problem with these "plans" is that once you start them, everything goes great. If you stop at any point before you reach the maintenance phase, though, you're doomed to repeat the mistakes of your past. So in order to be successful, you have to have total commitment, which I've been lacking every time.

That is why once this baby comes, I plan to eat well to maintain my milk supply, nurse him as long as possible (up to 2 years, but at least 1 year), and get out and exercise more. I'm not spending another dime on a program that doesn't work for me, that can't help me stay motivated to the end, and is so regimented that I give up the first time I fail. I will lose the weight this time, but I'm giving myself plenty of time to do it. I already know what to eat to lose weight, it is a matter of putting it consistently into practice and making it a lifestyle, not just a thing to do for a time to reach a goal.

I have a goal of being in the 100's by the time my child turns 2, which is doable at about 50 pounds a year while breastfeeding, chasing 2 toddlers, and finally getting to be comfortable outside after he comes this fall. We are moving to a house in 2 weeks, so I can be out in the yard gardening and playing with my boys. I will have room to do Zumba, a workout I really love that is something I know helps me tone my muscles. I will have a beautiful hilly, treed neighborhood to stroll through with my boys in tow. And I can make being active a part of my life, instead of the sedentary one I lead right now.

I am trying to be realistic, yet still have something to work toward. Over a hundred pounds lost in 2 years is nothing to scoff at, and it will be hard at times. But I hope that by pacing myself I will be able to do this. I hope you will join me in changing something about yourself you have struggled with for years.

P.S. Here's a little bonus pic of the boys now, at nearly 2 3/4 years old. I want them to know me as the fun, active mommy who is able to play with them and run with them, not the crabby one who barks orders from her easy chair because she is too lazy or unable to get out of it.

Week 8, Day 52

I can't believe I haven't even been back on Slim4Life's plan, and I've already lost so much weight! Not to brag or anything (it was definitely not this easy last time around), but I'm right on track for their weight loss goals (an average of 4+ pounds per week), let alone my personal conservative goal of 2 pounds per week.

I know that I can do a better job of staying on plan, unlike last week, where I was off-plan 4 out of 7 days, but I also know in the back of my mind that I can cheat because I'm still nursing and burning a ton of calories each day because of it. I'm sure as soon as I stop, I'll be slowing down, which is another reason I want to nurse as long as possible!

I think it would be great to make it to my goal weight (another 60 pounds) before I stop nursing, and then go back to my original S4L plan, which has tighter restrictions. If I keep on the same average loss I've had so far, I should do that in 15 weeks, which would be the beginning of October. My goal is to nurse them until at least 1 year, which would be the end of October, so there's a little wiggle room.

For today, I'll celebrate another small loss and work on setting myself up for a good week!

Week: 8 Weight: 245 Size: 16 Pounds to Goal: 60 Pounds Lost: 33!

Week 6, Day 38

It's time again for a another Monday update! While I didn't do as well this past week as I'd hoped, I'm still on track for my November goal, and I still lost weight.

I had a realization this past week: my body has been at or well above 250 for over 3 years now, which means that my metabolism is probably set at thinking 250 is pretty good. If When I make it to my goal, that will be a completely new level for my body to work at that it hasn't had to deal with for almost 15 years! I should be that much more excited to break through this barrier and keep whittling away at my weight.

I've got a tiny goal of making it to the 240's before summer's official start, June 21st. As of this morning, that's only about 5 more pounds, which should be completely doable. I've got Fathers' Day this weekend, which will probably be a meal off-plan, but the rest of the 2 weeks should be fine. I can also almost fit into all of my summer bottoms that I've set out. I can wear them all, I just don't feel great about how I look in all of them. My body just isn't shaped the way it used to be...

I'll keep you posted!

Week: 6 Weight: 254 Size: 18 Pounds to Goal: 69 Pounds Lost: 24!

Day 17: Monday, Three Weeks In

I know it's not Monday, but yesterday was so busy, I didn't even have time to think about posting.

