Day 56: A third of the way through...

Day 56: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 1 fruit, 1 starch, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 8:30 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 1 lipocell, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) apple
Snack: 10:30 pm--S4L wild berry drink
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (1 lipocell, 1 carb blocker) fajita chicken, sauteed peppers, onions, 1 tortilla
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L butter pecan bar
Dinner: 7:30 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 1 lipocell) boiled chicken, steamed broccoli with butter, S4L laxative tea
Dessert: 8:30 pm--frozen mango, pineapple, strawberries with 4 oz milk and Splenda, mixed in blender
Water: 80 oz water

And a third of the way through!! I'm two months in to my 6 month weight loss program, and I'm down a third of my weight!!! This has been an ecstatic day for me. I was a little worried that I hadn't had a BM all weekend (I have to keep track of this now...) and that would cause me to not reach my goal by today, but the apple for breakfast this morning helped. I went in about the same time that I went last Thursday to weigh, when we set the goal, and today I had lost 6 pounds since then!! 

I'm at my lowest weight that I can remember since spring, and I feel great! I told Stan at S4L that I was hoping to reach my goal for the week, then I could relax until after the holidays and really hit it hard in January, but I'm too excited right now to think about going off plan. I want to keep going. This is the absolute worst time for me to stop: when I have so much inertia and am excited to keep going. I'm trying to figure out how to get through Christmas and all the fun gatherings we have planned and not ruin my hard work, but I also know that if I do stop losing it's just for a short time. As long as I don't go back up to 260, I'll be thrilled. As the following quote states, I never want it back:

I don't really have much else to say tonight, except that it feels SO good to know that I've made it to my first big milestone. I just have to take it one day, nay, one meal, one choice at a time. In order to reach any goal, you must take the first step, as I mentioned yesterday. Make the decision, and take action. I'm taking action.

Day: 56 Weight: 257!! Size: 16 Pounds to Goal: 42 Inches Lost: 10 1/2

They are getting closer to even!!

Day 55: The longer you wait, the longer you wait...

Day 55: Plateau Breaker

Breakfast: 7:00 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 1 lipocell, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) 2 eggs
Snack: 11:30 pm--S4L wild berry drink
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (1 lipocell) 2 c romaine, 6 oz chicken, LOTS of Morton Lite Salt
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L butter pecan bar, orange
Dinner: 7:30 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 1 lipocell) 2 c romaine, 4 oz beef, LOTS of Morton Lite Salt, ketchup, mustard, light MW
Water: 100 oz water

Wow. I know it's been a looong time since I posted, but I had no idea it had been over a month. I'm sorry :-( I know many of you have asked about how things are going, and some of you need this encouragement (whatever small amount I can offer you), and I really wanted to post, but not badly enough to sit down and do it.

Just like I mentioned above, the longer you wait, the longer you wait. I've found this with my blog; I've also found it with eating on plan, with exercising, with my business--basically, with anything. I'll admit it: I've had several days over the last few weeks where I ate lots of things that weren't on plan. I've been off plan more days in the last month more than I've eaten on plan. I've eaten some really bad (for you, but they tasted so good!) things. My weight loss has showed it too. (In my defense, my birthday is the same week as Thanksgiving, so we took several days off there. I came back having lost 2 pounds though!!) I haven't lost nearly as much as I should have at the rate I was losing before Thanksgiving. I also had a REALLY hard time getting back on track.

I've found it takes a huge amount of ambition and motivation to do something after you've placated yourself and let bad habits form and take hold for any amount of time. Let alone a month. If I had decided that the day after my birthday I was going to be at my lowest weight (which I actually was--3 days later), and stayed on track after that, I would have written about all the delicious things I ate over Thanksgiving and been proud to tell you that I am still doing well. Instead, I hit that low, decided I didn't need to stay on plan to lose the weight, gained several pounds back, and haven't had a day fully on plan since then. I also avoided going in to S4L, ashamed of my failure to stay on plan. I'm not really sure what made me decide to go back; I just went in this week, talked to one of the girls I've connected most with, and amazingly, after eating fast food for days on end over the last month, I had only gained 2 pounds since that low point. I was encouraged (this time to eat well, not to eat whatever--that's how I got in this situation) and we decided that the best thing for my motivation would be to see some real progress. 

Kara and I discussed how I felt stuck between 260 and 265 and I was yo-yoing from one to the other (well, technically 261...). I told her if I could just break out of the 260's that I would feel like I was getting somewhere.
Bring in the Plateau Breaker. It hasn't been the most pleasant 2 days (I've had to eat ONLY the things listed, for the same meals each day), but I weighed myself at home this morning and believe I could very well make it to my goal. I really want to be 259 or less when I go weigh in tomorrow. I think from there, I will feel like I've lost more and am on pace for reaching my final goal in a timely fashion. I'll let you know tomorrow whether I made it :-)

Back to waiting: If you want to do something in your life, start NOW. The longer you wait for the perfect time, the perfect job, the perfect weather, the perfect person, the perfect financial situation, the window of opportunity will close. You want to start exercising? Stretch and do some pushups today before you go to bed. You want to go on a trip? Start saving all your extra cash or get another job. You want a better marriage/family life? Turn off the phones and TV and spend time with them. You want to read the Bible and pray more? God's waiting. Open your Bible. 

