Scatter-brained

I don't know what to write tonight. I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head right now, about Dad, about my boys, my body, my marriage, my hobbies, my work, chores, and all I know is that I need to write.

I gained 3 pounds in the last week. I know why: the 4 different desserts we've baked in that time--2 batches of cookies, an Eagle Brand milk dessert, and Rice Krispy treats. Not to mention all the candy in our house leftover from Christmas, and the delicious Italian restaurant we visited Sunday evening. I'm not at all surprised.

So far, I'm doing great at 2 of my goals: breastfeeding is still going awesome, with my little chunky man weighing in at 16 pounds at his last appointment. He started sleeping through the night around Thanksgiving (2 1/2 months!), which I attributed to feeding him every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day, so he eats 6 times a day. We have fallen into a groove where he eats around 8:30, 11, 2, 5, 7:30-8, and then right after the twins go to sleep at 9:30. He lets me know if we get off schedule! I think breastfeeding is the only thing keeping me under 300. It's certainly not my good eating habits.

I am still fast-food-free for the year, which is helping my waistline and our budget. I don't know how much money I've been spending on Taco Bell and McDonald's over the last few years, but it's been a good amount. My children and I get $25 a month (each) to blow, and generally I've been using that money to buy fast food when we're out and about. My hubby and I have decided that we won't eat out without the other, so this has been great accountability for me, and I get to save some of my "fun money" for other things (like yarn and my bi-monthly pedicures!).

A while back, I told him that I would like to save my fun money (except for my pedicures) to buy a new wardrobe when I get down to my goal weight. He very kindly offered to match whatever I save, so I definitely want to keep doing a good job. I haven't had a closet full of new clothes since before we got married! I used to work for Lane Bryant, so I used my discount to the fullest. I can't wait to buy new panties and bras that fit great, and have some items that aren't 6 years old!

I'm still not doing well on eating better or exercising though. I still eat anything I can get my hands on. I crave sweets almost constantly (hence all the desserts lately--although we did take a couple dozen cookies to the fire station around the corner today), and if I can't find any of those, I overeat whatever I can find. Today I had chips and salsa, and peanut butter toast with homemade jam, when I had beautiful Romaine and carrots in the crisper.

I did a Zumba video with the boys one Friday, a couple of weeks ago, and we went for a walk a couple of times, and shoveled the driveway, but nothing since then, and the walks weren't strenuous. It was really just an excuse to get the little balls of energy out of the house. I would love to start doing that more often, get them out and enjoying the neighborhood, but it's just been so cold lately, and I would have to take the baby too. I could do Zumba, I just forget in the middle of doing everything else every day.

I know most people mark the beginning of a new year as their starting point for goals/resolutions, but what I want to do this year, I wasn't prepared for on January 1. Last year, in January, I started my version of a "Daniel fast," which is basically eating only fruits and veggies. I did well for a week (my goal was 2 weeks, then start Slim4Life eating guidelines again), then started to get really hungry, and found out by the 3rd week that I was pregnant, so I stopped. I was still 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be when I was pregnant again, but it was too late to try to lose a lot of weight. That was when I called my OB to find out what he recommended for pregnant women and the nurse told me to start WeightWatchers.

I digress. What I want to do this year, starting on February 1 (a week away!) is start my Daniel fast again, but since I'm nursing, with some allowances. I can't give up milk, since it helps with lactation, so I will allow myself 2 cups of milk a day. I can do without cheese, so I will stick to that. I will also eat oatmeal (also helps with lactation), beans, eggs, nuts, and peanut butter (I have to get my protein somewhere). I am going meat-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and most importantly, sweet-free. I'm really hoping to go the whole month of February to break my sweet cravings. The other stuff is to help detox my body and get in a healthier state of mind. I need the fruits and vegetables in my regular diet, and so many times I nearly omit them completely.

I'm kind of excited about doing my produce shopping. Since before Sam was born, I've been stocking our pantry with lots of "convenience" items (they're so darn inexpensive when you find a good sale!), and nothing about this fast is really convenient. I'll have salads, probably every day, omelettes, oatmeal instead of cereal (I had oatmeal every day for nearly two years when I was nursing the twins), stir-fry without the meat and rice, fajita veggies, smoothies with frozen berries, and lots of other yummy recipes I'll come up with. I will try a meatless chili, vegetable soups (it is winter, after all), and maybe even my wonderful butternut squash bisque (I'll have to watch the milk content though).