I am thrilled to reveal that I've already lost 18 pounds! And I'm partway to one of my short-term goals of being able to wear my summer clothes. I had a pair of capris that I bought for our honeymoon 3 years ago, and I am able to wear them again! Yippee!

Week: 3 Weight: 260 Size: 18 Pounds to Goal: 75

Our kitty thinks you need to see how she looks as well...

Day 10: Monday Again

It's another Monday, which means a weight loss update! I look forward to this day of the week, unlike many other people, because I get to see how my hard work and sacrifice is paying off.

Even after having Mothers' Day lunch (mostly) off-plan, I still managed to lose 1 lb since last Thursday, and this week (since Monday), I've lost 5 more pounds! I can tell my stomach fat is getting a little less prevalent, and my jeans fit a little better than they were. I've got a looooong way to go, but I feel like I'm off to a good start.

I told my husband last week some time that the thing that makes staying on Slim4Life's plan this time is that I know what to expect. Last time, I had so many expectations that were not met when I signed up, it made me very resentful and made me feel like I was tricked by not knowing exactly what I was getting into. This time, I already know what foods are allowed, what the portions are, and many of the little tricks that I felt like weren't communicated until after they were causing me to keep the weight on. I know it's hard to stay on the plan, and I've had to change my habits quite a bit from before, but what I was doing before was not working.

I had a wonderful first "real" Mothers' Day (I celebrated while I was pregnant last year) and got to enjoy a couple of treats, like pasta, banana, and ice cream, but now it's back to work! I'm ready to be able to fit into my summer shorts and pants again! 5K training again tomorrow!

Week: 2 Weight: 265 Size: 20 Pounds to Goal: 80

A Fresh Start

I've not been this excited about losing weight in a long time! I had my consultation with Slim4Life today about getting back on the program, and I'm feel so empowered and ready to get back on track!

I was a little nervous about how the diet would restrict what I've been doing to keep my nursing supply up, and also how it would combine with the food we receive through the generous Missouri WIC program, but Kara, as always, was so upbeat and encouraging, I feel confident that I'll be able to meet my goal by my birthday!

I'll be eating the same foods--mostly unprocessed fruits and veggies and lean proteins--but the plan I'm on is a little more lenient with the amount of servings and some of the serving sizes. I'll be skipping the first "induction" phase that is all meat and leafy greens, due to the amount of protein that gets passed through my milk and starting on my new plan this weekend. My hubby's birthday is this week and we're milking the free birthday meals at restaurants for all they're worth!

I'm so excited to kick-start this part of my journey, and to have an actual plan for losing weight. Obviously, what I've been doing thus far has been a total disaster. I'm thrilled to be getting back on the plan and having the weekly accountability and advice of the staff at S4L. I'm a little sad that when I weighed in today, I was the exact weight as the day I signed up for the program, so the 28 pounds I lost and the 4 months I spent on the program last time is almost a wash, but I would have been more miserable and weighed even more at the end of my pregnancy without that effort. I may not have even been able to get pregnant at that weight.

Suffice it to say, I am more ready than ever to lose this weight and keep it off for good, and now I have the tools and support to do it!

A New Me 4/29

It is almost officially a year and a half since I started Slim4Life and this weight loss journey. As of this morning, I am at exactly the same weight as when I started, 270 (according to our home scale). Granted, I've had two beautiful sons (who are 6 months old today!) since I started, and ballooned up to 310 with the pregnancy, but I am just sick of being unhappy with the way I look, being sore and tired all the time, and not being able to fit all the beautiful clothes in my closet.

I am very excited to be going back to S4L on Wednesday to discuss getting back on plan. I can't take any of the supplements while I'm nursing, but hopefully eating better will help me with my goals, and the regular accountability and advice of the counselors should be encouraging. I am basically on the same timeline as when I first started, with getting to my goal by my birthday (actually, I have an additional month). I don't have all the "weight loss weeks" in my plan still. I may have to purchase some to get me to my goal, but it'll be worth it when I get there.

6 months post-partum Weight: 270 Pounds to Goal: 45