The longer you wait to get started on something, the further you get from the reason you wanted to do it in the first place. If you distance yourself from your dreams, desires, from those ideas of the lifestyle you want to lead by waiting, you'll fill yourself up with excuses and talk yourself out of how much you truly desired it in the first place. One of my new favorite slogans from Pinterest inspired me and I'd like to share it with you:

One year from now, imagine all that could happen in your life. You could have read the Bible cover to cover. You could have a child. You could train for a marathon. You could fall in love and get married. You could do any number of things. Or you could keep putting off your dreams for "tomorrow," "Monday morning (which ironically is tomorrow)," "a better ________________ situation." I'm so pumped up about all the things I want to change and explore, that I doubt if I'll be able to sleep for several hours tonight!

On that note, I should go spend time with my hubby, read our Bible, pray for guidance and direction for our lives, and God's blessing on our families until we can be with them again. Go. Do. Now.

Day 23: Lemon, Lime, Honey, Whites and Fat

Day 23: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 1 fruit, 1 starch, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 10:00 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 1 lipocell, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) apple
Snack: 11:30 pm--S4L wild berry drink
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (1 lipocell, 1 carb blocker) romaine, cucumber, ff ranch, marinated turkey
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate mint bar
Dinner: 7:30 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 1 lipocell) ground turkey sautéed with green onions and rice, stuffed in a green pepper with light MW and ketchup
Water: 100 oz water with lemon juice

The title of this post is indicative of my evening last night. If it sounds gross, it is.

I hate to get to the end of the day (and my food allotment) and realize that I have not had my fat. This happened to me yesterday, and I was against eating a full tablespoon of Miracle Whip (my childhood me was incredulous--it's MW Light this time though) or a tablespoon of non-butter. Egg whites do not count against me, so I chose to make a few tablespoons of eggs in a skillet with a portion of Fleishman's as the non-stick coating. Well, I wish I had taken photos (not that I want to remember but so that you can see what I put myself through) of the egg finally cooking in its marinade of fat, because you would not believe how unappetizing that was. I don't do runny eggs. They make me gag. So waiting almost 3 times as long for egg whites to cook yesterday was nearly excruciating, especially when it was so fluffy and runny that I couldn't tell if they were cooked or not. I finally decided to brave it and flip the egg, and thankfully, did not splash fat all over my front as I did it. I ended up eating the concoction, and it reminded me very vividly of the eggs on an egg mcmuffin--cause for me to never eat one of those again...

The lemon in the title is my punishment for eating something delicious on Monday. I must use the lemon as a diuretic for another day to hopefully lose all the water weight from the extra sodium I had at Houston's. I don't mind lemon; in fact, I usually ask for lemon with my water at restaurants. What I don't care for is the concentration of it in the water I drink. Every gulp is bitter and when I take my vitamins with it, it gives me chills.

I have also started (unbeknownst to S4L--shhh, don't tell!) a remedy for my scratchy throat and painful cough that I learned from my Costa Rican friend at work. I take a couple of tablespoons of honey and squeeze a lime over it (I use half a lime--that's plenty of juice), stick it in the microwave for 45 seconds, and drink it. It has helped a tremendous amount, especially in the evenings, when my cough would be the worst. I haven't told them because I think they would tell me not to eat honey, but it's a natural sweetener, it's soothing, and I'm not going to drink lemon water because I had 2 tablespoons of it. If that is my detriment, so be it!

Other than that, things are going quite well. I gained another couple of pounds after our fantastic meal on Monday, but I went in today and already lost 2 of them. I figure that 3 weeks in and 1/4 of the way to goal is a fairly good pace and I don't need to be so worried. We (I should say, "my hubby"--he's been off all week and is therefore doing the cooking) are trying new recipes and the shredded chicken that he made for taco salad last night was quite delicious. The stuffed peppers tonight were a little trying (boiled green peppers are a little soggy), but the flavor was great. He's getting the hang of how to cook healthy, which was a huge motivation for this, and I'm finding things I enjoy.

Three weeks later and still going strong. I think I can do this.

Day 21: 3 Week Photos--Finally, A Noticeable Difference!

Day 21: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 1:00 pm--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 metabolizers, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews)
Snack: 1:30 pm--S4L wild berry drink
Lunch: 1:45 pm--supplements (2 metabolizers, 2 carb blockers) Houston’s Ding Crispy Chicken sandwich (lightly breaded chicken, kale, cheese, tomato, mayo sauce on a sesame seed bun), a few of my hubby's shoestring fries, barley salad (barley grains, mint, tomato, almonds)—mostly not on plan
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate mint bar, 1 apple
Dinner: 7:30 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 2 metabolizers) ground turkey chili with tomatoes and green peppers, rest of sandwich from lunch
Water: 80 oz

Never fear, I have not given up! I have merely been preoccupied with other things, and have not made writing a priority. Sorry for leaving you hanging for so long. I am doing wonderfully (in my own estimation) on the program and am starting to enjoy life once again. There were a few days in there that were not so, but thankfully, through the support and reassurance of my wonderful husband, I have made it through this time. I know there will be other days, but for now, I feel very good about where I am and what I am doing.