Samuel turns 6 months on March 2nd, after my fast should be over. I'm hoping that by then, I can lose about 18 pounds so I can really start my weight loss (I was 278 both times I started S4L, and when I got pregnant with Samuel). Even if I don't get down that far, I'm sure by not eating my current diet, I'll at least inch away from the 300 mark. I've got to do something.

I guess this post wasn't as disjointed as I thought it would be. I just needed to start writing to figure out what I wanted to write about. I will keep you posted with how the fast is going, and share what I've found are my favorite veggie dishes. Until then, take care and God bless. Thanks for reading!

Some new stuff...

Tomorrow is Monday, but we're out of town, so I can't use the same scale that I usually use on Mondays, so I will weigh myself Tuesday morning instead this week. Hopefully I won't have gained more weight (like the 2.5 lbs I did last week).

I am not doing so well with the no junk food either. All in all, I don't think I'm coping with winter, my dad's death, and a newborn that well. Food is my comfort. I've been eating anything I can get my hands on (except fast food, I'm proud to say), and nothing satisfies. I've eaten until I'm completely full and can't eat another bite, but then the boys will do something, or I'll think about something, or something will go wrong, and I'll suddenly need to eat.

The following excerpt is from one of my other blogs, where I wrote about the same topic:

The last couple of months have been so busy, and so empty at the same time. I miss my dad all the time, but I stay so busy during the days with 3 little people and a household to run that the only time I stop to think about him is at night on my pillow, where I usually end up crying myself to sleep. I know that the hurt is supposed to lighten as time goes on, but I think that I'm unable to heal properly because I can't get the words out to explain how I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a state of depression, where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't care to talk to people, and I get angry at the snap of a finger. I've eaten myself into sweat pants and super-stretchy maternity jeans full time, and nothing satisfies my hunger. I love my family, but I just don't want to deal with them sometimes. I have trouble handling the smallest outbursts from my children, and it physically hurts me to just get up and walk.

I know praying for help and casting my cares on God are important things to do, but I don't know if I am just grieving and this will all pass someday, or if I need to seek outside help. My father-in-law is a psychologist, but I don't feel comfortable talking with him about all this. I've mentioned it to my husband and couple of times, but he doesn't seem too concerned.

I'm not at a point where I'm a danger to myself or my boys (except the excessive eating and my declining health), but I hate feeling like this and am not sure if I should just wait it out.

All this is to say, I need to write to sort out my feelings, and things may not be very lighthearted for a while, so if you decide to keep with me, bear with me. I'm sure I'll be okay (I'll die and be with my dad again someday, after all), but for now, pray for me and my family as we process this hard time. I'll try to update as I can, and write some longer posts here and there. Good luck on your journey and hopefully we'll see each other at the end.

New Year, New Me

I just posted an entry about my dad, and I won't be able to elaborate until I get some time and a clear head, but I wanted to post about my goals for this coming year as well.

I know most people make "resolutions" this time of year, but I have never kept one resolution in my 34 (eek!) years of life (except to stop drinking pop--that wasn't a New Year's thing though, but it was in January...). I like to make goals instead. Things I can progress toward, instead of hard and fast "rules" for living.

I'll keep it short, but my physical goals for this year are to continue to breastfeed, to walk/exercise 3-4 days a week, and to lose weight. I am still aiming for my goal of 190 by Samuel's 2nd birthday, although I've only gained weight since Dad died. I plan to walk with my children so they can get the energy release they need, and I can get the stamina and tone I desire. I will change my eating habits from chocolate and the junk I've been eating lately to include more vegetables and fruits, and stop eating fast food. I may have to revisit this in another post, as I don't want to get into the psychology of my choices right now, but I will do my best this year to strive toward these goals and accomplish them.

Good luck to you on your resolutions/goals/oaths or whatever you choose to call your lifestyle changes. God bless you in this New Year!

P.S. I am starting at 290 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to be considerably less this time next year, even if I'm not quite at my 190 goal. Baby steps...

Dad

I can't write about it yet, it's still too fresh (even though it's been a month), but here is a post from one of my other blogs about my dad: http://knitpickerlnp.blogspot.com/2016/12/dad.html

I will write more as I am able, but I am still wrapping my head around everything that happened, and dealing with it in my own way. Usually, that's to write, but if I can't get time to do the topic justice, I just won't do it.

Thanksgiving thoughts

You would think a fat person like me would love the holidays because of all the food. There's always an excuse to be eating: family gatherings, candy canes, baking Christmas cookies and candies, and holiday parties. Actually, I rather hate that entire aspect of the holidays.

Since I started being conscious of what I weigh, I have come to dread holidays. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but really, all holidays. I have a large family (on all sides), so every holiday is an occasion to get together for a delicious pot luck meal. Yes, the food is always amazing, the desserts are delicious, and the nachos or candies or other snack foods left out are tempting and wonderful, but the whole idea of buffet-style, out-all-day freedom is sometimes too much for someone who has a hard time with self-control. 

My husband and I have tried putting limits on what we eat. We've tried saying just 1 plate and 1 dessert. But somehow, I have a really hard time staying away from the dessert table and not picking up a cookie or brownie, or a handful of M & M's every time I walk by. 

I am resigned to the fact that I will overeat at these gatherings, and I will gain, or at the very least, not lose any weight during these times. I know some people will think I'm a loser with no will power, or that I'm too dumb to take my own healthy snack or meal, but I've tried these things, and for me, they just take the joy out of the holiday.  

Part of knowing it's Christmas is getting to eat Grandma's peanut butter fudge, or my cousin's authentic Italian pizza. Thanksgiving, it's the stuffing and mashed potatoes.

I'm not willing to give those things up, when I only get to have them this one time of the year. 

I guess I could approach it like I do my finances: sacrifice now so I can enjoy them later, but I'm not prepared to do that right now, so I can't really do much about it today. I will try to only have one helping of all of my favorite things, and add some of the healthier options (if there are any). 

I also realized a day or two ago, as I was looking through our photos for a Christmas project, that when the twins were born, I didn't lose the baby weight until they were 6 months old, when I started Slim4Life again. I am still heavier now than I ever wanted to be, and I know the longer I stay at this weight, the longer it will take to get down. I will still try to lose weight before Sam is 6 months old (he'll be 3 next week!), but I'm no longer worried I'm not making my goals. I was hoping to be 278 by today, my birthday, but I'm still at 292. 

Another reason I dread Thanksgiving is my birthday always falls on or around the holiday. When I was a kid, I knew I would see my family and get to open gifts, but since I outgrew that, it's like no one even remembers. I never got to have birthday parties with my friends around Thanksgiving because they were always busy or out of town. 

This year happens to be one of those years when my birthday is on Thanksgiving, and while I know I have so much to be grateful for, I have a heavy heart. My Dad, whom I wrote about in this post, is in the hospital with an infection. The cause of the infection is the tumor in his stomach leeching all the fluid that comes in to his belly, and before they can siphon it out is getting infected. They are fighting the infection with antibiotics, but so far have been ineffective. The infection has to go away before they can start chemo back up, which is hopefully to kill or at least stop the tumor from growing. 

It is an awful cycle, and probably won't be resolved at a rate that is helpful to him. That being said, this very well might be my last Thanksgiving with Dad. His health is steadily declining (he's coughing up blood and can't keep anything down, not even water), so I don't even know if he'll get to make it to Christmas. I want to spend every moment I can with him, to try and comfort him, but nothing I say or do can make things better. So I just hold his hand and cry with him. I took the boys over Tuesday, and he read to the older ones and held Samuel most of the time we were there. When we left, he said good-bye like he didn't expect to see us again. 

I hate to be such a downer on Thanksgiving, but this is what's going through my head right now. I feel better putting it down in writing so I don't have to think it over all the time. If you've read to here, thank you for your time. We would appreciate your prayers, for healing and comfort in this horrible time. God bless you and your family this Thanksgiving.