While our internet was on the fritz, I was still sticking to my diet and meal plan. The conversation I had with my husband a couple of weeks ago was about the fact that I felt as though I was completely alone on this journey. Not because of the lack of support and encouragement from him or from any of my readers, but because I felt as though I was the only one making changes and that in order for us to someday have a healthy child (one of my main goals and motivation through this whole process), we both needed to make changes for the better. I wrote him a letter explaining my frustration and my feelings (since I seem to have an easier time expressing myself this way) that he read and we were able to come to a much-needed resolution. We are both eating (basically) the same meals instead of me eating what I'm supposed to and him eating whatever he likes, we are planning our weekly menu around the healthy meals that we both decide on, and we are shopping together for only the things that are on the plan. He can eat as much or as little as he likes of things, but he is eating (except for what is left from before we started) what I eat. This has been immensely helpful in keeping my morale up (I don't feel alienated and alone anymore), I feel better that we're both making healthy choices, and it's something else we get to do together.

Another turning point I had in the last week was when we had the whole menu planned, everything was purchased and ready, and my family spontaneously invited us out for an evening of fellowship and pizza before the company had to leave town. I love my family. They mean the world to me and I do whatever I can to see them and spend time with them. When I got the message that they were getting together for dinner, my heart sunk, because I knew that pizza was something that 1) is definitely not on the plan and 2) is something I have little control over being able to stop myself from. I knew that if I had a slice, it could very well turn in to 4, I would feel guilty (which would make me more reluctant to eat well again), and I would be (in my mind) ostracized at my next appointment at S4L. I didn't want to face any of these things, yet I couldn't bear the thought of turning down my family for the 2nd time that week (I had to work the other time) and missing the opportunity to say goodbye to my aunt. So I went. And I think that my attitude toward the whole situation was one of self-pity and remorse. I was so bummed that I couldn't partake in the food (which is always a huge part of family gatherings) and saddened that I didn't eat with my family that I felt guilty and possibly ruined the whole night for myself (and my hubby) anyway. I didn't leave thinking what a great time I had; I left feeling like I ruined the experience for my family (by refusing to eat) and feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't get to enjoy the time with my family.

That night, I was lying in bed and I told my husband what had been going through my head. I told him that I didn't want to think twice about seeing family based on food decisions. I didn't want to always have to worry about what I ate and what the S4L people would tell me (how can someone drink too much water?!). I wanted to be able to enjoy cake for my birthday in a few weeks and go out to one of the restaurants that offers free meals (we ate out every day for his birthday this year!). I just felt trapped. He was so gracious in saying that what he has learned already about shopping and cooking healthy meals was totally worth what we've spent (plus all the supplements and pills we purchased) and that if I didn't want to set foot in the S4L clinic again, I didn't have to. We have a decent scale at home that I can use to track my weight loss, we know what to purchase and how to prepare things, and I have supplements to last me the next 5 months, so if I felt as though they would beat me down for not losing weight (which I have not experienced to date, except for the too much water comment), I did not have to return. As soon as he said this, I felt a huge weight lifted off me. I felt as though there was not the pressure to lose (not that I felt any from him anyway, but from myself and from S4L) so quickly, and that even though I still want to become healthier and lose weight, I didn't have to do it in such a short time.

This has been a huge shift in my thinking. I am still on plan and I still go weigh in, but I am doing it now because I want to, and not because I have to. I am enjoying cooking meals with my husband and planning and shopping, instead of dreading what we will have to do. I don't feel guilty for eating a little something here or there that is off plan, because, amazingly, I'm still losing weight doing it! I'm probably not losing as fast as they think I should be, but to me it's more important to enjoy the process than to see it as something I must endure so I can enjoy life. I had tortilla chips and salsa at one of my favorite restaurants the other night, and I didn't feel guilty. I will probably gain some from what I ate today (it was totally worth it!), but I know I don't eat those kinds of things all the time and I will continue to stay on plan and lose weight. I know I won't be able to stay exactly on plan over the holidays and my birthday coming up (we're planning a trip to Zio's--bread and pasta!!), but I won't let it ruin the occasion to see my family. I see my counselors more as coaches than police, which makes it much easier to go in and feel comfortable. I know that whatever the scale says, I am making the right choice for me, not based on what they think I should be doing. It has been so freeing.

In related news, I am one-fourth of the way to my goal weight, I feel better, and I was able to wear some of the things I haven't worn in months today! I am wearing a smaller bra and my size 16 pants (although, after such a huge lunch, I was wishing they stretched a little more!) that I hadn't worn since last winter. Today, I ate until I was full (which didn't take long) and I stopped. I was able to make a smart choice about how much was good for me, instead of eating because I thought I deserved it (will have to explain this some other time). It was such a good feeling. I hope to continue to post regularly, although every day may be a little unrealistic. Thank you for your support and comments. I value each of them deeply. I hope that over the last few weeks you have taken a look at what you can do to become healthier, have a better relationship, or some other challenging aspect of your life. Any sort of change is hard. But self-improvement is definitely worth it. I'm not perfect, but by the grace of God, I am working toward it every day. Thanks for reading. 

Day: 21 Weight: 262 Size: 16-18 Pounds to Goal: 47

Visual for me to track weight loss. I love moving the stones from left to right!

Day 10: Back to Basics

Something from the archives that was unable to be posted:

Well, this has been a very frustrating and disappointing week so far. Sorry I didn't post yesterday. My wonderful hubby planned a spectacular and much-needed special date night for us, cooked me an amazing meal, all on plan (leftovers for lunch today!), and I felt bad thinking about cutting our evening short with a lengthy post. Suffice it to say, yesterday was a disappointing visit to S4L. I gained 2.2 pounds since Saturday, and I had done everything to a T they told me.

Day 9: Trick or Treat, Short and Sweet

Day 9: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 8:00 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 water-shedding pills, 2 metabolizers, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) 10 green grapes
Snack: 10:30 am--S4L (cold) hot chocolate, 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (2 water-shedding pills, 2 metabolizers, 1 carb blocker) leftover chicken basted with MW and cracker crumbs, romaine and celery salad with ff ranch
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate peanut butter bar, 1/4 c raspberries
Dinner: 6:00 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 2 water-shedding pills, 2 metabolizers, 1 carb blocker) Chipotle salad bowl with romaine, chicken, pico, guacamole (not on plan)
Snack: 2 cookies, 6 Wheat Thin crackers, cream cheese and onion dip (none of which is on plan), 4 oz milk
Water: 120 oz

Day 7: It's been one week since you looked at me...

Oh, wait, that's not the right line...

Day 7: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 8:00 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 water-shedding pills, 2 metabolizers, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) 10 green grapes
Snack: 10:30 am--S4L (cold) hot chocolate, 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (1 water-shedding pill, 2 metabolizers, 1 carb blocker) 1/2 c brown rice, last of the chicken leftovers, 1/2 c steamed broccoli, 1 tbs. light MW, a little lemon juice
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate peanut butter bar, 1/4 c raspberries
Dinner: 6:00 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 1 water-shedding pill, 1 metabolizer, 1 carb blocker) 1 c mixed greens salad with ff ranch, 1 stalk celery, 1 kavli sheet
Snack: 4 oz milk
Water: 160 oz

I've made it a whole week! It seems like it's been forever too. I've done really good at staying on plan and not making foolish decisions, but for some reason I just don't feel like I've lost enough. When I started on LAW (see Thursday), I remember losing 10 or more pounds. Weighing in today was a little more disappointing, especially since I have stuck to the plan so well. Here are today's pics and stats:

Day: 7 Weight: 270 Size: 18 ish Pounds to Goal: 55

I put each picture up next to its mate from last week, and I really can't tell a difference. That was a little disappointing to me as well, but I know in a few weeks, I'll be able to see results. My jeans did fit a little more comfortably today...

I also caught myself mindlessly reaching for a dessert tonight at my business meeting, then immediately thought about what I was doing and took my hand back. That was eye-opening for me. I realized that is a major contributor to my current physical state. So many times I eat while driving, sitting at the computer (not tonight, thankfully), watching a movie, or working on something and I don't even realize it until I see all the Starburst wrappers on my desk what I've actually done. Or I'll just grab something sitting out every time I walk by. This is especially hazardous at my family gatherings, because food is just there. We don't talk about the food, we don't have specific meal times, we don't keep track of how much or how little we eat, we just feed. I'll really have to limit myself at the holiday gatherings and trips out of town.

I think it really says something about our society that we can just claim possessions by reaching out and eating them. We have food readily available at all times. We have things "individually" wrapped so that we can easily eat without preparing meals. I know for myself, I hate cooking when I'm hungry, because all I do is snack until the meal is actually ready. By that time, I'm mostly full of the junk I ate while waiting, and the good food that I've prepared is wasted (not that I throw it away or anything; just the time and effort is a wash). Carefully planned and prepared meals are so much better for you, though. On my plan, the only things I can eat that are not made from scratch are the starches (crackers, tortillas, bread, etc.). And the fats too, I suppose. Everything else must be prepared, either by cooking, or chopping, or washing. Our society is in such a consumerism mode, an "I want it all and I want it now" (the Queen song just popped in my head--sorry!) mindset, that people (myself included) don't want to take the time to do something the right way, the most beneficial way. We want it in a super-sized in a wrapper so our hands don't get dirty, with no heating, cleaning, or hassle.

My hubby just reminded me it is almost tomorrow (a special date night that he is preparing!), so I need to wrap it up. Still planning to share thoughts from our conversation last night and more info from today soon.

Day 6: Finally getting the hang of it

Day 6: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 9:45 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 water-shedding pills, 2 metabolizers, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) 10 green grapes
Snack: 11:00 am--S4L (cold) hot chocolate, 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: 12:15 pm--supplements (2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer, 1 carb blocker) 1 slice Sara Lee 45 cal bread, ff ranch (in transit from church to party--no time to eat)
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate peanut butter bar, 1 hard-boiled egg
Dinner: 8:00 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 1 water-shedding pill, 1 metabolizer) salted steamed broccoli, 1/4 cup brown rice, turkey breast, 1 tbs. light Miracle Whip, 1 c mixed greens with ff ranch, 4 oz milk
Water: 120 oz

As I told my husband this evening, I feel like I'm on autopilot now. I know what I can eat, I'm getting a good idea about portions (4 oz milk is 4 gulps straight out of the jug...), and I know when to eat and take my supplements. We had a very long conversation about some things that have been on my mind this week, and I am pretty spent from that. We both have some things to work on and change over the next few months, but we needed an action plan, and much of tonight's conversation was formulating what that would look like and how we could be more united in this whole endeavor. I'm too tired to post on it this evening, but hopefully I'll get to it some time this week. Week 1 pics tomorrow, along with a weight lost update. Thanks for tuning in.