Dad with Samuel, his 4th grandson

Isaac, Tyson, Samuel, and Dad

Time to tell...

I wish it weren't always 10 pm when I have time to myself to collect my thoughts and write. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only time I have to get anything done that isn't laundry, dishes, nursing the baby, taking a shower, bathing the twins, or breaking up arguments between them. By the time I get to this point in the day, it's always a battle over the things I know I should do (spending time with my hubby, reading and praying, sleeping) and the things I want to do, like putting my thoughts down in print.

I have a little time tonight, so I thought I would share what's been going on that is consuming most of my mental and emotional energy right now.

My dad has always been a big guy. Not just tall (he's 6' 2" or so), but large. He's always been over 200, and in the past 10 years since his parents died, his brother died suddenly, and he had two major injuries that kept him from working for months at a time, he has put on many more pounds. He got up to just under 500 last summer and injured his back from carrying all that weight around.

Last October, after he had lost about 15 pounds preparing for his surgery

We prayed, prayed, and prayed some more that he would seek help for his weight problem, because they refused to do anything to help his back due to how heavy he was. He couldn't stand to be on his feet, which is what his job requires him to do every day for 8 hours, so as soon as he got home he would plant himself on the couch and only get up to go to the bathroom and bed. He couldn't play with his grandchildren because he hurt so badly.

I had mentioned to my mom several times about bariatric surgery because I knew at least 4 people who had undergone the procedure and had amazing results. Finally, my husband and I got up the courage to talk to Dad about it, and even brought over some brochures to share with him from one of my friends. He was thinking about it, as a last resort, and decided to look into it.

Praise God, in February (the day after our first ultrasound for Samuel), he had gastric bypass surgery and everything seemed to go great. He lost over 200 pounds between last summer when he went to the informational meeting and started making changes and when we moved in July. Then he started having trouble keeping food down.

He had a minor procedure done to stretch his muscles, which is somewhat common after bariatric surgery, but after the 2nd time having it done, he was still having the same problems. It got so bad that he would vomit even after having just water to drink. This went on far too long (nearly a month) and he was becoming dehydrated, so he finally admitted himself to the ER at the beginning of October. After a week of being on IV fluids and running a few tests, they started looking for other causes of his vomiting and found his white blood cell count was high.

We learned a few days later that he has stage 4 stomach cancer, which is apparently treatable but not curable or operable. He started chemo yesterday and is going every 2 weeks for 6 months to fight it.

This has been heartbreaking, especially after all that he's gone through to live healthier. He looked so good this summer, better than I can remember him looking since I was little. He had energy, he walked with his head held high for the first time in many years, not shrinking back because of his weight. He played with his 3 grandsons and most importantly, was not in pain. After the month of failed attempts at rectifying the issues, now he looks almost eerily thin, his muscles are weak and deteriorating and his skin just hangs off him.

One year later, just after learning about his cancer

My mom is barely hanging on. She is so strong, because she has to be, but I know it's killing her inside to see him go through this. She is a Christian, so she has her faith to help her through, but we are still not sure whether Dad is truly saved or not. We have presented the Gospel to him many times, have prayed with him and for him to know and have an eternal relationship with the One True God, but we have never gotten reassurance that he is in fact saved.

If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for my family. For my dad, for complete healing and for his spirit not to be broken, and for his salvation; for my mom, that she has the energy to keep encouraging him and to help him get through this. Thank you so much and God bless.

Monday again...

I need to get a nap in while the baby is sleeping, but I wanted to stop in for a quick post.

Life is hectic, and maybe I'll write about it later this week, but in the meantime, could you please pray for my parents? They are both having major health issues and it doesn't look like things will improve for a while.

At least I'm not gaining weight, due to the amount of chocolate chip cookies I've been scarfing for days now. Stress eating is a real thing! I hope to make it back to my pre-baby weight of 278 by my 6 week doctor follow-up. I know 278 doesn't sound that desirable, but at least it's progress...

I'll leave you with this week's photos. Grumpy the dwarf was at our house again this morning, as the baby had just eaten 30 minutes before my hubby had to leave for work. I was so tired...

Week 4 Weight: 288.5 Goal: <200 by 9/2/2018