Day 5: Tempted for the First Time

Day 5: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: 8 am--supplements (1 vitamin, 2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) 1 fried egg
Snack: 10:30 am--S4L (cold) hot chocolate, 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: 1:15 pm--supplements (2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer, 1 carb blocker) 1/4 cup brown rice, 1 c romaine, 1 celery stalk, fat free ranch, green grapes, 2 crackers with cream cheese dip (not on plan)
Snack: 3:30 pm--S4L chocolate peanut butter bar
Dinner: 11:00 pm--supplements (9 fish oil, 2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer) salted steamed broccoli, 1/4 cup brown rice, boiled seasoned chicken leftovers, 1 tbs. light Miracle Whip, 1 c mixed greens with ff ranch
Snack: 2:15 am--4 oz milk
Water: 100 oz?


I think I have figured out how to get the jittery out and timing my vitamins. I still did the pills at breakfast, but I waited until after my snack for my energy drink. I don't think it had an adverse effect on my sleeping, since I came home from my lia sophia party this afternoon and took a 4 hour nap (which is why I'm awake now). I seriously considered staying in bed when I woke at 8, skipping dinner, and just eating a little more for energy at breakfast tomorrow. I wish I had gotten up and eaten, instead of waiting 3 hours to do so. As it is, I still missed my 2nd fruit, which they asked to not be eaten 4 hours before you go to bed.


Today was the first time I've eaten anything off plan since I started Tuesday. I felt a little guilty at first, then realized that 2 crackers are not going to ruin me. However, wanting to finish off the whole sleeve instead of eating my dinner portions might have had a more adverse effect. I am actually quite proud of myself. I had the crackers and the dip in hand, getting ready to come type this up, and I thought to myself, "This is why you started this in the first place. This is not worth reversing all your hard work all day," and put them up. Lindsey: 1, food: 0.


This is why I really have to watch what comes in the house (or the car, or the office, or my classroom, or at parties...). I will find just about anything to snack on, whether it's a jar of peanut butter, tortillas and ranch, bread and ranch, cereal bars--you name it, and it's fair game. If we only have fresh fruits and veggies, and limit the starches to ones on the plan, I will have a much easier time of not being tempted to eat just anything. Unfortunately, we have some items in the pantry that we had already purchased that I will either have to watch him eat, or will have to keep until I'm in Stabilization. For my peace of mind, I would rather they just went away and saved me the temptation.


Tomorrow is going to be here before I know it (actually, it came about 2 hours and 38 minutes ago). I know there was more that I wanted to post about today, but I just can't think of it right now. We will get to meal plan for the rest of the week tomorrow, so I may post a preliminary menu tomorrow night. Until then, ciao!

Day 4: 1 down, 139 left to go

At least, until I should be at my goal weight. Technically, 4 down, 726 to go, but who's counting?

Day 4: Plan--2 proteins, 4 veggies, 2 fruits, 2 starches, 2 "snacks" (S4L protein-filled supplements), 1 fat, 4 oz. skim milk

Breakfast: supplements (1 vitamin, 2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer, 1 neuroslim, as well as my normal glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin C, and calcium chews) apple and 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Snack: S4L (cold) hot chocolate
Lunch: supplements (2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer) salted raw broccoli with fat free ranch, boiled seasoned chicken leftovers
Snack: S4L chocolate peanut butter bar, half an orange
Dinner: supplements (9 fish oil, 2 water-shedding pills, 1 metabolizer) salted steamed broccoli, 3/4 cup brown rice, boiled seasoned chicken leftovers, leftover turkey, milk, 1 tbs. light Miracle Whip (I don't do mayo)
Water: 140 oz

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be. Tonight's post is very typical of today. It is 11:40 on Friday night, and I almost forgot to post. I forgot where my keys were earlier today, and called my husband, almost in tears of frustration, to come home and pick me up so that I could go to my party tonight. I was in the middle of writing emails at work today and paused in mid-sentence, forgetting what I was going to write. Almost forgot to eat ANY starch today (hence, the large portion at "dinner"--if it's the last thing you eat at night, isn't it dinner? Even if it's 9:00?). Typing a password I use several times daily, I got home from work and spent several minutes typing in the password minus 1 character. Repeatedly. Forgot to eat a fat at dinner, so I ended up having a full tablespoon of light MW at 10:00. Trying to stomach eating it straight, I finally decided to dip some broccoli in it. Not too bad.

I don't like pills. I have a sinus infection right now that would be pretty much cured if I would just go to the doctor and get a prescription for amoxicillin and take some Mucinex. I don't like pills, though. So I would rather not go, wait until I can't stand it anymore, and get it all over with. I'm afraid if I go now, before it's the worst it can get, I'll just have to go back later this fall and get another prescription. I have arthritis in my ankle. Sometimes it hurts immensely.I refuse to take pain pills every day, because I know when I'm 60, I'll be taking something 10 times as strong and it won't do the job. So I take the ibuprofen when I absolutely can't stand it. So you can imagine how I felt loading up on all the supplements this morning. Dividing them up (out of my fancy ziploc sandwich baggie) made me feel, first of all, like an apothecary, and secondly, like an old person. I've never seen someone my age take so many pills. Twenty-eight in all. And trying to figure out which one is which, which goes with which meal, which to take with which drink, I had to have my booklet in front of me and I'm still not positive I got it right. And I'm not even at full dosage yet! They are working me up slowly from none to 6. I feel like I'm going to have to get one of those humongous pill sorters, with the day, morning, noon, and night just so I can stay on track.

I hate to be such a downer. That's not like me. This is just much harder than I imagined. After taking all my morning pills (I downed them with the fiber/energy drink, as it has a limey flavor that I'm growing to like), I was freezing (turned on the heat in the office and that gradually got better), but my hands were still shaky. In fact, I felt jittery all over. I found myself shaking my leg without even realizing it (a habit in others I sometimes find annoying), twisting in my chair, popping my knuckles, tossing my hair (it's been a good hair day--trust me!), chewing on my fingers (not normal anymore), and having a VERY short attention span. I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. Hence the first paragraph. Any time someone would call, come in, or email, I had the hardest time focusing on what they were communicating. I'm sure I came across as ditzy to more than one person because I just couldn't concentrate. I transposed numbers while on the phone. Not just once. Not just twice. Three times today. I got a slight headache around lunchtime, which made me realize I hadn't had my Morton lite salt today. I need to get a shaker to leave in my purse. Another thing to carry around.

I told these things to the manager at the center this afternoon and she immediately knew I'd taken all my pills with my energy drink. Did anyone tell me not to do that? Not anywhere I recall.

Pills are nasty. I want to take them with something that will hide the flavor. Pills must be taken with food. Boost needs to be taken about 3 hours either side of that. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out when to drink it then, because I know the drink will keep me up (now it's after midnight and I'm not at all sleepy), but I can't take it too close to the pills, which must be taken with breakfast, which needs to be early so that I can have a mid-morning snack, after which I shortly eat lunch (and take more pills) and after that point I feel it's too close to bedtime to drink it. I can not figure out when I need to do these things.

All in all, it's been a very confusing, slightly frustrating, interesting day. Everyone has told me the first 2 weeks are the hardest. I've got 1 day down. God, help me get through the rest.

Day 3: Let the games begin

Well, not really "games," but you know the saying...

Day 3: Prep (last day! Yay!)--2-3 lb. meat [no pork, dairy, starch, fruit (except what's listed), condiments], unlimited uncooked green leafy veggies, fat free dressing only

Breakfast: 2 eggs and warm lemon water
Snack: half an orange and 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: romaine and mixed greens salad with celery and taco seasoned ground beef with fat free ranch
Snack: half an orange
Dinner: romaine and mixed greens salad with celery and taco seasoned ground beef with fat free ranch, boiled seasoned chicken leftovers
Water: 120 oz

What. A. Day. I ended up eating the last of my meat at 9:00, which I know is not the best for anyone, let alone someone who's trying to lose weight, but after a 2 hour class at S4L and a rambunctious past customer on the phone, I had to take what I could get. I wasn't hungry anyway. That's part of the reason it took so long to eat (that, and meat takes forever to chew!).

As I said on Tuesday, Satan will do anything to derail you from your goals. Today was another of those, "is this really worth it?" days. I started the morning off with forgetting to feed the cat (poor kitty was on "E"--luckily, my amazing hubby covered me), then dashing from one job to the next this morning I was literally run off the road by a white car driving the WRONG DIRECTION in my lane! Luckily, that passed without injury and I probably got enough cardio in the ten minutes following to count as 30 minutes of walking. When I finally got to go to my nutrition class and learn what I'm going to be expected to eat for the next 6 months, I was disappointed to learn that this program is much more strict than when I tried LA Weightloss, which is kind of the plan I was expecting. More on that later. Mix these things in with the financial aspect of supplements and pills for the next 6 months, and I was thinking, "what have I gotten myself in to?" The devil tried to sweep right in there and completely knock me out before I got started. I must watch out for these kinds of things in the future.

The class was interesting. As I mentioned before, I have done the LA Weightloss (LAW) program, and had pretty decent success. I was pleased with the weight I lost, the food was easy to figure out, I had a great list of what I could eat out (included fast food, which, with my schedule, was VERY helpful), I was still able to eat even a little of the foods I love (like cheese, cereal, pasta, jello, fruit popsicles, ice cream, milk, bananas, peanut butter, even lean frozen meals), and the people were fine to talk to. The reason I never finished the program was because once I messed up and had a few bad days, they turned in to weeks, and months, and here I am 100 pounds more than when I started. I felt ashamed to go in and tell them how horribly I'd fallen off. So I didn't go. There was $700 down the drain.

Back to today: I was expecting things to go pretty much the same as they had with LAW. For the most part, the whole program so far is very similar, even down to the foods I was asked to eat on the prep diet. I knew there were bars involved that would be almost identical to the ones LAW forced you to buy, and the snacks, and the cookbook all looked very familiar to me. So I expected the same thing from the weight loss meal plan. Boy, was I wrong.

First of all, all the foods listed above are OFF limits. With LAW, I was at least allowed a slice and a half of cheese to put on a sandwich so it wasn't just meat and bread (which makes me cringe). I could have things like Wheat Thins and whole wheat pasta. Nothing like that here. All the starches she listed (and don't get me wrong, she was a perfectly nice lady and seemed to really care and know her stuff) were things I've hardly heard of, like weird akmak crackers and kavli bread. Do they even sell those at Hy-Vee? I'm pretty certain our grocery bill will go up based on all the weird things we're going to have to start buying. I was so depressed and frustrated looking at the very short list of "green" foods that I started thinking about the waste of $650 that we'd already invested in the program. Nothing from a can except tuna, which will make a happy kitty, but mommy is not so keen.

Secondly, I noticed that each of the main meals in the "sample menu" was something that needed to be heated or took a significant amount of time, something that is not always a luxury I can afford. Many times, I am eating a meal in the car going from 1 of my 4 jobs to another, or two, or 3 (there were days this fall when I worked at camp, taught music, refereed, and had a party that night), and I wouldn't even have time to heat things up, let alone use a fork. So I would stop for a cheeseburger or chicken sandwich. That's part of the reason I gained so much weight the last few months as well, I know, but you can't always stop and eat a proper meal and be able to make ends meet. And now I can't even eat a sandwich with cheese?

Then, there was the discussion about whether we wanted to splurge and get the whole package of "guaranteed" products (which guarantee 3-5 pounds a week of weight loss--there were about 8 other things available on top of that), try them out and buy a few at a time and always be on the lookout for sales, or just do without. I have been in the mindset of Go Big (or little!) or Go Home, and I thought my husband knew how I felt, but when the nice lady looked at us after explaining all the benefits of each items, he gave her the indication that we were going to wait for a while and see how things go.

Not that this is necessarily a bad way to look at things, but I was disappointed that we hadn't had a chance to solidify our decision before we got there. I, embarrassed and a little frustrated, looked at him and started discussing what we had talked about earlier this week, and the fact that we had the money to do the package now. So the nice lady excused herself while we got to have the conversation again, only this time I unleashed my frustration in the program not being exactly like I thought, and that, since I was the one coming in regularly, I would have to be the one watching for sales on the products, and keeping track of what we had or needed, which would cause a lot more work and a lot more stress on my already busy, muddled day. After explaining all this, he graciously agreed that we could afford it [although we would have to put a large credit card payment (another of our huge goals) on hold for a little while], and we ended up doing the guaranteed products, with the understanding that some of the additional products may need to be on hand occasionally. I know $1600 is a lot of money, especially when we've already spent almost $700, but we did get a 30% discount on the products and they will last me until I am out of the weigh loss stage. No stress, except trying to decide daily what kind of chocolatey snack I want to eat that day :-)

All that to say, I am physically equipped to do this. I am mentally still working on it. Emotionally, I am not looking forward to being deprived of my favorite food for 6 months. After several tears today, I've realized it'll be okay. It's going to be hard, especially when we go to family gatherings and my grandma's awesome (and fattening) cheese dip is there on the table, mocking me. There will be times where I will fall off. I have to tell myself that I can go back. It's those moments when I need to go back and face the questions and show them my food journal (I wonder if they'll take my blogs?) and get their advice. Having the support of a wonderful, loving husband makes a huge difference. That was the reason I started LAW, because of a guy, which made it easy, when we stopped seeing each other, to stop caring. This time it's for me. Because I'm worth it. Because it's time to stop hiding behind my weight and being afraid of what others think. There is a saying I've found on Pinterest that makes me smile: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Not that I want to be "skinny." I want to be healthy, to be able to feel good about the way I look and take pride in my appearance. I want to have healthy children that are confident and haven't had to deal with people calling them fat or being told they aren't good enough the way they are. I want them to enjoy life and being with people, and not have to worry that they are being judged by their appearance.

There is another saying I'm fond of: I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13) There is absolutely no way I can do this without Him. And He loves me no matter what I look like, because He made me.

Day 2: Salt does not lose its saltiness

Day 2: Prep--2-3 lb. meat [no pork, dairy, starch, fruit (except what's listed), condiments], unlimited uncooked green leafy veggies, fat free dressing only

Breakfast: 2 eggs and warm lemon water
Snack: half an orange and 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: romaine and mixed greens salad with celery and taco seasoned ground beef with fat free ranch
Snack: half an orange
Dinner: boiled chicken with mixed greens salad and fat free ranch
Snack: taco meat with fat free ranch
Snack: marinated turkey leftovers
Water: 180 oz

I drank a TON of water today, partly because of the sinus infection (it's getting steadily worse--my voice keeps giving out) and partly because of the 1/4 tsp of Morton's lite salt on my salad at lunch. I literally gagged trying to eat it. What is the difference between lite salt and regular salt, and why does every single weight loss program push it?

On another note, I had my first visit to S4L today. It was surprisingly short and not so much of the in-depth counseling I was hoping for. Maybe it's because I don't really have any choices about my meals right now. I hope it gets better. A huge part of the appeal of S4L is the "one-on-one counseling" and encouragement.

I waited far too long to write tonight. I'm beat. Hopefully a more insightful post will come tomorrow.

Day 1: Spiritual Warfare is Real

Day 1: Prep--2-3 lb. meat [no pork, dairy, starch, fruit (except what's listed), condiments], unlimited uncooked green leafy veggies, fat free dressing only

Breakfast: 2 eggs and warm lemon water
Snack: half an orange and 20 oz Slim4Life fiber and energy packets in water
Lunch: romaine salad with celery and cooked marinated turkey leftovers and S4L honey dijon
Snack: half an orange
Dinner: same as lunch
Snack: taco meat with fat free ranch (yum...)
Snack: marinated turkey leftovers
Water: 120 oz

Suffice it to say that day 1 is going well as far as the food and healthy eating, but emotionally I feel like I've been beaten like a pinata. If it could go wrong, it has, in preparation for this week.

Not to pull a complaint session (I hate complainers!), but I just want to highlight that if you are doing something that is going to change your life for the better, Satan (and I believe that Satan is a real entity) will pull everything he can to put a stop to it.

For instance:

• My lia sophia business is booming, and I've got so many bookings on my calendar right now. God has truly blessed me. This weekend, I had 3 different parties cancel or postpone that seemed like right-on hostesses, that were all going to be this week. I have been a little pre-occupied with my schedule and trying to fit everything in, and let these bumps take my mind off of my business. 

• My computer rendered itself unusable last week. Luckily, the day before I had the forethought (what I like to think of as God's whispering) to back up all my files on an external hard drive before I lost them all completely.

•  My car that I've driven for the last 7 years and was always referred to as the one that "didn't look pretty, but will run to 300k miles" was taken in and found to be fatally ill, leaving my hubby and me with 1 car and 5 jobs (I do a lot of part-time work plus his 1) to run to.

• After line judging at district volleyball last evening, my ankle flared up for the first time in weeks, causing me to limp painfully all day today (and all night tonight at my last matches of the season). 

• To top everything off, I am in the middle of a miserable sinus infection which has not reached the point where I am hacking, but just obnoxious enough that I cough when I try to talk, my voice is so strained I can barely be heard, and struggle to breathe clearly through my nose. I'm not bad enough to go to the doctor yet, but it's inevitable. 

I definitely felt the weight of being under attack this morning, although I couldn't pinpoint exactly how or why I felt this. I was frustrated with my husband because I couldn't communicate to him exactly what I was feeling, yet it wasn't his fault. We had a chance to talk about it later today, though, and I told him pretty much what I thought was going on.

I proceeded to spend the rest of the day in a funk, instead of giving these things over to God, letting Satan get the best of me. My attitude is that I can do this on my own, by myself, without anyone's help. I can see how this entire process is going to be bigger than losing a few inches of tub around my middle.

The point of all this is to say that God blesses those who love Him, and He works for their good. For me, losing this extra baggage and living a healthier lifestyle is going to potentially change my life. I will have more energy, presumably live longer, have more self-confidence, and will hopefully find myself more equipped to physically start a family, whether we are mentally and emotionally ready for that. Satan is doing everything in his power to pull the plug right at the start, to make everything that I've set my mind and will to do for naught and cause me to give up before I experience success. It's not my will that he is wearing down, it's my morale. I can physically do the steps needed to succeed at this program and new lifestyle, but if my heart is not in it, what's the point?

That is where I am this evening. I know that God is bigger than any problem I will face, and Satan is under God's control. Now it is time to put all this behind me and start living it out. But for now, I will sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.

T-minus 1 day

After reaching my highest weight ever, I have decided to take a step down (in weight, that is). I signed up for Slim4Life over the weekend and tomorrow I start on the "prep" diet. I figured it would be beneficial for me to document my feelings, weight loss, exercise (when I have time), emotions, and pics for a weight loss journal, but my hope is, if you are reading this, that perhaps you may be inspired too.

Not only am I at my all-time highest weight, I am finally having physical symptoms that are telling me I'm not as "healthy" as I used to be. The biggest indicator is that walking up the stairs to our 3rd floor apartment, up a small hill at work while on a tour, or even just carrying in a bag or two for my business, I am constantly gasping for breath and not able to talk when I arrive. It is to the point where it is embarrassing to let customers and hostesses, and my wonderful and supportive hubby see. I've always been overweight, but never had cholesterol, blood pressure, or breathing problems. My blood pressure and heart rate have ALWAYS been on the low side (thanks to many visits to the plasma donation center, I have a rough average for all of these), but recently, my blood pressure was almost twice its normal numbers. I've also been having issues with my hands and feet swelling, so badly that I even had to take off my wedding and engagement rings tonight, that I rarely take off.

I'm afraid that I might even be in a pre-diabetic state, which is something that scares me to death. I lose feeling in my feet and hands at times (which could also be caused by my arthritis), lots of bite marks (thanks to my awesome kitty) that seem to take forever to heal, sometimes constant need to urinate, and constantly being thirsty. I refuse to let my weight be so out of control that I must give myself insulin shots or check my blood sugar, so this is where I draw the line. Tomorrow starts a new me.

These are my first photos for Week 0. I will continue to post regularly about my weight, my diet (more like a food journal, not a "diet"), my emotions, and my triumphs and failures. I hope you will enjoy my journey, and be inspired, whether it is a physical goal, mental, financial, or anything else.

Day: -1 Weight: 279 Size: 20 Pounds to Goal: 64